new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

Thanks you guys. I guess I would ask why if he feels what i did or am doing is wrong why is he doing the same thing? Is it payback?

OK forrest.....

What I haven't said is this. The way I was was ridiculous. I did not even know how to set our alarm clock. He did EVERYTHING for me. If we fought or argued or I got mad, he would just lie down and take it. I had alot of anger (mu own issues which I am now dealing with in counselling) and I took it out on him. I told him on numerous occassions that I wished he would stand up to me and say 'you are acting like a b*tch' I would have respected him for that. I felt guilty often because I would get angry and he jsut took it. I think that alot of what has changed now is that he does not take it. He does stand up to me. I find that wonderful and I am so proud of him and have a huge amo0unt of respect for him.

what makes me soooo sad is that we are both doing so much work on ourselves (individually that we should have done together) that it blows my mind to think what a healthy relationship we could have together...how good it coudl be. I know he went through all that I am now. I have as much been told by the posters on the other board that know us both. I don't know when he gave up but I would do anything to fix this.

When I left I needed to know that I was OK with me. I felt like I had no identity and that I could not take care of myself. What we have each learned about ourselves is unbelievable. I do know that he told my mother that he would never let htis happen to him again. That he could not live through it again. I dont even know if I can stress. He worshipped me. If you asked anyone who knew us they would say this.

The one day we were talking in the garage and he said..'do you know what people used to say about us?' I did. We were the perfect couple, the couple that would never split. Look at what I've done. I am so scared that I have made a mistake I will regret for the rest of my life.

He has said that he will go to counselling in the future but not now. I have the same C he had, by the way.

I should also say that this female friend of his. He told me he started hangin gout with her at the end of June. I will admit here that I snooped and heard a message from her saying (he was going to the states for a concert) that she missed him already and that she loved him. She did say she loved his best friend too but then added 'and I had a great time last nite' I felt like someone punched me in the stomache.

I guess when I left I felt that I would go and sort my [censored] out and then we would be OK. We would get back together. I think that hearing that message really hit me that what I had done might cause the end of 'us'. Iwent into panic mode. I never thought he would fall for someone else and now that I had heard that I was terrified.

To this day he does not know that I snooped (did not like what i heard and it really hurt) I don't snoop anymore needless to say.

Well what do you think?