Dancin' Like Nobody's Watching

[Nomopo]

Hi GD! You sound great!!! You are thinking so CLEARLY! Good for you my friend.

I'm just working on me and being happy with me. The one thing that I'm confused on is how I can walk that tight rope of just being friendly and not showing any pursuit, while simultaneously avoiding anything that might make her angry with me.

Few thoughts - To not show any pursuit, don't pursue. Simple, huh? In other words, worry less about her, whether it looks like pursuit, and whether what you do will make her angry. Truly follow your words in the first sentence - work on (or focus on) you.

Like all of us, I just wish I knew EXACTLY what I can do that will draw her toward me and my picnic.

Don't try to draw her in. Just work on you and your picnic for you. She may or may not be drawn to it. If she is (and I bet she will be), great. If not, it's ok. You couldn't control that. Just make it the best damn picnic. This is best for you!!! And it gives you the best shot of drawing her back, but that is just an ancillary benefit.

However, since I don't, I will just have to try and walk that tight rope and hope that I'm not making any mistakes.

Don't live out of fear. Don't ping off her so much. Focus on GD, for GD, for GD's kids. It's really as simple (but oh so hard) as Michele says - stop the chase and focus on you (eg, GAL).

I never want her to interpret my kindness or politeness as pursuing, but yet I don't want to come across as negative in any way.

You cannot control how she interprets what you do or how you "come off" to her. So quit planning your actions based on how she will perceive them. Take action cause it's what you want to do or what is best for you! If she interprets them the right way, that's the best result. If she doesn't that's not your fault, and not something you can control. Again, stop planning your moves based on her. Do it for you!!!!!!

It's hard for me to figure out where the middle ground for this is so I can avoid either pitfall.

But's it's easier for you to stop worrying about pitfalls and to figure out what you want for you and what is best for you. Right?

Repeat after me - "Focus on me!!!"

I'm wanting to avoid dating until the D is final, just because I think it shows respect to her (despite her dating the BF).

Again what's best for you? Avoiding dating or dating? It could be either one, but answer based on what you want or what you think is right for you - not her.

However, I almost feel like she would feel some relief if I dated just because it would put us on a more even keel. That way, if she decided she wanted to come back, she would feel like I would have less to hold over her head simply because I too involved myself in a new R before the D was final. It would make her feel less guilty. I won't date just because of this possibility, but the idea has me curious nonetheless.

Interesting. But also irrelevant.

Thoughts on this?

I've been dating. It's been awesome!! Apparently there are a number of women out there he think I am fun, funny, handsome, sexy (can you believe it???), etc. All things that my W used to see. All things that I believe/guess are still there even if my W refuses to see them. I'd say this dating has been healthy. My biggest fear - if W decides she wants to take another shot at us, and if I decide I want to as well, I think there is a good chance I will be hurting someone else, and that does make me feel bad. But I have been completely honest with all other women about my sitch.

Anyone, those are my thoughts. I thin about you often GD, and I follow you on my BB all the time, even if I am not posting much these days. Take care. I hope this helps.

Nomo

Currently my R with W is where it has been for about the last 4 months. I only talk to her on Sunday when she picks up the kids. A few weeks ago she did call me on Monday crying because she had fallen asleep after work and wasn't going to make it to daycare to pick up the kids in time. I validated, calmed her down as best I could, and told her that I could pick them up and meet her back at my house and she could meet me there. I did that and she was appreciative. The next day she called me about a few things regarding our S's homework and a few other things regarding the kids, and then lingered a bit, thinking that there was something else she had to say. I just told her that if she remembered what it was she could just call me back, and thereby intiating an end to the convo myself in a polite fashion. This call was strange because she usually doesn't call about these things, and she even laughed and joked about a library book our S has checked out.

Other than that, though, communication has been short and sweet. When she's come by to pick up the kids over the last month, I've either had them right at the door and ready to go, or had them outside playing and therefore immediately ready to go. I've been pleasant, but short and sweet, and have discontinued asking her about her health, if she needed anything, etc. Just keeping things completely business-like. I've even taken the initiative to ask her to begin working with the custody schedule that was decided in mediation, which will mean that we will not see each other AT ALL -- no more Sunday pick ups, we will be exchanging kids at daycare. I think this is good because it could really cause her to wonder about me, and as a result possibly cause her to begin to miss me (esp with her being around the not-so-great BF all of the time). Even if it doesn't though, I think it will be good for me because I won't have to see her and get all of these feelings refreshed week to week. I guess we'll just have to see where things are at come close to Xmas and our D date.

Thanks to all who plowed through the above -- needed to get that out (it's been a while since I've posted any thoughts on my sitch)!

GD [/quote]