WAW1978-Part 4

[waw1978]

PS: Found out that H was in fact on a date the other night. Didn't make me jealous, more of a WTF moment? Won't have relations with me but trying it out with someone else?

Wedding bands for him are off. He is not attending MC or IC anymore. Moving on with his life. Can't wait to get rid of my totally.


So as the WAS who really wanted to leave to force him to recognize that he was treating me poorly and work on things...how much longer am I expected to keep this up?
I am still going to IC as I feel its important to address whatever characted flaws I have and I think I would like to continue to see the MC alone.

Any thoughts?

PS: I took my wedding band off after seeing he isn't wearing his and put non trad engagement ring on the right hand as Kelley had suggested. Its got sapphires so no one notices that its not a regular ring.

[Heimlich]

Waw,

Your H is a donkey. I guess the answer depends on you: how long can you hold on/do you want to hold on?

Maybe it's worth one last face-to-face, heart-to-heart talk from you to him telling him everything you've laid out to us here. If he won't acknowledge your point of view, well, hate to say it, but doesn't sound like much of a chance to save things if he sees no problems in himself.

Then, you'll be free to troll Target for under-aged boys to proposition you as often as you'd like.

BD

[Nomopo]

Hi there. Have been following your sitch loosely from my BB, and wanted to respond to your last post. I'm sorry things are so tough on you right now, and I hope you can keep in mind that (1) in the end you are responsible for yourself, and you control your own happiness, and you can have a great life with or without your H and (2) things will get better in the future, some time and somehow.

Now, . . .

as the WAS who really wanted to leave to force him to recognize that he was treating me poorly and work on things

This surprised me a bit. Not sure if I can articulate why, but here it goes. I sort of accepted WASs withdrawing, shutting down, thinking of walking away, etc. because they needed time and space to sort things out, to think things through, to work out their hurt, disappointment, etc. It caught me off guard a little to read the words you wrote, because it sounded a lot more manipulative, in a bad way. Like punishment, like control in its own right. Maybe you didn't mean that, or put that much thought into those particular words, but thought I'd get that out there.

So ...how much longer am I expected to keep this up?

Expected by whom? All that should matter is what is really important to you. What are your goals? Are you still wanting to save your M? Or are you ready to let go and move on and to see what life brings you (or what you can get out of life)?

I am still going to IC as I feel its important to address whatever characted flaws I have

Good for you. Cause you're doing it for you.

and I think I would like to continue to see the MC alone.

Curious why. I guess it ties back to however you answer the questions about what you want and what your goals are.

PS: I took my wedding band off after seeing he isn't wearing his

Take it off if you want to, not only because he took his off.

Hang in there WAW1978. I know this is tough. If it makes you feel any better, I respect you and I am sorry you are having to deal with this. But keep fightin the good fight, ok?

Nomo

[chicki]

I have to agree w/ Heim, Heim you are so good at this BTW.

Just like my H unless he realizes and owns up to his own faults in the M, nothing will change.

So maybe you ought to go for those boy toys afterall, he he he.

[Nomopo]

Heim,

Just curious why you say this:

Your H is a donkey.

Cause he's moving on? It's not what any of us want, but can you really not understand how a LBS might react that way. He hasn't seen the DR light (and maybe never will). And that's too bad, but I can't say it surprises me that many LBS never to get to the point that those of us who have had the benefit of reading DR do. And even with that benefit, I can understand how her H must feel. Yes, he's confused. But I understand, I think, how he must feel. Can't all of us who have had our spouses "walk away" relate?

Nomo

[thegoodfight]

Did you take your ring off, because you don't believe in the Marriage or saving it, or did you take it off because your mad?

You don't have to wait anymore? You can accept the fact that your husband does not want to change, and is now using the fact that you left as an excuse, to behave badly or you can wait it out a little longer.

My wife has had her ring off for almost two months, I don't even care about the ring anymore. Mine is still on, I catch her checking my hand at least three times a week. I will not react to her actions. I act on my feelings. For me it would have been wrong to react, she does not have any power, I do not feel guilty, I just want my family back, put not to the point where I would compromise my standards or beliefs.

I wish you well I know it is hard.

[Heimlich]

Chicki,
Thanks, don't always feel like I'm good at this.

Nomo,

Having followed WAW from the beginning, while, yes, I can sympathize with WAW's H on one level and I am positive that he is confused and scared. However, unlike you and I, WAW has told her H exactly what she needs from him to make their R and M work and he steadfastly refuses to acknowledge/accept any blame/responsibility on his part. Hence the donkey comment.

Oh, and WAW, still doesn't sound to me like you're done. Frustrated as hell, yes. Finished trying to make this work, no. Focus on you and make yourself a stronger person, which you are doing. He'll notice and come back or he won't. Either way, you'll be happier.

BD

[Nomopo]

Having followed WAW from the beginning, while, yes, I can sympathize with WAW's H on one level and I am positive that he is confused and scared. However, unlike you and I, WAW has told her H exactly what she needs from him to make their R and M work and he steadfastly refuses to acknowledge/accept any blame/responsibility on his part. Hence the donkey comment.

Ok, that makes sense. But in my sitch, the longer this goes, and the longer my WAS stays "away," the more I begin to believe this is less about my issues and more about her issues. Maybe I am deluding myself as well.

WAW, again, I respect you for all your efforts, and think the key for you (and for all of us really) is to focus on you, what your want and what you control. It's so hard, but it's so key.

Nomo

[waw1978]

Thank you everyone for the insight.

Nomo,

I certainly did not mean my comments in a controlling way. Only that I have been asking H for MC for several years to deal with the deep issues we had. I felt like I had not other choice than to leave. Whether to make him see just how badly I was hurting or to force him into dealing with reality. Get his head of the sand. I don't think of this as manipulative. Maybe it is and I just don't recongnize that but as a WAS with an H that had refused to acknowledge out M was trouble I felt this was the only way to get through to him.

How much longer is one of those questions...every one has a different answer. I am still willing to work on the M but if he is not and he had decided to move on and I have been suffering in a loveless union for years...how much longer should I bail water out of sinking ship? Thats how I feel. I feel like H has abandoned ship and is reaching for the life boat going by. Should I let my self drown or swim to shore and start my own life laying on the beach with coconuts and run?

I guess from the WAS pov if you have an H who just doesn't get it, doesn't seem to want to get it, doesn't want to take any responsibility for how we got here...Its just not very encouraging. Sometimes I wish I had just left, shut the door and moved on. Instead I am drawn back by the promise that he could be the man I married. Unless of course he never really was that guy to begin wiht.

As far as the ring, I have been wearing it as long as I felt married. But if I have a spouse that is DATING othe women when he didn't want to date me I feel compelled to chuck the thing in the garbage. Its nearly worthless to me know. It no longer represents what it used too.

You all might forget I haven't had any "gratification" in years...you can only watch so many movies with British men before one becomes restless. I just feel jipped that other woman are enjoying my husband when he never wanted me in that way.

I am staring to feel like i am entitled to go shop at Target and head out a pun crawl. I know negative talk but its been a tough few days and really eye opening about where H is heading with his life. Time to start living mine you know?

[Heimlich]

I just feel jipped that other woman are enjoying my husband when he never wanted me in that way.

Pity those women. You do what you feel best in your heart. You're in a difficult spot.

One thought, you're H's lack of desire toward you -- was that after your D was born? I know that some men have a hard time being with their wife after watching her sprout a second head (if you know what I mean).

Also, his lack of desire and willingness to date other women says less about you than about him. Maybe he sees you taking control of your life and can't accept it. If so, in all honesty, you're better off without him. Maybe, as Nomo alludes to, he's doing this out of pain and fear of losing you. Maybe he's just a dipwad who doesn't know what he's got -- from here, WAW, FWIT, you sound mighty fetching (and I mean that in a platonic way).

Regardless, for now, he's done. Keep growing and be pleasant towards him, if for no other reason than for your D's sake. Who knows, he might still turnaround.

Maybe it's time to put those boob shirts to use. Joking, sorta.

BD