In no way will this be chronological. We were interrupted so many times...and I even tried to get up a couple times myself and start cleaning up the back yard but he just kept asking me to come back onto the back porch and sit with him.
Briefly we talked about D11. I was actually very uncomfortable with that because it is just such a raw subject and regarding that, I've been mad as hell at him. I listened before I spoke. He said it was killing him to see me and her like this...that he can only imagine what it is doing to me....I just looked at him and when he said nothing else I then calmly told him that his inability to set boundaries for her and hold her accountable for her actions (or inactions) has made it so that I am the bad guy and I am coming to resent him for it. I told him my fear of offending him has caused me to not take the appropriate actions concerning her, but that would no longer be the case. I also told him he needs to open his eyes and take a real good look at what has happened to his relationship with her. I told him one word: "co-dependant". I told him that he doesn't get to climb into a bottle when he is stressed and then take out his stress on her, thereby raising HER stress level. She is a child. You are the parent. This led to him telling me that Saturday morning he had gone to the place where he used to attend the court ordered AA meetings. No one was there. He said "Amy I thought I could always go back...but there was no one there". I said "Jeff, you're in trouble". That is when he said "I am an alcoholic, Amy". He has never, in 12 freakin years, said those words. NEVER.
~~
I had the diamond ring he gave me one Christmas (after that first separation when had come home but I was still MLC and going deeper) on my right hand. He leaned over and tapped it and said "why do you wear that?" I said "because it reminds me of when there was still hope". He told me that the night he gave it to me, I wore it to my Grandmother's house (christmas eve) but I did not wear it home. I had put it back in the box in my purse. I don't remember that. But I asked him "have you not realized yet that there is a LOT of things I don't remember about that time?". I tried to explain to him that I had "pockets of reality" when I understood what was happening and I felt horrible but then all the anger would rise up and the self-righteousness...and I'd be lost again. He asked me if I did not realize what I would lose. I said that I did not at the time, because I did not know what I had. He said "You had a man that loved you and was more concerned for you and your happiness than I was my own. Sexually, I lived to please you and I always thought what we had was special. Why did you leave me?" He asked me what om did for me that he could not and I said nothing. I told him that in the beginning of the affair, I was very much caught up in feelings of the "old" crush I'd had when I was 19. I told him that sexually om had been a huge disappointment to me BECAUSE Jeff had always taken such good care of me. I told him it just took me a few months to realize all that om lacked however then there were still all the other issues between me and Jeff...my resentment that had grown over the years, etc...
I asked what he had meant the night he said that if the numbers came back right for the refinance that we "would all benefit" and I felt like a fool when he answered me. I felt like a fool for thinking he wanted us to come home. That it was for the addition.
He intended to pay off my car. Instead of throwing up, which is what I felt like doing, I thanked him for thinking of doing that, had he cashed out. He said "wouldn't it feel good to no longer have to make that payment?" Yes. But I was sick inside and I KNEW it was ALL pride. He knew something was wrong and he asked what several times. I truly couldn't form the words to say it because it took me a few minutes to be able to speak without crying. Finally I said it "S14 and I both thought you meant you'd build the addition so we can come home". There. It was out there. He didn't say anything, the kids ran through...I got up and started to throw things away again. He had me come back onto the porch and sit with him some more. I had really had enough. But I also have waited a long time to talk, so I sat back down. He got very close to me. He kissed me several times. One time he was leaning over hugging me and I grabbed him by the back of his head and just planted one on him like I know I haven't done in years. We had a pretty good make-out session and had the kids not been nearby, we'd have hit it out of the park if you know what I'm saying .
Once we started talking again he said that he didn't know what he wants. He said if he would go through again what he went through before, he likes his life now just fine. He said he doesn't want to date, hasn't touched a woman since we separated, doesn't care to. He went back into the connection we'd always had before the MLC, he said he misses me still.
I know there are more things. I guess I will pop back in and write them as I remember them. Sunday morning when I called over there, I was fully prepared for him to be shut back down. He was very warm on the phone though, as well as when I went over there later.
So we will just sit with this a while, I guess, 'cause I sure as hell don't know what to do from here.
You're making progress. You might not be able to admit that, but it's true.
You know the old DB philosophy of trying new things, and observing the outcome. Quit doing the things that generate a negative response and do more of the things that generate a positive response.
With that in mind: You took this action:
Quote:
Finally I said it "S14 and I both thought you meant you'd build the addition so we can come home".
AND THAT ACTION GENERATED THIS RESPONSE:
Quote:
He got very close to me. He kissed me several times. One time he was leaning over hugging me and I grabbed him by the back of his head and just planted one on him like I know I haven't done in years. We had a pretty good make-out session and had the kids not been nearby, we'd have hit it out of the park if you know what I'm saying.
Well dang, what da ya know.
Lets think about this a little. You left him, dumped him cold. The reason is not important, for him, there was no reason that could have been THAT important. Anyway, he got trashed, big time. You were gone, gone for good, and not very nice about it at that. So maybe he had a little talk with the Lord above and prayed for the strength to move on without you, and to protect himself from ever being trashed like that again. Maybe he promised myself to NEVER allow myself to be put in that position again. And so it goes......
Then all of a sudden YOU wake up. You realize what you've done, and you come back around. You say you're sorry, that you won't do it again, and then you want your key back. Simple as that. Problem is, he still remembers the pain, and the promise that he made himself to NEVER allow himself to be trashed again. So screw the world, he doesn't need a woman, he doesn't need anyone. Just him, his God, his dog, and his beer. That's just about okay for most men by the way.
But there's no man that can resist the love of a woman. For a man to know that you want him, you need him, you'd do anything for him is huge. There's no bigger slap in the face than to have another, and there's no bigger embrace than to show how you need him and want him.
He needs to hear your words AmyC. He won't let you back in, unless he is sure, absolutely sure, of your undying, complete, and lifetime commitment to HIM. He needs to be wanted, needed, and desired, but he also needs to see you humble, and vulnerable. Just like the other night.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
So screw the world, he doesn't need a woman, he doesn't need anyone. Just him, his God, his dog, and his beer. That's just about okay for most men by the way.
AMEN
Quote:
But there's no man that can resist the love of a woman. For a man to know that you want him, you need him, you'd do anything for him is huge. There's no bigger slap in the face than to have another, and there's no bigger embrace than to show how you need him and want him.
AMEN
Quote:
He needs to hear your words AmyC. He won't let you back in, unless he is sure, absolutely sure, of your undying, complete, and lifetime commitment to HIM. He needs to be wanted, needed, and desired, but he also needs to see you humble, and vulnerable. Just like the other night.
and once again AMEN
COG hits it outa the park!!!
Best Wishes Amy!
cire
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
Girl.....if life was easy, we wouldn't be having nearly as much fun now would we? Shhhh....don't asnwer
There really isn't much I can add after what COG said. WOW!
Yes....sometimes you just gotta come out and say it before it erupts in the wrong way or the wrong time.
LOL The worst part about those kind of long soul searching conversations is remember it exactly how it went down! Ugh...next time, wear a recording device! You know your mind will recall so many things, some of which may not have been what you thot and then your going...OMG! Did I say that....did he? Is this how it was said???? Then.....there ya go, spinning awayyyyyyy .
As far as hitting it out of the park. I have but one thing to say to that. Did I not tell you to duct tape his asz up?? heck....send the kids inside tie is asz to a tree...and show him.....nevermind. Uhm....so how did you sleep that night
I'm just so dern happy......this is such a huge positive giant step for mankind You sweetie.....just need to be still a bit longer me thinkest.
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
You're making progress. You might not be able to admit that, but it's true.
You know the old DB philosophy of trying new things, and observing the outcome. Quit doing the things that generate a negative response and do more of the things that generate a positive response.
With that in mind: You took this action:
Quote:
Finally I said it "S14 and I both thought you meant you'd build the addition so we can come home".
AND THAT ACTION GENERATED THIS RESPONSE:
Quote:
He got very close to me. He kissed me several times. One time he was leaning over hugging me and I grabbed him by the back of his head and just planted one on him like I know I haven't done in years. We had a pretty good make-out session and had the kids not been nearby, we'd have hit it out of the park if you know what I'm saying.
Well dang, what da ya know.
Lets think about this a little. You left him, dumped him cold. The reason is not important, for him, there was no reason that could have been THAT important. Anyway, he got trashed, big time. You were gone, gone for good, and not very nice about it at that. So maybe he had a little talk with the Lord above and prayed for the strength to move on without you, and to protect himself from ever being trashed like that again. Maybe he promised myself to NEVER allow myself to be put in that position again. And so it goes......
Then all of a sudden YOU wake up. You realize what you've done, and you come back around. You say you're sorry, that you won't do it again, and then you want your key back. Simple as that. Problem is, he still remembers the pain, and the promise that he made himself to NEVER allow himself to be trashed again. So screw the world, he doesn't need a woman, he doesn't need anyone. Just him, his God, his dog, and his beer. That's just about okay for most men by the way.
But there's no man that can resist the love of a woman. For a man to know that you want him, you need him, you'd do anything for him is huge. There's no bigger slap in the face than to have another, and there's no bigger embrace than to show how you need him and want him.
He needs to hear your words AmyC. He won't let you back in, unless he is sure, absolutely sure, of your undying, complete, and lifetime commitment to HIM. He needs to be wanted, needed, and desired, but he also needs to see you humble, and vulnerable. Just like the other night.
God Bless,
COG
When I read your post last night, COG, I knew I just wasn't receiving it well so I didn't reply. I feel very vulnerable right now after Jeff tapping into so much that I keep locked down - especially the church/faith stuff and the thing about the addition. Thank you, COG.
No need to worry about me being still though guys. I can't move at all.
I do see all the positives from the other night.
I just don't know that I can keep this up endlessly.
After all, look how long it took to get here...
I just don't have the strength I had in the beginning of my stand.
. 
and then your going...OMG! Did I say that....did he? Is this how it was said???? Then.....there ya go, spinning awayyyyyyy .
You sweetie.....just need to be still a bit longer me thinkest.