Now I've done it... again

[nephartiti]

MK, we went to one MC session less than a week before the separation. I brought it up once since the separation. First he said no, then he said ok. When I asked him when would be a good time he yelled, "I'm booked for the next two months!" (His whole vacation.) Then he said he doesn't want anything to do with me. He doesn't even want to look at me. I'm sure he's not missing me. He might be missing my cooking. I am the first veg partner he has had, and I have an AA in culinary arts. I'm sure she can't compete with me there. Hence the gift of the vegan cookbook and the trip to our restaurant. He's trying to convert her. Actually, I'm speculating that he went shopping and has been doing a lot of the cooking (that I taught him.

Now, about you ladies joy riding on my thread LOL. I'm in the same boat. I feel lonely and rejected. A part of me wants to bandaid that with some attention, but it just doesn't feel right. I want my H. I have also thought about the "Do I just want him because he doesn't want me? Is it just my ego? Do I really want this monster he has become?"

Let me share another story. S9 is from a previous relationship. I was 16 when we met. I had S9 when I was 20. We were together 6 years. He had an EA, but it turns out they were really just friends, but I just couldn't hang. I gave an ultimatum. He said he wasn't going to give up his friend. I left without looking back. Two weeks later, he tried to ask me to reconsider. I stuck to my "requirements". He said no. Even though this was my choice, I was devastated. I was 22 and didn't handle it well. I went into what I refer to as "Self-destruct mode". I started drinking and sleeping around. I wasn't a complete whore, but, considering S9's dad was my first and only, it seemed like a lot to me. In the course of a year, I dated several guys and slept with 3. Then, S9's dad starts coming around to see me, not just S9. Gradually we start talking about putting things back together. We talked a lot and I disclosed that I had been seeing other people. He was devastated and got very angry. It turns out, he had been faithful, physically, the whole time. However, that same week, he got involved with a girl at work. As soon as I found out he was sleeping with this girl, I went crazy trying to get him back, but he "didn't want to hurt her." Well, I pulled out my last weapon-Sex. Then I realized I didn't really want him. I just wanted him to keep wanting me. (I wanted to make sure he was still part of my circle.) I met my H not too long after that. S9's dad stayed with that girl for three years. Then he left her for his current wife.

This illustates 2 things. One, if I hadn't dated and just stayed faithful, maybe we could have workd through our problems, but maybe not. I just know it really complicated things. Two, ego pride is a very powerful thing.

This is how I know I still love my H. I can look at him or a picture of him and still feel warmth and love in my heart. I look at his children and see him in them and smile. When they do something new, I want him to share it. I hurt when I see him struggle. Ego pride does not have compassion. It will obsess, and it will try to dominate and control. It is the part that gets PO'd by his new R. It's there, but it isn't the only thing that's there. That's my take on it anyway.

Had a productive day. Worked on the house-did some redecorating, sorting and cleaning. Then went to my mom's for dinner. It was really nice. I go see my therapist tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it.