Falling slowly

[ReDesigner]

Hi Nic,
Uh, oh. I thought something might have been up with you. Feel free to get in touch. Let me know...

Although H is in self-destruct mode - it's really his trip. I've learned things about him in the past few months that he never told me. As I've heard these bits and pieces of information, it's made sense as I looked at our life as a whole. I began to see how complex it was and that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. He, by contrast, has been running away all his life. In fact, I was where he ran and "hid" for almost half his life. It appears that he never established a strong identity. Now, I just feel sad and sorry for him. I wish I could extend my service and help because he's "family." However, I realise to him, I'm also like the red cape waved before a raging bull! I'm not the right "family" to lend the helping hand.

I've attempted to stop taking his behaviours personally. That's tough. At mass today, the message was a like a thundering shake-up directed at me!! It was about knowing your own values and principles and consciously living them, being a role model for your values. It definitely means being conscious of one's decisions and choosing to align them with your personal principles. I started to sign the occasional e-mails with my H as "Valjean." That's because I read "Les Miserables" shortly after we were married. My H remarked that I reminded him of the character "Jean Valjean." Now that I think of that, I feel honoured and I also think I've strayed away from that strong sense of principles. I got sucked into H's insanity for years.

Yeh, D is having an emotional "holiday." I don't think the environment will support her, though. Her uncle told me that he would never be like his dad - too strict. As a result, he let his kids run wild. That's why his W decided to send the kids to the "evangelical" school - they were afraid they couldn't raise the kids well. They're hardly the paragons of anything because his W attempted to throw him out at least three times. It precipitated a family crisis and everyone swooped in to help him. (Somehow they managed to salvage things and that's more than I can say about us.) From what I've heard, that lot's all icing, but no cake. My D has good radar for hypocrisy, so after some observation time, I'm pretty sure things will look different. Meanwhile, I wait and look forward to a higher power guiding the way for us all. "I feel bad and wish things were different."

Be kind to yourself, too.
TS