W phoned tonight , said I need to talk to you about something . I think Uh Oh . Anyway after about 5 mins of small talk she gets to the point and its only about getting the TV put on at her apartment and when can I do it. Then she talks about some people we know and how she will be seeing them on saturday night and she is worried about how they be with her. I just said I think you will find people are more understanding than you think. Then she rambled a bit about how she is still unsure about what she wants and where she is headed , said its early days yet . I really just listened for a bit said I understand then cut her short ( nicely) . W said OK dear I will see you tommorrow . Now thats the first time shes called me dear for it seems like forever. A slip of the tongue perhaps while her defences were down but a surprise for me.
What do I make of this ? without getting into guessing , fact is if she is going to the trouble of getting me to put a satelite dish in for her then shes planning on staying there a while. That is good for two reasons. 1stly it means she has stalled on the idea of moving to a bigger place and taking D to live with her for a while at least, also she is not going to try and come home too soon ( if at all).
It was only today I was thinking it may be time to move on , does the WAS have some sort of pshycic link that tells them when its time to throw a little something out there so we dont drift too far away?
I keep getting the feeling that the message hidden in all this turmoil is " give me time , I cant guarantee anything but I am not as far away as you may think ".
I can't remember all of your back story, but it's not been terribly long that she's been out of the house and you see each other all of the time. I believe you've given others similar advice, so: just because she gets a dish doesn't mean she can't change her mind in the future. Don't mind read and keep DBing. Plus, and I can't remember who posted this (maybe I've seen it in multiple places), it seems to be that most of the WAWs come back once the LBS is well and truly detached.
Keep on keeping on.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
I know she can change her mind however this is a firm action. It only a few weeks back that she was venting about hating that place and telling me she is looking for another place where she can set up long term and take D with her to live and it was not worth setting anything up whrere she is. this is a solid step back from that situation where she has both said and showing by actions that she is not prepared to make that step yet. It may well still come and it wont be the end of the world.
There is lots to get through yet but its good to see that run away train stop for a while.
C_K - I bet her mind's racing as much as yours is, and is up and down even more. I wouldn't read too much into the TV thing. And glad you got a "dear"!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I am reading a book called After the Affair, that tells the story from both sides--those who are hurt, and those who have an affair.
We all know how we are feeling, but it was interesting to read about the other side--how they are so overcome with the multitude of choices, that they become paralyzed by them all, not sure where to go, so they often just tread water for quite a while.
I'm still reading, but may post something about WASs if I find out anything that seems helpful.
Thanks both for looking in , I am keeping up with your sitchs and will post to you both at some stage , right now at work with limited time.
you both make good points and she is in that "treading water" stage.
I am close to the moving on stage where I have had enough and think OK lets just get on with it so we can get on with life. But I am very aware that I have know real idea of where she is at. I just get back to my main Goal , that is what will be best for my family and right now thats to give things some more time.
Continue to focus on my personal Goals but not move on yet. In amongst this I am trying to build some "attraction" because I firmly believe that if she does decide to come back it needs to be because she wants to come back to me.
Its hard to get down on paper the connection that we have and last night on the phone it was there , we were talking about what other people have said to us and advice we have been given. We actualy agreed this is "our" separation and to heck with other people we can do this "our" way.
Personaly I have no expectations , am realistic in knowing things could go either way , I am happy in myself and right now i treat this as a growing and learning experience .
1. Believe none of what you hear and only 1/2 of what you see! Forget about the "dear" and make your choices for you. She will either follow or not!
2. The point that she really has no clue what she wants is a great one. In the end, your best chance is to be true to yourself and pursue your Path with Heart. From my ltd. knowledge of your sitch, this strongly involves your role as father and provider.
3. France 25 Ireland 3...ouch!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I agree with SD, it is great to hear these things, but I think you have found a path that is true to yourself. She is seeing this by her actions, she may just come around. And maybe if she does, you will be ready to move on, regardless keep up the great choices and doing what is right by you. By being the strong person you are showing, there will be few regrets on your end if she decides not to follow. You are certainly doing what is right by yourself and kids.
Personaly I have no expectations , am realistic in knowing things could go either way , I am happy in myself and right now i treat this as a growing and learning experience .
That is the preferred place to be, isn't it?
As usual, I'm right there with you, getting a lot out of the ride.
Yes, it is a mix of being ready to get on with life, & not quite being sure where your S is at the moment.
Because we all know that feeling change, she could be closer than you know. In fact, it does sound like you are having more connections, such as the one you had one the phone.
As the D attny said to me when I said I might be ready to file at any moment, "what's your hurry, are you planning on getting married to someone else soon?"
I think she's right, it is tempting to consider ending it & moving on to move out of limbo. The end result though, is that you would just trade it for something else that might not be pleasent either.
I think she's right, it is tempting to consider ending it & moving on to move out of limbo. The end result though, is that you would just trade it for something else that might not be pleasent either.
This is absolutely true, IMO. It is actually like moving from one form of limbo to another -- esp if you haven't actually moved on and are still hoping for or desiring your spouse to come back.
Great point, Sunny!
You are BOTH inspirations for me! You both handle everything so well and with such independence. I love reading up on your sitches just to witness this!
