new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

Hello....
I guess I will start by saying that I am the WAW here. I walked away from a wonderful man and a beautiful house..(built just over a year ago) I have two children, 2 and 4. My situation is prob very different from most here.
I have known myu husband for about 16 years and was dating and married to him for the last 7. I was very dependent on him and his personality was one of a caretaker. I do have some health issues that I have only just started dealing with in the last 4 months (and when I say dealing with I mean, emotionally in terms of acceptance)
I am 34 and only just got my lisence a little over a year ago. I have always been dependent on him for everything. We went EVERYWHERE together and even worked nights at the same bar (both also have full time day jobs) Guess my point is that we were attached at the hip. He is an extremely loving man who was devoted to me and would have done anything for me.

I got my lisence just over a year ago and thats when it all started to fall apart. I got a taste of independence that i have never had before and then I wanted more.

I started to pull away a bit and do things on my own. When I started to do this my H started to pull harder to be with me. He would call me all day long, text, I started to really feel smothered. I felt frustrated and angry and like I needed to get away. I analyzed things and realized taht I did not appreciate anything I had (excpet of course my children) I took all I had in my world for granted and was aware of it.

I told my H that I did not know what exactly was wrong with me and that I felt I was not 'in love' anymore. I can only imagine now how hurtful that was for him. I think that I truly was just confused. He started to read all kinds of self help books and requested that I go to counsellng, which I refused. Guess where I am now EVERY thursday? Yep but on my own.

I moved out of the house and into an apartment down the street. I needed to know that I could be alone. I have never lived by myself...I have never had to wake myself up. SOmeone always did it for me from parents to siblings to roommates to husband.

I should inserthere that H visits another site (sure you all know it) and so from January until now he has made some major changes. He has lost over 100 lbs (and looks great!) has stop being a pursuer and recognizes he has issues and has dealt with them through C and the posting board and self reflection.

Our home sold 3 weeks ago (as he could not afford to keep it without my salary to help) and he has now bought a smaller house for himself.

I did alot of reflecting as I said and am in counselling and realized what I had was exactly what I wanted. I thought long and hard and now have an appreciation for what I left. I have learned alot about gratitude and wanting what you have and working on it. I have been out for almost 6 months myself now.

I did tell him that I was soooo sorry for the pain I put him through but that I really wanted to work on things. He told me that I am not ready and that I have alot of things I need to work through. He then directed me to the Board he had used. It was of great use to me though some problems have arisen as he was a member there first so my story was already known...granted from his point of view.

I want to point out taht he tried for a very long time to make us work. He did everything right..he stopped pursuing, he distanced, he detached.

Problem is now I REALLY want us to work toward reconcilliation and now I am being told that he is not in love and that he still has work to do on himself before he can even entertain the thought. I have gotten the 'things take time' and he has not closed the door....he does not know nor pretend to know what the future holds but he is not going back to a R where he spends all his time trying to amke me happy.

I dont wnat our old relationship back either. I want us to build something new with all the things we have learned about ourselves respectively.

I am working on detaching myself now. I should also point out that we have not talked of divorce and noone has a lawyer.

We have never fought and have talked about a friendship but he seems unable to trust me even there.

I will point out that there is a female that he is 'friends' with and took on a week long vacation with him to myrtle beach in august. He says there is nothing there other than she being a really good friend for him to talk to but I am very uncomfortable with their friendship. They seem to be together alot. My children hang out at her place with her kids and he on a weekly basis.

I have gotten alot of great advice fromt he other board and I guess I was wondering if this place has all the same philosophies as there or if I could be doing something different. It is also hard to post there as h eis capable of reading what is going on as he ist still a member. Any input from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

Ihave never in my life wanted anything more than myh marriage (excpet of course my kids

[ewe]

WOW, Lost, what a story. I really am sorry for you, welcome, you have come to the right place. You will get a lot of support and advice, there are quite a few experienced and wise DBers here, who have been through a lot. If you are talking about the marriagebuilders.com site, you are right there is some difference between that site and this one. In my opinion both give very useful info, but I think DB is more practical, goal oriented and it also focuses more on the work that can be done by one spouse when the other is not committed to saving the M.

I think besides getting valuable advices, your presence will also be appreciated given your perspective on things from the WAW point of view.

First and foremost, get the Divorce Remedy book and read it several times. Also start asking specific questions so that we can give you specific answers and start formulating some goals for yourself. You have to start working on yourself, to find out what things are there that you need to change about yourself so that you can be a better person for yourself and for your H as well. There are a few other WASs on this BB, you might be interested in reading through their posts too. (I will try to look up their threads for you). One of the best things that helped me and still does is to read the stories here, and I have been digging through the archives back until '99, because there are very valuable writings and advices in almost each thread. You will learn a lot by reading them. Still your most important guide should be the DB/DR book.

Hope I could help you, I am sorry you did not have any feedback until now, the weekends are quieter here, but it will get busier during the weekdays.

Again, we welcome you here, and know that you are not alone.

[sandi2]

Hi LBL,

I'm Sandi2 and glad you found us to talk to. How much a part do you feel that your health issues play in your decision to walk away? Is it the health problems that caused you to be so dependent on your H?

You aren't the first person that discovered what they lost was truly what they wanted all the time. It takes something major to wake us up and get our eyes open. Also, it sounds like he has done a major over-haul on his looks. Loosing a hundred pounds is not an easy thing! He had to have looked good to you after that!

Don't give up. He is probably getting looks from women that hasn't paid much attention to him in a very long time and it is feeding his ego. So, try to be patience. I agree with you about the "friend" though. He may really see her as being only a friend, but we women know how the female mind works and she is just laying the ground work.

[Nugget]

You will get some great input from the members here.

What you and your H are going through is nothing that several members here them selves have not been through also. You have been taken care of all you life and have always felt dependent on others. In a way you never felt like you have grown up and been able to experience life for yourself. You have always felt taken care of and protected, not been able to experience life on your own. Now you have been doing this for a bit and have discovered that maybe it is not all it is cracked up to be and that you want to be back with your H, but not smothered, not trapped, not as his child, but as his spouse, as an equal.

He on the other had feels betrayed and does not fully understand why you left him. He thought he was doing everything right by protecting you, taking care of your every need, being the provider. So, when you left he was hurt. And since then he has been on his own road of discover and he is trying to still figure out where he wants to be in terms of the R. You need to focus on yourself and take care of you first and foremost. Remember how you felt about his actions and his comments when you left him? Do not repeat the same mistakes to him that he committed to you. Remember how they made you feel and how the pushed you away?

[littlebitlost]

Nugget, Sandi and Ewe..

thanks for your welcome. I was on a different board than the one you mentioned but it was good. It was hard due to my S being on the same board. He did say that he would take a break from it so I could use and that he woudl not read but as they push on that board 'believe none of what they say and half of they do'. The principals of that board are much the smae it seems as they are here. This is causing me a problem in terms of HE KNOWS ALL THE PRINCIPALS. This is harmful and yet helpful as he knows what I am going through and that it is all part of the process. Im talking in terms of the calling, the texting, the panic, the pursuing.

I do want to tell another thing to you.

I was and am involved in an EA. When I say that there is someone...a man that is almost 10 years older who has sort of been my support for the last almost year. My H was very suspicious of him and I can understand why now but I have to honestly say that when I was first considering leaving he was saying things like...you need to stop and really think about what you are leaving. Consider the things you first fell in love with. Think about your children. This may be a big mistake...and so on. Just the way it worked out. the person he was so suspicious of was on hs side the whole time.

what I found out today from my sister ....she was watching our children this week and he came to pick them up....I guess she staight out asked him if we were going to reconcile. He told her how could I ( as in me, not him ) even be thinking about that when I am still hanging out with Greg. He told her that he was my EA (and used that term) the one thing that could have led to our M falling apart. I will stop the friendship if it would mean we could start working on us again. Is that what I SHOULD do?

I should say I also still bartend on Saturday and SUnday nights. I really dont want to do it anymore. That is something he and I never had in our relationship. We never had that time together as either I was always or we were always bartending. I really want to have that time with him. Because we did not have that time we also did not have alot of friends. He has since made alot of friends and is at weekend barbecues with them all the time. NOw i HAVE to bartend because I need the money.

I have been working on me. Hard. I have done alot of self exploration and discovered alot of things about myself. I used to snap and get angry..something I have been working on for the last 5 months. i dont really do it anymore and I think of the effects things I am going to say are going to have on people before I say them.

Another thing (SIGH..sorry) Found out form Daughter today that his female friend is about to loseher father. Husband went through this with his mother when he was 18 so he understands. I am afraid of how supportive he is going to be and the connection they are goin gto have because of this.

I try to believe him when they say they are friends but as mentioned above I do believe she has ulterior motives. He is a catch. Good looking, kind, he would give anyone the shirt off his back.

I hate this feeling. By the way though...I do focus mostly on myself and what I need to do. Anyone who is in this poistion already knows that you cant help it though. When I lie alone in bed at night....I think of him. He has told me taht he does not think of me....and then says he has not closed the door. I dont get it....and I dont know what to do with it.

I really do hurt. But I know that it will hurt a little less tomorrow though...and so I look forward to tomorrow...but I still enjoy today.

[Gone Dancin']

lost,

My H was very suspicious of him and I can understand why now but I have to honestly say that when I was first considering leaving he was saying things like...you need to stop and really think about what you are leaving. Consider the things you first fell in love with. Think about your children. This may be a big mistake...and so on. Just the way it worked out. the person he was so suspicious of was on hs side the whole time.

I will just say that you may or may not be right about your EA -- he probably knows he would look like a slimeball if he didn't try to play the "good cop" role and attempt to get you to reconcile with your H. Then again, maybe he really was on your H's side. Regardless, the bottom line is that EA's are devastating simply by their very nature of emotional connection (which is much stronger than the physical, and as a result much more painful for the spouse witnessing it). It doesn't matter what the intentions of either party are -- the fact that you are relating/communicating to another person of the opposite sex in ways that should be reserved for your spouse is a huge breach of spousal etiquette and of trust. You ask if you should stop this "friendship" in order to save your M. Personally, I think the answer is obvious -- don't you?

If you really want your H back and to have a healthy M, you have to end this friendship for good and take the risk that your H might not come back anyway. It is a large gamble, but it is an absolute necessity if you want any chance to reconcile -- your H has obviously said as much.

I'm sorry that you're here and that you're hurting so much, but I admire that you are willing to give up your pride and be humble enough to admit to H that you want to come back and work it out. I don't think my W will ever be willing to do the same. Stay strong and true to yourself, your H, and your M. Things will work out for the best in the end, and no matter what you will be a stronger, better person.

Take care,

GD

[christarn]

Hi LBL...I am to a WAW who has an H, that isn't quite sure what he wants now...I understand your pain and fear...try to step back and take care of you. You can do this. You will find lots of great support and lots of great people here ready to help. Deffinetly read the books...there a great starting point...if you can you might want to set up an appointment with a DB coach..the one I talk to has helped me over come some of my own obstacles along with helping me thru my sitch. Hope you find the support you need christa

[Nugget]

How do you feel about your H having an OW that he is leaning on? I would guess he feels the same way about you and your OM. As it has already been mentioned for the sake of the R you need to end it. By continuing it you are only dis-respect your H and your R and proving to your H that you are not really serious about trying to rebuild the R.

[Forrest Gump]

I have a question for the WAW. You had a husband that gave you everything you wanted. It by your admission was not "enough". Looking back on you leaving. What gave you your resolve? What in your mind made you say "I am done"? "I don't know" will not do it for me. I ask this question for personal reasons but also to try and delve into the WAW mindset. From my perception, as skewed as it may be, I feel like I am missing someting. I am reading into it that the EA was part of why you left.

This situation is kinda like what I am walking through myself. How does the seperation solve anything? What makes you "find yourself" in this situation? Your LBS GAL and now you want to reconcile. Now you are the LBS. To take something I have heard a lot of "Your timing is all off."

I once told my wife that I could have been the best Husband ever and we would still be right here. She took offence to it. Fair enough. Look at what was just posted. I gotta go out on a limb and say "This is the best post ever!" For all you LBS out the guess what.... You don't have to be a distant, angry, S for someone to "walk out". For some reason you HAVE to go through this.

LittleBitLost.... To you I say thanks. I needed this post like you don't know.

I will go a little bit different than most posters here and say You gotta show him you want him and no one else. He stood in front of you and said "I need you". He was showing you the way. He wanted you to make him feel special. You did not. Now you are fighting the GAL. Maybe you are fighting the OW. This is a really hard thing for me to give you advise on because your guy is a Caretaker and I am Physical. Is the friend "needy?" Post some more I gotta spin (Think About) this a little bit.

Oh yea and what Gone Dancin said.

[littlebitlost]

Thanks you guys. I guess I would ask why if he feels what i did or am doing is wrong why is he doing the same thing? Is it payback?

OK forrest.....

What I haven't said is this. The way I was was ridiculous. I did not even know how to set our alarm clock. He did EVERYTHING for me. If we fought or argued or I got mad, he would just lie down and take it. I had alot of anger (mu own issues which I am now dealing with in counselling) and I took it out on him. I told him on numerous occassions that I wished he would stand up to me and say 'you are acting like a b*tch' I would have respected him for that. I felt guilty often because I would get angry and he jsut took it. I think that alot of what has changed now is that he does not take it. He does stand up to me. I find that wonderful and I am so proud of him and have a huge amo0unt of respect for him.

what makes me soooo sad is that we are both doing so much work on ourselves (individually that we should have done together) that it blows my mind to think what a healthy relationship we could have together...how good it coudl be. I know he went through all that I am now. I have as much been told by the posters on the other board that know us both. I don't know when he gave up but I would do anything to fix this.

When I left I needed to know that I was OK with me. I felt like I had no identity and that I could not take care of myself. What we have each learned about ourselves is unbelievable. I do know that he told my mother that he would never let htis happen to him again. That he could not live through it again. I dont even know if I can stress. He worshipped me. If you asked anyone who knew us they would say this.

The one day we were talking in the garage and he said..'do you know what people used to say about us?' I did. We were the perfect couple, the couple that would never split. Look at what I've done. I am so scared that I have made a mistake I will regret for the rest of my life.

He has said that he will go to counselling in the future but not now. I have the same C he had, by the way.

I should also say that this female friend of his. He told me he started hangin gout with her at the end of June. I will admit here that I snooped and heard a message from her saying (he was going to the states for a concert) that she missed him already and that she loved him. She did say she loved his best friend too but then added 'and I had a great time last nite' I felt like someone punched me in the stomache.

I guess when I left I felt that I would go and sort my [censored] out and then we would be OK. We would get back together. I think that hearing that message really hit me that what I had done might cause the end of 'us'. Iwent into panic mode. I never thought he would fall for someone else and now that I had heard that I was terrified.

To this day he does not know that I snooped (did not like what i heard and it really hurt) I don't snoop anymore needless to say.

Well what do you think?