I've decided to post where my current sitch is involving my R with W and her R with her BF. Any feedback is much appreciated.
My W began dating her BF in March -- 4 months after our separation and 2 months after I filed for D. During this time I have not questioned her about this R or criticized her for it. She moved in with him about 2 1/2 months ago, and he is now becoming a piece of doggie do do to her (according to mutual friends), and she complains about him frequently. He made her feel "really special" and like "everything was about her" for the first 3-4 months. Then, when she moved in with him, the fantasy/honeymoon period was over and reality set in. Apparently they bicker and fight quite a bit. She found out that he is lazy, insecure (and as a result a bit controlling), and also somewhat disrespectful. Apparently he comes home from work and either goes and takes a nap or watches Sportscenter all evening. All he does on the weekend is watch football (which I LOVE too, but it is more important to him than my W is). W has to do all of the cleaning up (for my kids AND his), as well as all of the cooking. She complained to our friends that he "never touches her anymore." He always wants to go out with her on "girl's night out." He won't let her go out to the bars wearing pink because "she looks too good in it," (translating into "I'm insecure and don't trust you being around horny guys at the bar"). He also has an "ex wife" keepsake box that contains naked pics of his exes that he won't get rid of -- charming, eh? Combine all of this with the fact that he's 38 and she's 26, he's out of shape and I'm in pretty good shape, I've got a degree and much better earning potential, he's mostly bald and I'm not bald at all (no offense to anyone who is), he is apparently pretty socially inept, and he pays full child support to both exes for 2 kids (which leaves him pretty strapped financially).
I can't say for sure, but I'm betting that she has compared the two of us on more than one occasion, and likely has done so recently given their new relationship dynamics. I'm sure the emotional and physical changes I've clearly made (and that she has finally acknowledged) are helping her to look at me in a more positive light. I'm sure my pull back on the money offer has caused some anger/resentment toward me on her part, but I think that will get better with time. Anyway, I'm sure she's looking at how she made a mistake with getting so deep into this new relationship, and that I might not be so bad after all given the new me (she may finally be reflecting on what she had and how it could be even better now given my changes). However, she's stuck between a rock and a hard place: She can't afford to get out of this R and back on her own (she's got too much pride to ask me for help, I think, and I'm sure she's afraid that doing so would cause me to feel empowered and be like "I knew it wouldn't work!" and that I would possibly gloat about it). And she's got too much pride to come back to me even if she wanted to (at least at this point). She would feel embarrassed and shameful, and like a loser to all of her friends, family, and me. I think come holiday season, she's going to hit rock bottom. This is just a hunch, but if her BF doesn't make any changes in himself, I think W is going to get emotional around Xmas time (given all of our history and memories, and the fact that our divorce is set for Dec 7th), and that she might actually want to talk to me about giving us another go.
It's a long shot, but possible. No expectations, just speculating. If it doesn't happen, it's okay -- I'm just working on me and being happy with me. The one thing that I'm confused on is how I can walk that tight rope of just being friendly and not showing any pursuit, while simultaneously avoiding anything that might make her angry with me. Like all of us, I just wish I knew EXACTLY what I can do that will draw her toward me and my picnic. However, since I don't, I will just have to try and walk that tight rope and hope that I'm not making any mistakes. I never want her to interpret my kindness or politeness as pursuing, but yet I don't want to come across as negative in any way. It's hard for me to figure out where the middle ground for this is so I can avoid either pitfall.
Anyway, that is where I currently stand. I'm wanting to avoid dating until the D is final, just because I think it shows respect to her (despite her dating the BF). However, I almost feel like she would feel some relief if I dated just because it would put us on a more even keel. That way, if she decided she wanted to come back, she would feel like I would have less to hold over her head simply because I too involved myself in a new R before the D was final. It would make her feel less guilty. I won't date just because of this possibility, but the idea has me curious nonetheless. Thoughts on this?
Currently my R with W is where it has been for about the last 4 months. I only talk to her on Sunday when she picks up the kids. A few weeks ago she did call me on Monday crying because she had fallen asleep after work and wasn't going to make it to daycare to pick up the kids in time. I validated, calmed her down as best I could, and told her that I could pick them up and meet her back at my house and she could meet me there. I did that and she was appreciative. The next day she called me about a few things regarding our S's homework and a few other things regarding the kids, and then lingered a bit, thinking that there was something else she had to say. I just told her that if she remembered what it was she could just call me back, and thereby intiating an end to the convo myself in a polite fashion. This call was strange because she usually doesn't call about these things, and she even laughed and joked about a library book our S has checked out.
Other than that, though, communication has been short and sweet. When she's come by to pick up the kids over the last month, I've either had them right at the door and ready to go, or had them outside playing and therefore immediately ready to go. I've been pleasant, but short and sweet, and have discontinued asking her about her health, if she needed anything, etc. Just keeping things completely business-like. I've even taken the initiative to ask her to begin working with the custody schedule that was decided in mediation, which will mean that we will not see each other AT ALL -- no more Sunday pick ups, we will be exchanging kids at daycare. I think this is good because it could really cause her to wonder about me, and as a result possibly cause her to begin to miss me (esp with her being around the not-so-great BF all of the time). Even if it doesn't though, I think it will be good for me because I won't have to see her and get all of these feelings refreshed week to week. I guess we'll just have to see where things are at come close to Xmas and our D date.
Thanks to all who plowed through the above -- needed to get that out (it's been a while since I've posted any thoughts on my sitch)!
