Posted this in "doing a 180" also - but guess I will be better of with it in here.... entire thread is on "EMAffairs"....
H and I have been together since June 06, moved in together in July 06 and now run a Bar together since January 07. me: 33, he: 36, my D:8.
As we were really very disrespective with each other during the last months of R - also due to the fact of seing each other, working with each other, living together - sharing everything - not knowing how and when to set our personal limits and time off, this affected the success of our Bar a lot.
H and my biggest topic is now: get out of the financial misery we run our Bar into and save the place and our existences. No matter what.
Now after he moved out 4 weeks ago telling me he fell in love with another woman and that he wanted to DEFINATELY separate (not only to see how we could work the R out better), we slowly start to get along with each other again.
As he has this drinking problem + EA I now analysed his pattern and can objectively say that this was/is HIS way of dealing with himself and NOT take the EA personally.
Also, since we're no longer living with each other and I read DB I guess we're much clearer about things and communicate a lot better about business matters, goals, and even feelings (well, at least he's listening to me when I talk about mine, he can't really express his...)
I know that even though he can't say ILY anymore he does. I just simply feel it. Guess as he never stayed in an R with someone for longer than a year he mixes up Being in Love and Loving.
I kind of think that now that we separated, we'll get along much better with getting the difference between "taking care for business" and "taking care for ourselves".
This can be my BIG chance of showing him, that I CAN trust him, that I CAN detach, and that I am able to not get caught up in destructive patterns of not cherishing the presence of each other. Basically that I LOVE him the way he is. (There was so much critizing bout his drinking habits going on, that he completely shut down and started to drink even more) In todays talk he made clear to me that he IS trying to drink less and feels he can cope - and if it's only slowly.
Right now most of our communication is on a mostly Business-level, but there's always personal stuff going on still - and if it's only a "read between the lines" thing. He sometimes still touches me as if we were still a couple - and there definitely IS more than he WOULD say....
Well, today we decided the following:
- be honest and reliable - meet every morning to talk about the financial status quo and to assist each other in finding a daytime-job to get us out of the money misery until we got a daytime-job (hopefully in 2 weeks time) - meet once a week to go walking together (we never did sports together and our physical condition is really baaaad these days)
I am NOT asking him questions about the OW. And I got a list with good short term goals to realize.
Now if I am doing a 180 myself: - get up early/on time in the morning and not go back to bed after my D went to school - excercise every morning for 30 min - drink more water - smoke less - eat regularly and healthier - clean the house for 30 min every day - spend at least 30 with my D a day intensively with no break - call everyone who we owe money to and clear up the situation - see my counsellour regularly
Guess if I make it to realize them, I'll be in a much better condition.
As "structure" and "individuality" was missing a lot in our R, is THAT a good way to go? I also guess, that the situation of HAVING to work our business out together this could be a better chance than I ever had to work on a R which obviously was ended by him. But in a way, I can't get rid of the feeling that we're now only starting.....
I would be very happy to get your advice and insights! Love, nanah
