Hi, we are not divorced yet, haven't filed, but that may happen soon. That is why I am writing. It was 5 months ago that my W said she was done, ready for the D, and moved out. She's been traveling and staying at a friends house until 9/1 and now has her own apt. We share the kids with each of us getting every other week.
When she first made the big announcement, she wanted to talk every day about the logistics of the D, how the finances will be split, what about holidays with the kids, who gets the car, when can we file, etc. In the last couple of months that has slowed down. We talk almost every day and get along well. I can't tell if she is kind to me because she's not angry any more, or if she has completely detached and just sees me as her friend now.
So, about once a week she asks if I have gotten a lawyer yet. I drag my feet a little because she doesn't seem to be in as big a rush and I'm just buying time. But, then when just when I have hope that maybe she's got second thoughts, she asks me again.
I have an appt tomorrow to see a lawyer and talk about the requirements for filing. We have agreed on most everything, so when we actually file it should be relatively straight forward.
As I said, we seem to be getting along great. We trade emails and IMs, joke and share stories, getting along better than we have in years, but yet she still asks, when am I going to see my lawyer.
Is this common with a WAS? Do I have false hope because she is nice to me. Her mom was in town last weekend and she even brought her over to see me, chatted for about an hour. Whenever she needs anything, she calls me. But still asks if I have seen the lawyer yet.
I have my appt tomorrow. Any suggestions? Should I stall some more, move on with filing to act as if I am getting on with my life, take the opportunity to ask is she is sure about this? What are my next steps. I've been very postive, helped her move in, helped her paint, move furniture, all without any talk about our R. I just act as if I have my own life and I'm helping a friend. Maybe that's why she is friendly to me, she thinks I'm OK with all of this and doesn't feel guilty anymore.
From what she says, she'd like to file next week, but I can't tell if that is what she really wants. Maybe she's just being nice to not hurt me because she knows this is not what I want.
It sure is confusing.... Any suggestions are appreciated
Yesterday she said we needed to talk about finances and suggested I come over. We were going to put the kids to bed, and go for a run, I assume we were going to talk while running, all seemed good to me.
We had a "back to school night" at the school that we went to together. I went to her house after, helped put the kids to bed, decided she didn't want to run, she poured a glass of wine for both of us and then talked about her job for a while, in detail, said that's why she's grumpy and appologized for not feeling like running. No talk about finances, no talk about the D accept that she had a story that she thought was funny about teasing her about what her new name (old name actually) was going to be. Not relevent, but seems she likes to insert little D references when she can, I think that helps her keep it in perspective.
When I left, she thanked me for the ride home, said thanks for coming over, sorry for not running, have a good night.
This morning, she needed clothes for my oldest, so she called at 7. I took clothes over, helped get the kids ready for school, walked them to school, thanked her for the coffee she made, said have a good day and parted ways. All very friendly, not talk about R or D, just good friends taking care of the children.
I see many similarities with other threads. We seem to be better friends than before the conflict and the decision for the D, probably because we don't discuss difficult day to day stuff anymore, but I'd like to think it's because she's not angry any more. What I also see in a lot of threads is that the nice ex is only nice because she's detached and it's easy to be nice when there is no investment. Hard to tell which is the case. Hard to tell if she still has any moments of regret or attraction to me, or if she is just being as friendly to me as she is to her other platonic friends.
I think for most WAS's that emulate the actions and feelings like you are describing, do so because they have detached and not necessarily because there is no longer anger or resentment.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
My sitch is similar in many ways, but over the past six weeks it has gone almost dark. Prior to that there was much communication, even dinners and intimacy. However, after we sold the house the time together became less often.
Hard to say why they do this, I would like to believe that my WAW is very confused, but who knows. As you have young children together it is good at least that you are able to be civil.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
I could actually appreciate more anger and/or less than nice behavior, then it would be easier for me to detach as well. As I mentioned, we get along better than ever, no hint of intimacy, but lots of playful banter as if we were best friends that were attracted to each other. (but, just to keep it clear, there's another request for lawyer status thrown in)
The kids and I were at the park yesterday,(it's my week with the kids) she called and asked where we were, and if she could meet us. I said sure, and we hung out at the park, all together, for about an hour. She had plans later, I didn't ask for specifics. We had a nice time at the park, said goodbye to each other, and both smiled, and said have a good night.
She seems nicer than she would to the average joe, but then maybe she is that nice to everyone. I would just think that if she truly had no feelings for me, then she would be more business like, less smiles, less laughing.
I'm probably reading more into it than I should, probably a little more hopeful than I should be, but it's hard to believe that two people with three children together, who get along this well, can't find a way to work it out.
Part of me thinks that she's just pushing forward because she's made the decision for the D and in her had has past the point of no return since it took so much effort to make that decision.
But, the reality seems, based on a lot of similar stories that I've read here, is that she's very detachced, comfortable, isn't invested enough in me to let anything bother her anymore, so the sight of me doesn't irritate her like it used to. But it she is that comfortable with me again, seems like it might make sense to explore rebuilding what we had, at least in my head.
So, all of you in similar situations, how do you manage going forward? The DBing seems to be working in the sense that we get along, don't argue, don't talk about the R, and aside from an occasional question about my status of getting a L there is very little talk about the D. She reminds me that we are still headed on that track, but not with the sense of urgency and pressure that was there four months ago. (again, I realize that I could be completely ignoring the "I want a divorce" clues)
Haven't talked about maybe going to an counselor, or spending more time together, or even suggesting tha we delay filing, should I? When is a good time for any of that. I am enjoying that we get along and want to build on friendly memories. I don't want to take a giant step backwards and get the D machine fired up if it isn't necessary, but at the same time, I don't want to move forward with filing as if I am OK with all of this.
Should I move forward with filing, or should I continue to have "trouble" finding a good L and buy more time. At what point can I suggest that we might go to a MC instead of a L?
I don't want to dig out any of the hole I have spent so much time filling in.
You don't necessarily need to initiate the filing, but it wouldn't hurt for you to talk to some lawyers. If nothing else, the information would be useful.
I'd suggest no pushing...no suggestions of counseling or anything like that. It'll make her run faster. For whatever reason, she's slowed down.
I guess I was more asking about where do you draw the line not helping with the D process and being an irritating roadblock? I see lots of advice that if the WAS wants to get out, let them do the work, but I fear that if I am too uncooperative than it just reaffirms that I'm a difficult to deal with and let's move on.
I'm sure that she will file eventually, if not next week, next month, again, it probably depends on how much I help. My question, more to the point, is when do you suggest an alternate path such as counseling, if ever? Do I wait until she suggests it? She might feel like she has failed to stick with her decision if she initiates, but might be waiting for me to suggest it, or maybe not yet and me suggesting it will only stir th pot.
On a side note, I consulted with a lawyer a while back and will definately have one if this heats up, I'm just playing if off that I'm too busy to find one to try to slow the progress, my attitude has been like "Yeah, I understand that I need to get a lawyer to review the stuff, I'm just buried at work and haven't had the time, I'll get to it" and she seem OK with that and typically doesn't bring it up again for another week.
