My wife wants out !!

[dadtotwo]

Last week I discovered the cell phone my W has been using to keep her calls to OM secret when we were still together and even now since she moved out. It is a rechargeable phone that she bought the cards for on D-day when I was at work. She says that the phone was necessary because I was checking her calls. Yet, I wasn't even home all day and had to come home and find her on the phone with OM at midnight. She does not deny the talking to OM but sees that she did nothing wrong since "nothing happened". They were just "talking" and he was being supportive since he just went through his own D(what a crock of s**t)

She says that this OM is all new and that she doesn't know where it is going. OM lives around the block from where we lived(where I still do) and OM is recently divorced with children.

How does a S justify secret talks as "nothing happened" just because it didn't become a PA while we were still together??

[frank_D]

because she is nuts(tm) duh!

[dadtotwo]

Detaching is an incredibly difficult process. It is so hard when I look back at my mistakes knowing that my life would be so much happier with my family together. I so don't want to give up on us but I must be truthful to myself and accept that there is no hope. I am having a hard time envisioning myself wth someone else and especially my W with someone else.

I will need a lot of time to heal before stepping back in but it appears that she detached long ago and is finding it easy to get involved with someone else. I have my good days and bad days but I continue to struggle with detaching and being all alone.

I especially hurt when I see my kids and have to drop them off and they cry because they want to live with me again.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do...

[Heimlich]

I so don't want to give up on us but I must be truthful to myself and accept that there is no hope.

How do you know? Do you want to give up? If you don't, then don't. You've not been here long. It takes time to turn things around. Don't throw in the towel because it "looks" hopeless at the moment.

Yes, you have to let her go. Yes, she's detached from you. Focus on yourself and becoming a better person and maybe she'll come back. I'm trying just the same as you. There's no guarantee of success, but I'm not giving up yet.

BD

[dadtotwo]

I do not want to give up. I just don't want to hold on too long and be disappointed much later if she doesn't come back. It seems better to just get over it asap so the pain can finally go away.

[Heimlich]

Seems to me the pain and doubt will last a lifetime if you take the short term look of 'getting the pain over with'. Which is better 20 years from now, knowing that you did everything you could and hung on as long as you could and still failed (or not, you don't know) or that you threw in the towel before you were absolutely sure?

BD

[dadtotwo]

Can anyone explain this..

I call my D5&S4 every night to say "goodnight". Two nights ago, when I was done speaking to my kids, my W got back on the phone and asked me "so how are you doing"? I was quite puzzled and made my answer very short.."I'm good" and quickly ended the call.

Then last night, I call to speak to my kids and, again, she gets on the phone after and says: "for some strange reason I was thinking about you today, so how are you doing"? I didn't want to be as quick as the night before and I told her that my new job was going well and I have been kicking a little a**. I said I am feeling good about the progress I have made to which she replied, "I am happy for you".

I am really not sure what to make of this. For quite some time I was sure she didn't care if I was dead or alive since I am the cause(in her eyes) of her life not being where she pictured it.

Of course, I don't want to over-analyze her motives but she has also not brought up D or mediator in over a month. Ironically, here in NY, she doesn't have any grounds for a D but I won't give her a problem if that is what she wants.

Any thoughts on her persistence to ask: "how are you doing"?

[frank_D]

1) She misses you, she feels like you can't do ok without her and feels guilty about that.

2) She is expecting you to be a wreck so she can justify her actions. She needs that to be true.

[Nugget]

She is asking "how are you doing" because she cares about you. You have been a big part of her life, you are also the father of her children and she cares.

[dadtotwo]

A common theme on the board seems to be a W or H that finds it easier to go outside the M and find someone else. If my W put just 1/10th of the positive emotional energy into or M that she is putting into OM, who knows what may have been possible. We are left wondering as to why our W or H didn't, or wouldn't, talk to us about their unhappiness and allowed themselves to keep it in to a point it becomes resentment.

I look back on my sitch and don't remember my W offering to help or just come to me in a positive way to express how much our M and family meant to her. Instead she just gets more and more angry and resentful then decides to drop the bomb when there is someone else showing interest in her. When I asked my W why she didn't talk to me she said, "because I don't like conflict". WHAT!!! She would rather cash in her chips and convince herself that our M is not worth the effort and find OM to replace me!!

We take all the blame for the failure of the M and THEY break up the family with the thought that our kids will "adjust". I have to endure the pain of seeing my D5 cry every time I drop her off after spending ONE DAY with her. Both my kids want to know when we are moving back in together? I only can do that one day because I am working in order to maintain the expenses and give my W money for my kids.

I just want to understand why so many spouses go outside the M for comfort when they don't feel the M is working?? Then they never take responsibility for the lack of effort. Outside of an abusive R, every effort should be made to bring your M into a better place. If you give it your all, and it still isn't working, at least you can move on with a clear conscience.