I Need Help! Please!!! Sorry Really Long...

[imLIN]

If I were you I would quit wondering about OW and just believe she is there and they are having an A...all the signs are there and most likely he is lying because he doesn't want to hurt you...

Believe me if he KNEW he wanted a D he would have filed...money doesn't stop anyone from filing...if you don't have the money you can get a financial waiver and pay nothing...I know...I did that....

He hasn't filed because he isn't sure that is what he wants...he looks at you like he does because he is unhappy inside and probably hates what he is doing...but he is driven...he has to find what he thinks he is looking for...

My H admittedly didn't love me...couldn't show me love...didn't want to mislead me into thinking he loved me...but in time he realized that his "family" needed him...he was a broken man by then and really he needed us...I didn't turn my back on him even though he couldn't tell me he had made the biggest mistake in his life...he could only tell me how sorry he was when he was drunk...eventually he had to admit that he was now an alcoholic...probably had been for a long time but being a family man kept it in check...now he was out of control...it was hard...I stopped covering for him and just called 9-1-1 to have him taken to the hospital...he knew I loved him...he "wanted" love me...things were rough for a long time but I kept doing what I could to keep me focused...to be patient...to allow time...it was over a year after he returned that he took my face in his hands after reading a few Bible texts on love...and he said that he could now say "I love you" and mean it...I cried of course...but this time tears of joy and relief...I knew I had won him back....

I don't think your finding yourself was exluding H...he went to work...you created a work you liked at home...it is more just a matter of timing for him...MLC...it is real...it is confusing...but it isn't the end...time is on your side...the longer he goes without filing the more likely he isn't going to do it...and even if he does...it isn't the end...

You do have positives...he invited you to SIL...and to BIL for a BBQ...my H wouldn't have done that...so just remember...no matter how he looks at you...now matter what he says or does...no matter if their is the OW and an A going on...this doesn't mean the end...give it time...

And...don't ever expect the light bulb moment of "OH MY GOD...what did I do to you and the kids? I am so sorry!"...most likley his pride (most men have an overload) he will just want to come back quietly and pretend that all if fine...this is where it gets hard...you have to let things go...until the foundation is rebuilt...then time will allow for you to talk about and resolve the issues...but that is yet to come...for now...keep feeding the birds...planting the flowers...watering the yard...enjoying your girls...and living life...one that he can come back to...but one that allows you to be happy either way...

Take care....Lin

[theotherhalf]

Yes you are right!

I know that my H will not do the light bulb moment. He is too proud to admit that he screwed up. I figure that if and/or when he comes home it will be a slow return. I know that and I am trying to let things go for now. I also know that in time the things that have happened will have to be resolved and I know that we will be able to do that "after" the foundation is restored.

I pray that that is what these invites are showing. That he is starting to return (snail Pace). And that is okay that he takes all the time he needs. I need time myself right now too. Time to get over the hurt. Time to sort through my own thoughts.

I really don't want H to come home right now anyway. He has too many issues in his head he needs to work through first. H is still too angry and I still think he blames me some. Still acting too much like a teenager yet too.

I really believe time will heal all this. What I worry about is time helping H to forget. That is why I am determined to some how keep the connection there. The rest is up to H and God.

What keeps me believing is H not filing, catching him looking at me when he I'm not looking, the invites, the visits to do farm work (could be done when I'm not here), consenting to sex (even though he says it means nothing), the anger when I'm out and he doesn't know where I am, etc...

Then again, maybe all false hopes...

Time will tell...

Thanks LIN

P.S. LN
Did you ever question to yourself whether H was in MLC or is it just the afair that threw him over the edge. I have read on other websites about A's and the H will act out in the same way some what. Sometimes I wonder if it's the A doing this all. I'd like to believe that H is in MLC and the A is a symptom and didn't start till after the bomb. But sometimes I wonder.

[theotherhalf]

Really could use some encouragement today. Any help out there?

Wondering what the stats are for those really, really, manly, proud H's in MLC. The ones that claim,"you know me, when I make up my mind to something that's it". Do these H's typically come out of this MLC okay, and return to their wives/

Also, how do you know if they are coming out of the "fog"?

And if they claim all along that they don't want you, they are done, they only want D and to move on. Why don't they file???? Is it because they really don't know what they want or can it be just to complicated for them?

[imLIN]

TOH...
There really is not pat answer...but yes, even the proud ones that claim they know what they want and have made up their minds come out of it...and yes, they can decide to come home...
Even if they are claiming they are done, want a D and want to move on...well that doesn't mean anything either...you don't believe what they say...and only half of what they do...

I am having a rough day too...found some "old" emails from OW to H...I know I shouldn't have looked but I did...as I was by his side in the hospital less then a year ago he was still writing to her...and professing his "always love"...

To be fair, I didn't find anything after November, she has another man and is living with him, he siad he was happy for her, blah blah blah...and he wasn't professing to love me then either...but it still leaves me with some doubts...and the desire to talk with him...so far I am sitting on this...but for how long I don't know...he assured me even then he had not heard from her or contacted her...yet it appears it was him to make contact...and even asked if they could talk by phone so he could hear her voice...thank God she said email was okay but phone wasn't a good idea...sat and had myself a good cry becuase once again...I believed him...and I was a fool...

Do I still think this is going to work?...Yes...like I said that was before he could say he loved me...and I haven't seen anything since...that is the positive for me and I need to keep focused on that....

sorry for the side track...just sharing the struggle...

[theotherhalf]

No LIN, I am glad you shared. Anytime. Although I cannot offer any advice I can though share in your hurt.

The H's lie so well in all of this. That is one thing that I don't know how we'll get past if H ever comes back. I believed him over and over in the very beginning. He has stared me dead straight in the eyes over and over and over again saying that he is not seeing OW. Well I don't believe him. Way too many clues or evidence to say yes he is.

I also know my H and to admit to this A would be to be less than the man he has always tried to portray.

I often wonder if I worded the question differently if I might get a different answer.

Hang in there LIN you truly are in a good place now. Be strong and you will get through.

[LL44]

know that my H will not do the light bulb moment. He is too proud to admit that he screwed up. I figure that if and/or when he comes home it will be a slow return

This will be totally be my situation if H returns. There will be no proclaimation, so declaration, no 'ation' at all. I fear he will just slide back into our marriage without trying to fix anything.

Just wanted to say hi to you, I just read your threads. Sorry about the pain, but glad you are here.

And if they claim all along that they don't want you, they are done, they only want D and to move on. Why don't they file????

Because they aren't really done. They are so very confused. So lost. They don't know what they want. But, if we push them the wrong way, I could at least guarantee my H would let pride get in the way (and his avoidance of problems) and would move further away from me.

[theotherhalf]

I could at least guarantee my H would let pride get in the way (and his avoidance of problems) and would move further away from me.

This is what I am mostly afraid of in my sitch. That and that R with OW will continue and become a new life for my H.

[theotherhalf]

My H made a comment to me the other night when I was at his house. I know that we are not supposed to listen, dwell, or analyze what the MLC'r says but... This has really made me wonder what he was thinking at the time.

We were watching TV and I told H that I was really quite horny (totally out of character of me to say something like that, but was) and sitting here looking at him without his shirt was not helping. So are you going to go to sleep or can we work on my problem (something like that). H says, don't know. Guess you'll have to wait and see. I said yea the longer we wait you'll fall asleep. He says I guess that's the chance you got to take.

Okay, my thoughts on this. Was he really just toying with me? Was he acknoledging the fact that he knows I am "waiting" for him?

I guess it really doesn't matter, just was curious.

[imLIN]

He was probably trying to figure out if he should take the bait or not...which is why he probably keeps reminding you that it means nothing...which btw...my C said men don't really have sex with their wife if it means nothing to them...and when my H left he wouldn't touch me with a 10 ft pole anymore...so I guess that is when it really did mean nothing...when he wanted NONE!

[theotherhalf]

Yes, I believe it does mean "something", I just don't know "what".

Time will tell...