Trying to get WAW back

[Psch1968]

Dave - my view, stop trying to read into her mind, and stop analysing verything she is saying. Remember - believe nothing. Just keep DBing and give it time.

[BryanS]

I think you hit it exactly on the head, you stirred up some feelings she either didn't realize she had or thought she had sufficiently burried. I don't know what to do about this, I'm going through the same thing right now. I can tell you that in my case it's actually swung pretty far to the negative in terms of her desire for D. Now she's using the D as a punchline which I find pretty insulting. Hopefully it doesn't go that far for you but I think this little backlash you're seeing is normal and something you can ride through.

[DaveJ]

Well, not much to report.... Only thing I noticed is that a little while ago, when we talk on the phone, she quickly move to the end of conversation and wants to hang up. Lately things seems to be a bit different. Phone conversations sometimes last up to an hour. At times even when we run out of things to say she doesn't move to say goodbye. Sometimes she'll get to saying goodbye and then I say something else and then the conversation continues.... Anybody know what that means? Just wondering....

[Nugget]

I would say that she feels comfortable talking to you. Most women in general like to talk and for her to carry on a long conversation with you means she is comfortable just talking to you. My wife can talk for hours on the phone with her GF's, but in general her phone conversations with me are short and to the point. I have on occasions had some very long conversations with her (much to do about nothing), but, only when I made her feel comfortable to do so.

[DaveJ]

Well, W asked me to come over this morning. This is unplanned since I'm suppose to show up after the kids' nap in the afternoon. So that was nice. Went to the mall with the W and the kids for lunch and then got the W a bday present. Her bday is the coming Wednesday. Well, after the kids went down for their nap, completely unexpectedly the W initiated sex. Afterwards she said please don't read anything into it. But at the same time she said there was passion and emotion and it wasn't just sex. She also said that afterward she had anxiety due to: 1. I might read into it too much. 2. Good memories flooding back and she's really afraid of opening back up and being hurt again... Hopefully time will change the second.... I just told her I'm not reading anything into it. It is what it is.

Oh the other hand, it seems like a definitely no on November Retrouvaille. *sigh* I had hopes. She thinks that it will take a LONG time before she can fight through her own issues. Here's hoping and praying that she doesn't take that long. Oh well, I'll keep DBing and hope for the best and pray for her.

[Sara]

So does seem to make steady progress. If only she would say yes to November Retrouvaille. Well, I glad you had nice sex. That puts you ahead of a lot of people on these boards. That is a really important breakthrough. I hope she does have a happy birthday. Will she let you take her out on her birthday?

[DaveJ]

Sara,
unfortunately that's a no on taking her out. She wants to work out her personal issues and it sounds like it will take a while. Unfortunately most people don't have to deal with that aspect of things in their spouse. Usually I think it just comes down to what's between the two people. However for me I have to wait out her personal issues first (which I contributed heavily in getting her to that state), and they are some very major issues. Her IC isn't experienced in dealing with that. I'm hoping she will want to go talk to a specialist sometimes. Of course I can't really do anything to help her except just being there if she needs me since I'm the one really got her to where she is now. The problems were there before we got together but I made them significantly worse.... I can only be patient and pray for her I guess...

I don't expect any sex any time soon after this. Basically for her she "slipped". She has been very adamant about keeping any intimacy with me away because she doesn't want that to influence her thinking process supposedly while working through all these issues. But ultimately it was good for us connecting. I take what I can get I suppose.... I get frustrated because there is so much love, caring, and passion between us. But in the end it seems her resentment is overriding everything. According to her I shattered her heart with what I did and affected her to the core. I'm really hoping and praying that at the end she is strong and forgiving.

[Dom R]

with "what you did"??

maybe you should put 'what you did' in your sig. i dont remember what that is.

[DaveJ]

Feeling like tired and down today and just want to rant a little. I think couple things are causing me to feel this way. Yesterday the W seems to have shut the door on a November Retrouvaille. I guess my pipe dream of being home this year got busted. Oh well, pick myself up and keep going. I told her maybe we can see what happens in a month or so. She said ok... Although I get the feeling that it will be a long time for her to work through her issues and make herself strong again. I guess I'm just dreading spending the holidays by myself. So even though we are making some progress between the two of us I don't seem to feel good about it. Don't know why.

Also my parents aren't knowing how to be supportive. They really don't understand the emotional aspect of things and don't understand why sometimes people need time and space to work through things. They keep asking where we are and if W has a timeline. I understand they are frustrated that I can't be living at home and be with the family. But it's like if you guys can't be supportive, then just leave me alone! Definitely puts a damper on my PMA. It's just sad when I feel more at ease talking to the MIL than my mother....

[DaveJ]

with "what you did"??
maybe you should put 'what you did' in your sig. i dont remember what that is.

Dom, if you click on the link at bottom of my sig you'll see. I was being ignorant, selfish, and immature, and made my wife feel like she can't be herself for all these years. I pretty much did my share of killing her already shaky self confidence. It broke her heart and made her feel worthless. I hurt her very badly in that aspect through my ignorance.

Of course now she has a very difficult time believing that I don't think that way any longer. And I've no idea how to explain it to her that realization and knowledge can change one's perspective very rapidly.... Nor do I have any idea what I can do to show her that.....