You haven't discussed much about your sitch and I understand the need to keep things private but I would appreciate your posting what worked in rattling the tree. H is a master at sidestepping, redirecting and otherwise derailing these issues.
Karen, When I came to this board, I was very HD, irrationally HD for me, due to a few factors that had come together. I wanted a sexual relationship with my H after years of having little to no intimacy. My H was stubborn, resistant and mean. In the preceding years he had gotten increasingly irritable and angry...I should have opened my eyes then, but I attritubed it to life changes and stress, and somehow or other, I had gotten acclimated to it all. It's amazing to me now how I just let it go....above all else, my H is really a very endearing man, a real sweetie pie, and he had changed so much. And now that I was challenging him, his defenses were like barbed wires to my soul. I had a feeling he was hiding something. I had the feeling in th beginning but got nowhere and let it drop, but watching other people's situations here, well, things would hit home. So I started really getting on his case, observing everything. Remember, too, that I was ready to leave the marriage, and he was starting to unravel from the pressure of it all.
Now, you and I may disagree here, but I did snoop. Checked cell phones. Phone records. Schedules. Computer. ( Lil, if you remember, you once kind of laughed at my suggestion to someone else to get online and check cell phone records...you see, I was getting savvy). And NOP, your voice was in my head all the while.
Eventually I did find something, and that led to H telling me his involvement with OW, that he wanted her out of his life but wanted to be a friend too. And this is sooo my H...friend to the world, but missing the boat in terms of protecting and caring for me.
I did find clues to his sexuality through this fantasy relationship. My feeling is that H wanted a partner who had some "male attributes" in terms of direction and ambition. His father was an alcoholic, a poor provider, and he was scared of falling short himself. When he married me, he saw someone who could lead the way...until I didn't. He wasn't able to help me out with my depression, and more resentment and distance grew. For both of us. He flew into a fantasy where he was seen as " the man." I could go on and on with this, but I'll stop here to say that it was the confronting and shaking up that got me the answers. And like you, I am not afraid of them...I just want the truth, and I can work with that.
