Now I've done it... again

[nephartiti]

I'm working on the apartmtent today. I'm trying not to think about H. I have to accept that he's trying to start a new life with this other person. It may not last, but this is where he is right now. In his eyes, we are ancient history. He has no intention of even considering coming back. I woke up feeling this so strongly today, that he's not coming back. I don't feel panicky about it anymore (not at the moment anyway). I just feel sad that things turned out this way.

I'm still trying to find a place for all this stuff that was in storage. I have a big box that's just going out the door.

H is going to be so mad because it rained here and some of the boxes got wet. I thought I had put all his stuff in the storage room, but there were a few more of his book boxes buried under my boxes. One box of books is totally ruined. I know I'm going to get the "you don't respect my things" lecture, but it really was unintentional. I pulled all his stuff inside, a dozen very heavy book boxes. By the time I was done, it was dark and pouring. I left my stuff out because I was exhausted from taking care of his. I had called him that day, which he ignored. He said he's giving away his books anyway, and he didn't care enough about them to come help take them out of storage. I still feel bad.

I also found all of these little love notes and hand made gifts he had packed away. So many reminders of when we were "in love." I wonder if he will just toss these things. I found a little notebook with poetry from his first girlfriend. Poems written by both of them. Many were sexual. Strange, I don't feel like I knew the side of him that was expressed there either. He didn't write about love there, it was all physical, obsessive. With us, it was always so loving and tender (til the end of course).

That was one of the big indicators something was wrong. He used to call me Love, Dear, Hon, never by my name. All of a sudden he was calling me by my name. Then he just stopped addressing me at all. One day he said to me, "you never call me Mr. R, do you." NO, why would I do that? Duh, they address each other by last name. I guess he gets off on that. barf

I can't stop looking at this pic of right before we got married. He is just glowing. I haven't seen him like this in a long time. The good news is, I don't see him like this now. I believe that if he was really in love and on some high, it would be obvious. I think back. He would be taking care of himself. He always looks unkept. Last time I say him, he was wearing sweats and a T-shirt and thongs. My H never went out like that. He was always clean and neat, worried about his appearance. Those are sleeping clothes. His hair was combed but dirty. Loved people take care of themselves. He would be keeping the van clean and neat for her to ride in. It's full of trash in the front seat-candy wrappers, napkins, pringles containers, etc. We kept a little trash can in there. It is overflowing onto the floor. He's not exactly bouncing off clouds.

Maybe if I didn't exist, he didn't miss his kids, and money wasn't an issue, he would be walking on air.

I'm talking too much and not making any sense. The point is, I'm still holding on. I'm still hoping there is a chance. I look at this pic, and I know he was truly happy. It was real. It was right. He was able to take me to his family, and his family loved me (I was the first girl they accepted, let alone liked). How can he ever take her home?

Ok, I said I was going to shut up and I meant it. Just in one of those moods today. Gonna get busy and finish working on the house.

Have a great day everyone.