Dang, I wrote a really long and involved reply and lost it.
Martelo - your thinking is most similar to mine.
I don't snoop because of personal ethics and the reality that it probably wouldn't hold the answers anyway. Anything I might uncover would only hold a small part of the story. What if I did find gay porn or porn of particular kink or whatever? Maybe it is simply fantasy material, maybe it was a one time look see or maybe it represents a real unfulfilled wish. What if I uncover a PA or an EA? OK - this is the one thing that might actually help to know but I feel that this is actually the least likely thing.
Is H gay? Possibly but probably not. If he is he doesn't think so. He experimented once years ago and didn't get an E. He left seminary for a girl, because he didn't like the church's structure and because he hated that all the clearly gay priests were not celibate but they expected everyone else to be (hypocrisy). Is it possible that he is somewhere along the sexual continuum that isn't exactly straight? Probably. He may have some gay type fantasies or whatever. Is this necessarily a deal breaker? I don't know.
I think it is equally likely that he is hiding some other sexual secret - porn addiction, past sexual abuse, a particular kink, severe madonna/whore complex, severe issues related to inadequate sexual development. Is this a deal breaker? Again I don't know.
If there were a sexual secret that we could bring out and deal with things might work much better.
H is steryotypically masculine, Alpha, refused to see Brokeback Mountain because he shies away from specific references to gay sex but will laugh at movies that involve gay humor, laughs because a lot of his relatives thought he was gay because he waited so long to marry, is a terrible dresser, not Metrosexual at all, has a gay best friend, etc... As Lil said - what makes someone gay is preferring to have sex with someone of the same sex and nothing else. My H is probably too puritanical to fit in with most gays even if he is gay - he HATES casual sexuality in anyone. I have seen him clearly attracted to another woman on a couple of occasions (not many) and he kept art from one exgf in the house FOREVER until I pushed the issue.
Why don't I let it be known that I would like a good screw? Several reasons (a)we aren't on birth control and need to discuss future procreation - I'm a no and he's a "if it happens it happens", (b)don't want a pity screw and (c)the bigger issues loom larger than my libido right now and (d)I wanted to see what would happen if I just quit trying and here we are.
Journey,
You haven't discussed much about your sitch and I understand the need to keep things private but I would appreciate your posting what worked in rattling the tree. H is a master at sidestepping, redirecting and otherwise derailing these issues.
Currently I am considering seeing a sex therapist for a few sessions to discuss things. I can't even get H alone to discuss any of this and if I directly ask to talk I have to do everything to make it happen too. I won't ask to talk again until I know what I want - thus, the therapist.
Lil,
About the legacy thing. H should have lived in a commune. He likes groups. He doesn't deal well in small numbers and the marital dyad seems the most restrictive of all to him. He likes to have scads of people around almost all the time. I think he views his ideal as living VERY close with all of our grown kids, their families and so on like in farming communities. This group dynamic has always made intimacy a challenge.
I am feeling at this time like I would just like to know the truth. What if we could have a real negotiation around these issues. I would rather H say - "Hey hon, I love you and I want to stay married but what really turns me on is sex with farm animals so how about I have sex with farm animals and you have a boyfriend and we raise our kids together" than continue this way. I guess what I'm saying is that I have an ideal but I am willing to discuss other things even if they are unconventional.
BTW - baby boy is rolling over and is the cutest baby ever born and I will never be sorry that I had him or DD3 no matter what kind of kink H might have.
