1. Told You So If you had gone dark on him,it would have been even worse than now. He's confused right now, that you havent been calling him. he has interpreted that as "you arent very attached to him anyway".
Side note: this hints that he is an insecure man, not an "alpha" type man. He's insecure/low drive about pursuing women. This would fit in with all your original "dating" history, that you had to pursue HIM. It says that maybe he's not the pursuing type. file this away in your little "facts about him" file. becuase this should factor in any future large decisions about the two of you, or any "is he A, or B" attempts to figure out his motivations.
2. LISTEN TO HIM about your family. Being dragged along to your family's thing, every year seems like a long-standing point of resentment to him. You might consider just plain not going this year, if he offers you a (you and your children) alternative. Yeah, he said he "isnt ready for that". Well.. dont pressure him,or even bring it up much... but I woudl suggest being ready to take him up on any offer, or hint of an offer from him, if he chooses to make one.
3. "expectations are bad". But what makes them bad,is the silent, unstated nature of them. You have an expectation that he will call you more during the week. Maybe, he doesnt even understand that expectation. (Dom's rule #1 of DB-ing: Men Are Dumb ) Also, you have a self-expectation,that you "shouldnt call him, or bother him" during the week. Maybe, now that you are "dating", that shouldnt be the case any more.
I think you should consider talking to him more directly. about this stuff. If you do, i think it is important for you to bring it up in an athmosphere not of, "Here's What I Expect", but rather, something like,"I was going on these assumptions: maybe we had some crossed wires.. I dont want to make invalid assumptions any more,so what are your views on this?"
4. reguarding his appartment; I think you need to mention in some way, that you were respecting what seemed to be HIS choice about it: you figured that if he wanted you to know where it is, he would have invited you. I dont think it's a good idea to encourage the whole "I dont want to see it" attitude, btw.
5. "I need to decide if I can't live without you".
Ok, this is just about the stupidest biggest pile of "romanticized" marital CRAP that is out there :-P This is the WRONG attitude for "should I marry/stay married". I think that you seriously need to mention that this is a "hollywood" type of rationale for marriage,and since when did "hollywood" marriages ever last?
The next time any kind of "his process" talk comes up, I think it would be a Very Good Thing, for you to share some alternative viewpoints on why people might choose to get married, and what actually helps a marriage LAST. It would be Really Helpful, if you could figure out some people that you (ideally both) know, who have been married a long time, and who are happy with each other now. Then get THEIR opinion on that stuff.
His statement immplicitly says, "when two people dont feel 'in love' any more, they shouldnt be married any more". Which is a guaranteed disaster for a marriage. So if he's basing his decision making on that pile... even if he does come back, he will leave you later. He's got to find a better framework for marriage, that is both a sound framework, AND sounds good to him.
final thoughts for the post:
I think it's good you had the 'R' talk. still try not to loose PMI, even through the frustration.
PS: I had a slight "up"swing in my rollercoaster last night. hopefuly, it will stay positive, through our trip this next weekend
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
