MKB? My goodness it has been awhile! Very good to hear from you and that the path of your "M" is still rolling along. Maybe my following post will answer most of your questions, if not drop by again with more! My welcome mat is always there to wipe your feet in my thread.
SOOO...On with the show! I haven't been able to visit any threads nor spittle in my own because At my job I was being churned through the meat grinder. I was working in a literal sweatshop because 5 out of 7 individuals who normally work with me failed to show up most of the week through various illnesses and life traumas. It left me doing the work of several people and left me feeling vacant, bitter and exhausted. This is coming from a person that hates his job anyway and add triple the workload and you have the main ingredients for a meltdown. And I did.... I have been struggling with the "sobriety" issue for a few weeks now. Not because I really so want to drink but because when I decided to quit it was for the main purpose to take alcohol out of the equation for everything in life. In the past, anything I ever did wrong was brought to my attention that it was because of alcohol. I didn't drink everyday, nor did I empty half gallons on liquor, craved mouthwash nor hid any bottles from anyone. I did drink away from my W because I was tired of being called a drunk whenever I did drink. Whenever I have been going to my AA meetings, the home becomes active with some sort of drama from the kids and my W. So I dread going for the sake at what I am going to confront when I get in the door. Saturday before I left my W just kind of "pfmmpf" when I said that I was on my way to the meeting. I blurbed out of frustration sobriety, "big deal". Really, all the issues I had when I was drinking , I have now. In fact if you removed the year on the calendar...things would look exactly the same as last year...only one huge thing is different. My W can actually tolerate being in the same room with me. After a less than enjoyable meeting, that neither cleansed nor clarified my "teflon head" I came home anticipating some sort of drama. There really wasnt much of one....except for what was riding in my head. My W asked me in her sarcastic tone what is wrong with me? I took a breath and let it all out without emotion. I said that it was hard for me to understand why it was soooo important for me to be sober when no one really cares or feels its necessary to go to my meetings. Also that I have noticed that My W is back to feeling bad about her appearance and then she takes it out on everyone within shouting distance. This was touched on when she said that "marriage makes you fat". Last week she went and bought BOTOX for herself (which I really didnt have any problem with if it makes her happy, but I dont believe she needed it whatsoever)> She asked me if I felt happily married....I said I am not happy with myself in any way, any fashion. I am at a crossroads in my life where I need to make dramatic changes and receive some sort of clarity. I said it is hard to be happily married when I am not happy with myself. I said that I was lucky to be married with her but I wasnt happily married...she didnt like that answer at all. Our anniversay is this fri and to think of that is a miracle in itself.....after all that has gone on in the last year, I thought I would be celebrating that anniversary in a courthouse. We sat and talked (when we could) about where we are at. It was good in the sense that I didnt hold anything back and just said what I felt without any personal attacks or demands. I told her how frustrating it is to still have the little one sleep with us EVERY night, how everything we do is for the children without any consideration to ourselves, how I need to resolve a lot of issues within myself. She seemed to understand somewhat but was still upset over the whole discussion. I wanted to go out of town but we cant because of middle (s) football game on sat. So I reserved dinner for 2 at a restaurant she wanted to go to. Other than that my mind is fading so will put a close on this rambling. One thing that was said at my AA meeting is so true...you get out of anything what you put it in...I think I need to put more in apparently in everything...peace
