In no way will this be chronological. We were interrupted so many times...and I even tried to get up a couple times myself and start cleaning up the back yard but he just kept asking me to come back onto the back porch and sit with him.
Briefly we talked about D11. I was actually very uncomfortable with that because it is just such a raw subject and regarding that, I've been mad as hell at him. I listened before I spoke. He said it was killing him to see me and her like this...that he can only imagine what it is doing to me....I just looked at him and when he said nothing else I then calmly told him that his inability to set boundaries for her and hold her accountable for her actions (or inactions) has made it so that I am the bad guy and I am coming to resent him for it. I told him my fear of offending him has caused me to not take the appropriate actions concerning her, but that would no longer be the case. I also told him he needs to open his eyes and take a real good look at what has happened to his relationship with her. I told him one word: "co-dependant". I told him that he doesn't get to climb into a bottle when he is stressed and then take out his stress on her, thereby raising HER stress level. She is a child. You are the parent. This led to him telling me that Saturday morning he had gone to the place where he used to attend the court ordered AA meetings. No one was there. He said "Amy I thought I could always go back...but there was no one there". I said "Jeff, you're in trouble". That is when he said "I am an alcoholic, Amy". He has never, in 12 freakin years, said those words. NEVER.
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I had the diamond ring he gave me one Christmas (after that first separation when had come home but I was still MLC and going deeper) on my right hand. He leaned over and tapped it and said "why do you wear that?" I said "because it reminds me of when there was still hope". He told me that the night he gave it to me, I wore it to my Grandmother's house (christmas eve) but I did not wear it home. I had put it back in the box in my purse. I don't remember that. But I asked him "have you not realized yet that there is a LOT of things I don't remember about that time?". I tried to explain to him that I had "pockets of reality" when I understood what was happening and I felt horrible but then all the anger would rise up and the self-righteousness...and I'd be lost again. He asked me if I did not realize what I would lose. I said that I did not at the time, because I did not know what I had. He said "You had a man that loved you and was more concerned for you and your happiness than I was my own. Sexually, I lived to please you and I always thought what we had was special. Why did you leave me?" He asked me what om did for me that he could not and I said nothing. I told him that in the beginning of the affair, I was very much caught up in feelings of the "old" crush I'd had when I was 19. I told him that sexually om had been a huge disappointment to me BECAUSE Jeff had always taken such good care of me. I told him it just took me a few months to realize all that om lacked however then there were still all the other issues between me and Jeff...my resentment that had grown over the years, etc...
