Now I've done it... again

[LL44]

What do you mean about dropping the rope?? Detaching? I think you have done wonderfully by taking what you needed out of the account and letting him deal with the pressures of overspending.

See you later.

[mkultra]

I don't think he would be walking on air if you and the kids and his responsibilities did not exist. I think he does feel pressured and burdened and life is hard but those are the most rewarding parts of life. I honestly think our H's feel betrayed by us so they feel entitled to start new Rs. Now we may feel that way as LBS, to also start an EA or begin dating as we reach out for someone we need.

My H said he has not missed me, not a single day. I know he is obsessed with his current affair. I find it so hard to believe that he does not miss "us" and I miss "us" but maybe that is because I am not dating and I would prefer to be with the kids anyways. Maybe I don't really miss him anyways. Maybe we LBS just feel rejected and want to fix it ir win? Human nature???

You still sound like you have hope. If you can visualize a safe return it is still possible. You still care about his things and how he feels. How does he respond to MC? His life is in sucha negative spiral he really needs IC too.

Hijack Re Scout Mom: I really don't think she thinks my H will expose anyone, I just think she wants to keep her D away from the drama of divorce because my D6 was talking about it alot. She may have been tryingto give me space, but she and her H have been married the same amount of time and they also have problems. I think people do fear divorce is contagious!!!

[LL44]

Re Scout mom, well....that makes more sense and makes me like that mom a bit more. But geesh, if anything your D6 needs friends and normal kid stuff, like having a friend over. To keep up the hijack, let me say mk: Your H misses you. They aren't allowed to talk about it. How could he keep justifying what he's doing if he acknowledges his real feelings?

neph, mk has it right, my H totally justifies his A because our marriage was in such 'trouble', all of it being my fault. I think you have lots of hope too. We can't speed up time or change what our spouses do, but we can control what we do, and become even better parents, the rock.

[mkultra]

HJ cont: LWB You have no idea how much those words mean to me right now!!!! I just had a cry fest looking at my S2's photograph in my bedroom. I thought how my neighbor advised me to take down my beautiful baby photographs to have a more romantic bedroom in case I ever brought a date home! I looked at it and bursted into tears thinking how my H would be the only man in the world for me because he is the father of my kids but how easy it is for him to stray. I know it happens but I cannot wrap my head around finding a perfect step father for my kids. Especially with the stats stacked against me. Tell me to take this dating thing one step at a time. It could just be dinner right? OMG. Thank you for reminding me I can be happy as a good parent. The rock.

[LL44]

mk, something I said helped you? WOW I feel so good right now, usually you pop in with this wonderful advice, so that makes me happy that I can help you refocus.

Dating. BLECKY lol It doesn't have to be dinner. It could be lunch. Don't even think of it as dating. You have proven you aren't ready for anything since you didn't enjoy the flirting last night (although I think it had a lot to do with the fact you were at the 'scene of the crime' and were already having a bad night). Nothing wrong with focusing 100% on your kids for as long as you want. They deserve it, and motherhood is something we can always embrace.

And yes, I still think H is the only one in the world for me. Thoughts of dating make me sick to my stomach. But the fact that H could do as much as he has done really throws me too. I agree on the step parent thing and a possible second marriage. Not good stats.

[nephartiti]

MK, we went to one MC session less than a week before the separation. I brought it up once since the separation. First he said no, then he said ok. When I asked him when would be a good time he yelled, "I'm booked for the next two months!" (His whole vacation.) Then he said he doesn't want anything to do with me. He doesn't even want to look at me. I'm sure he's not missing me. He might be missing my cooking. I am the first veg partner he has had, and I have an AA in culinary arts. I'm sure she can't compete with me there. Hence the gift of the vegan cookbook and the trip to our restaurant. He's trying to convert her. Actually, I'm speculating that he went shopping and has been doing a lot of the cooking (that I taught him.

Now, about you ladies joy riding on my thread LOL. I'm in the same boat. I feel lonely and rejected. A part of me wants to bandaid that with some attention, but it just doesn't feel right. I want my H. I have also thought about the "Do I just want him because he doesn't want me? Is it just my ego? Do I really want this monster he has become?"

Let me share another story. S9 is from a previous relationship. I was 16 when we met. I had S9 when I was 20. We were together 6 years. He had an EA, but it turns out they were really just friends, but I just couldn't hang. I gave an ultimatum. He said he wasn't going to give up his friend. I left without looking back. Two weeks later, he tried to ask me to reconsider. I stuck to my "requirements". He said no. Even though this was my choice, I was devastated. I was 22 and didn't handle it well. I went into what I refer to as "Self-destruct mode". I started drinking and sleeping around. I wasn't a complete whore, but, considering S9's dad was my first and only, it seemed like a lot to me. In the course of a year, I dated several guys and slept with 3. Then, S9's dad starts coming around to see me, not just S9. Gradually we start talking about putting things back together. We talked a lot and I disclosed that I had been seeing other people. He was devastated and got very angry. It turns out, he had been faithful, physically, the whole time. However, that same week, he got involved with a girl at work. As soon as I found out he was sleeping with this girl, I went crazy trying to get him back, but he "didn't want to hurt her." Well, I pulled out my last weapon-Sex. Then I realized I didn't really want him. I just wanted him to keep wanting me. (I wanted to make sure he was still part of my circle.) I met my H not too long after that. S9's dad stayed with that girl for three years. Then he left her for his current wife.

This illustates 2 things. One, if I hadn't dated and just stayed faithful, maybe we could have workd through our problems, but maybe not. I just know it really complicated things. Two, ego pride is a very powerful thing.

This is how I know I still love my H. I can look at him or a picture of him and still feel warmth and love in my heart. I look at his children and see him in them and smile. When they do something new, I want him to share it. I hurt when I see him struggle. Ego pride does not have compassion. It will obsess, and it will try to dominate and control. It is the part that gets PO'd by his new R. It's there, but it isn't the only thing that's there. That's my take on it anyway.

Had a productive day. Worked on the house-did some redecorating, sorting and cleaning. Then went to my mom's for dinner. It was really nice. I go see my therapist tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it.

[nephartiti]

lwb, sorry, I got caught up in my tangent.

In the MLC forum, they talk about dropping the rope a lot. It refers to completely letting go of the MLCer. Any area of influence must be let go to allow them the space to complete the MLC process. Now, my understanding is that not everyone who has an affair is in an MLC, but affairs are a very common component of someone who is having an MLC. I think MK's H is pretty classic. My H seems to be there too. I don't think you or Morgan are really dealing with MLC. Your H's are still enough like the men you knew to recognize them and they haven't neglected their kids or their responsibilities in general. They have betrayed their spouse and become monsters to you beautiful women, don't get me wrong. They are still aliens.
I'm still reading up on MLC. I think MK could probably add a lot more here.

[SallyM]

neph, you are giving me a lot to mull over today, both in my thread and in yours.

glad you had a good day today. you sound so strong, so clear headed right now.

[mkultra]

I wish we had a time table or matrix to assess some of these MLC facts as it does seem so predictable.

But Neph, I feel like we are in a different boat than most others in the MLC forum, because our H's are not only MLC but because they are already in alternative lifestyles to begin with. Maybe it is not so alternative coming from California, but perhaps for this worldwide forum? I just know that your H being a teacher and a vegan and a Latino (not a minority in CA!) makes him different. My H being a poet, homeless, emo, European in the States makes him different. My H cannot just hang out with the dudes on a Monday watching football talking shop and cars. No, but he can talk to your husband about Latin American poetry and vegan dishes. I think this aspect of my H, maybe yours too, has already made him an insecure outcast, isolated from society. He has gone even more underground into a punk culture that he once ridiculed.

I sense your H misses way more than your cooking. I am hungry just redaing your credentials! He is just lost and insecure also. What could have possibly caused him to escalate into physical violence, even an accidental slap is out of control.

[nephartiti]

For about two weeks now, my e-mail is flooded w/messagees say things like "You have a new love interes!" Do you think H and OW would sign me up for some online dating thing? Am I just being paranoid?