new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

Nugget, Sandi and Ewe..

thanks for your welcome. I was on a different board than the one you mentioned but it was good. It was hard due to my S being on the same board. He did say that he would take a break from it so I could use and that he woudl not read but as they push on that board 'believe none of what they say and half of they do'. The principals of that board are much the smae it seems as they are here. This is causing me a problem in terms of HE KNOWS ALL THE PRINCIPALS. This is harmful and yet helpful as he knows what I am going through and that it is all part of the process. Im talking in terms of the calling, the texting, the panic, the pursuing.

I do want to tell another thing to you.

I was and am involved in an EA. When I say that there is someone...a man that is almost 10 years older who has sort of been my support for the last almost year. My H was very suspicious of him and I can understand why now but I have to honestly say that when I was first considering leaving he was saying things like...you need to stop and really think about what you are leaving. Consider the things you first fell in love with. Think about your children. This may be a big mistake...and so on. Just the way it worked out. the person he was so suspicious of was on hs side the whole time.

what I found out today from my sister ....she was watching our children this week and he came to pick them up....I guess she staight out asked him if we were going to reconcile. He told her how could I ( as in me, not him ) even be thinking about that when I am still hanging out with Greg. He told her that he was my EA (and used that term) the one thing that could have led to our M falling apart. I will stop the friendship if it would mean we could start working on us again. Is that what I SHOULD do?

I should say I also still bartend on Saturday and SUnday nights. I really dont want to do it anymore. That is something he and I never had in our relationship. We never had that time together as either I was always or we were always bartending. I really want to have that time with him. Because we did not have that time we also did not have alot of friends. He has since made alot of friends and is at weekend barbecues with them all the time. NOw i HAVE to bartend because I need the money.

I have been working on me. Hard. I have done alot of self exploration and discovered alot of things about myself. I used to snap and get angry..something I have been working on for the last 5 months. i dont really do it anymore and I think of the effects things I am going to say are going to have on people before I say them.

Another thing (SIGH..sorry) Found out form Daughter today that his female friend is about to loseher father. Husband went through this with his mother when he was 18 so he understands. I am afraid of how supportive he is going to be and the connection they are goin gto have because of this.

I try to believe him when they say they are friends but as mentioned above I do believe she has ulterior motives. He is a catch. Good looking, kind, he would give anyone the shirt off his back.

I hate this feeling. By the way though...I do focus mostly on myself and what I need to do. Anyone who is in this poistion already knows that you cant help it though. When I lie alone in bed at night....I think of him. He has told me taht he does not think of me....and then says he has not closed the door. I dont get it....and I dont know what to do with it.

I really do hurt. But I know that it will hurt a little less tomorrow though...and so I look forward to tomorrow...but I still enjoy today.