Yes, it does drive me crazy about what he sees in her. It’s so insulting that he is even considering choosing this low-life ho. The longer he sits on the fence, the less sure I get. His ambivalence is making me ambivalent. Or perhaps it's resentment. Or both. For the past 3 months I have been adamant to myself that I want to R. Now I don't know.
I don't know how much longer I can take the lies. He is not lying to me outright, but he went out Saturday to pick up something for dinner. I also needed things at the store so I suggested we go together. No, he didn’t want that. He wanted to go alone. I know he went to see her. He was gone for nearly 3 hrs and he stopped at the liquor store near her house (which is WAY out of the way for him to go to). There is only one reason he would go to that store, to see her.
I wanted to do something with him Saturday night – go out, see a movie, get dinner, anything. We did nothing. We spent time together but did nothing exciting. Instead, he saved his energy for going out with his friends on Sunday. He can’t have fun with me, would rather have fun with them, or her. Perhaps he thinks I'm a boring person.
I've had several suggestions from people here to do MC if he is willing. But what is the point if he won't commit? Seems like false hope to me. At this point I don't know what I want either. I'm thinking of telling him to go. If that’s what he wants, go, I give you your freedom. I can’t take any more lack of respect. My bitterness is eating me alive.
As far as GAL, I really think he would see it as me moving on. Why? Because we have been really independent of each other and our activities the past few years, so GAL isn’t too much different. I’m not saying I’m not GAL, I am trying -- for ME. But I’m off to a slow start. I spent some time with friends this weekend and enjoyed it. Although going out more with friends may make him jealous. But I think the only thing that would get his attention is if I found a male friend. If he thought he was really losing me to someone else, I know he would start thinking hard!
He actually gave me that option a couple months ago. He said "I feel I need to ask this but don't want to. If you feel the need to date or something like that please let me know." I asked him why he didn't want to ask that and it was like pulling teeth to get an answer out of him. He finally said, "because I was afraid it would be over." I could have cried. But still he won't commit, is still lying and seeing her.
I'm writing today because I have this urge to email him and tell him I can't do this anymore. But I don't want to do that for the wrong reasons or because I'm angry and resentful.
Tomorrow is our daughter's birthday. I love birthdays. I love to make them special but God help me my heart is not in it this year because of him. I am thinking of the birth of our beautiful daughter 14 years ago. And it should be a good memory. Now that memory is clouded with the pain, hurt and anger of his actions. I hate him for that. I hate the fact that we're going to act all happy during this celebration when deep down I am not.
I just don't know what to do. I really need some TLC here
