You have to decide what is comfortable for you. Put you first now and not him. I thought it was a good comment about this is not a hotel. I think it will confuse the kid's even more if he is coming and going.
Now to me this is what I think I would do if I were in your shoes. You don't have to follow my advice LOL. But I guess if my husband is leaving me then I am thinking this is a LRT. I am also thinking that my husband has this neat little secret all tucked away and is in severe denial. Maybe doesn't even realize that he throwing everything away. For him to come and go, he just feels like he is on top of the world. He can come and go now and see OW all he wants to. He is having a hard time sneaking around now that OW's husband calls and informs about things. You also know his times he leaves. So have been able to compare. So now he wants to cake walk and be out on his own but only when he wants to. Seems to me he is calling all the shots right now. That's where boundaries and showing self respect for yourself come in. So I would....
Tell him We really need to sit down and talk please. Because with you moving out there is things that HAVE to be done. I want to let you know that I am going to inform my work as I am required to do so when you move out. I also think it may be beneficial to tell them that you are having an affair because I am afraid of violence happening because you are messing with someone's husband and riding outside his very door. My children are going to be involved in this and I need to make sure they are protected and that someone knows of the dangers you are putting them by being with the OW right with my little children. They are being thrown into a potential hostile situation.
Now that you have decided to leave your family there has to be boundaries. I am left to try and explain this to the children and try to help them understand things. You can't just come and go as you like. If you are leaving and need your space then do that. But it confuses the kid's to see daddy here one day, then maybe gone for 3 then back one or two. Kid's need stability and learn morals from their parents. This isn't a hotel and I don't want to confuse the kid's more. I am sure you wouldn't want to tell the kid's you had an affair and left us for that expecially since they are so young. So what should we sit down and tell them? To try and help them understand what is going on? Also what should we tell the church and our family? They will notice that we are seperated and may want to know what happened?
I would tell my husband that I loved him and wanted things to work. That I had my boundaries that couldn't be crossed if he wants to work on things with me.That I have more respect for myself then to be a door mat to him any longer. I would ask him to put himself in my shoes and just at least think about if he would do things any different.
LWB,
I guess for me I would be hoping that if my husband made this decision I would want for him to realize the consequences. Not have him cake walk. Have a family one day and it be normal. Then the next he is single guy out on the loose with no worries at all and free to maybe even find someone else. Who would ever want to wake up from that situation. I would also worry my own husband would lose respect for me if I acted like a door mat and didn't stand up for myself.
I am so sorry this is happening. I know it has to be hard. I was wondering about the work and hours and things like that. Because that to happened with my husband and I on opposite schedules. We started growing apart pretty heavy.
edie, How come you are so smart?! Lately, I have been thinking to myself, "What about MY feelings? Who wants ME happy?". I tell H I want him happy in the end, that he needs to do what it takes to be happy, but he never says that to me. The closest thing he has said to me is that he feels I need space from him too, but won't say it. You have given me some good things to say to him. I will be talking to him tonight about it.
sara, house, not hotel. YES. I feel that he got *his* way. Gets to go out on the weekends (without grief from me, even though I never say a word anymore), but still can come and go to see the girls.
neph and morgan, you guys are the best, thanks for the support.
Miss Trying. Once again, WOW.
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He can come and go now and see OW all he wants to
As much as I still worry about this, I don't think its happening. As of a week ago, she stopped taking his calls. They are supposedely working on their marriage, in counseling. Her H put a No Contact rule on her cheating a$$, and will not hesitate to file if she breaks it (she has cheated in the past and this is his last time trying). But I do feel H has been calling the shots since this whole thing happened. Its basically in his hands whether we remain married. But, I can set boundaries and have in the past (I told him no way, never again will the kids be around OW, and he has respected that). I didn't set any other boundaries (to not call OW), because I can't control that one.
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I want to let you know that I am going to inform my work as I am required to do so when you move out
I have already told the security officer at work exactly what is going on. I asked his advice regarding the separation and the kids. He is informed, and waiting for me to fill out the paperwork when we are officially separated. He said one night here and there isn't technically moving out, so we are ok for now.
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I would also worry my own husband would lose respect for me if I acted like a door mat and didn't stand up for myself.
In a way this has already happened, and I am working to get it back. About the 180's, I do so many things that he is surprised at. He never asks me where I go or what I am doing (once claimed he lost that right to ask me those things), but I do stay out, even if its reading a book or walking around the mall. Lately I have been leaving when he is home (even though he says I don't have to), but he needs time with the girls, and they only want me when I'm around.
About the kids, honestly, they haven't noticed a difference. Between our schedules and the girls already used to him going out on the weekends (SIGH), they have been fine. But, they take in more than we realize, and notice lots more. About the tension in our house, surprisingly there isn't any. I am able to DB with no problem, and have been. I have enough time away from H that I can deal with my issues/frustration enough to clear my head and be calm at home. Same with H.
Thank you so much!!!! Our situations sound similar. I want to learn more about yours.
JOURNALING:
Feeling a bit better today. I am supposed to go to a movie with my 2 friends tonight, but am going to give them a free pass if they don't want to sit with me and my funk/cold/cough. However, I still will be doing something by myself if they don't want to join me. Even if its seeing a movie by movie, with the aid of popcorn and candy of course.
Thanks everyone for your support. If I miss someone when I respond, PLEASE call me out.
(((HUGS))) lwb, hope you feel better soon. have a good time tonight, no matter what you end up doing. any particular movie you are going to see?
stay strong, you are doing so well! I know its hard and frustrating, but you are. I personally do think you need to set up some bounderies with H so he isn't cake eating. but that is up to you. you have done so well I'm sure you will do what works for you and your family.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
lwb, have you read Heartbroken's thread? I went back and read her first and second. Her sitch had a lot of similarities to yours. His A was just about over when he moved into his own apt. It was one of her friends with kids at the same school. He was back and forth at the house all the time after he moved out. If you haven't already, you might want to check out how she handled things. She was awesome. You are awesome too! She was a success story, so I always feel they are the best ones to follow.
Have a great day! I hope you feel better soon.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
morgan, thanks so much. I guess I am remaining quiet about boundaries because I don't know what I want at the moment. I don't know how much I can 'take'.
neph, just spent an hour reading up on heartbroken. I could have written those things myself. Well, not everything because her H has chosen her already. Thanks for pointing that out. I really felt for her seeing OW at school. Her OW was blatantly disrespectful. My H's OW either totally avoids me or cries when she sees me (not to me, but runs away and cries).
Just went to Amazon to order High School Musical 2 CD for my daughters (Dear Lord, it'll be permanently in my CD player in my car.....), and added "Not Just Friends" and "Five Love Languages" to my cart too. I am looking forward to reading them. I read "Surviving Infidelity", but it lost my interest in the end, because they were discussing the couples working it out. I just need to learn to copy with MY issues regarding the A.
Just got a call from H, he was outside my office with the girls. I go to meet them at the door and he has them holding a huge birthday cookie cake with candles. They came in, sang happy birthday and we all ate cookie cake in my office lounge. My daughters were very proud of themselves for picking the cookie and singing the song. I made a big birthday wish, I am sure you can guess what it was.
It was very thoughtful of H to do this, and I told him I appreciated it. Even gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. I know it doesn't mean anything other than he is an amazing father and didn't let this opportunity for the kids to have fun pass them by.
That's really wonderful LWB! No, it means he did something nice for you. He's not so involved in his own drama that he can't come up for air and see that you have a birthday and deserve some attention. It's a very good sign.
Just went to Amazon to order High School Musical 2 CD for my daughters (Dear Lord, it'll be permanently in my CD player in my car.....), and added "Not Just Friends" and "Five Love Languages" to my cart too. I am looking forward to reading them. I read "Surviving Infidelity", but it lost my interest in the end, because they were discussing the couples working it out. I just need to learn to copy with MY issues regarding the A.
i felt the same about surviving. go get love must be tough by dobson too. that talks about boundaries
It was very thoughtful of H to do this, and I told him I appreciated it. Even gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. I know it doesn't mean anything other than he is an amazing father and didn't let this opportunity for the kids to have fun pass them by.
i too think this was a nice gesture from him, take it for that.
Once again, WOW.