Phoenix Rising? Maybe.

[cpolk]

Dis/DaveJ,
I tell ya, its a real pickle. God I want to, but I want it to mean something. Of course maybe it does she's just talking through some of those defenses that I bet are still there. Like I say to a few trusted folks back here; my W and I haven't been fixing us successfully very long.

I'm nervous about saying yes; I'm worried about her feeling rejected if I say no, I'd rather wait. I also don't want to spend a lot of time mulling it over and ruin it for both of us.

[DaveJ]

cpolk, that is a difficult situation. Then again, maybe just having intimate physical contact can do some good? It may create some bonding or connection even if she says it doesn't? Your call though since you know your W better than any of us. Lots of relationship books say that if the R is going bad, having a lot of physical intimacy can help. TIFWIW.

[Concerned_Listener]

CPolk,
I vote for saying yes to the invitation for sex. I think it will likely have a greater chance of increasing connection, and being something to build upon.

I know it's less than what you want, but unless you think you and your W can have a R talk about this, I would enjoy the moment, and see where it leads.

If the issue is that you're not ready to have sex with your W, than she needs to respect that. If the issue is the quality of sex, than I think you should use it as something to build upon.

CL

[cpolk]

DaveJ/C_L,
The issue is certainly not whether I'm ready or not; I'm ready to hump just about anything that walks by. I've told a couple confidants here that in my mind when my W and I 'reunited' it would be when I felt more confident about where she stood with our future. Of course all that could be masked by some of her emotional foggyness and defenses that are still there to some extent.

You know I'm kind of chuckling a little right now; what an interesting thing to be questioning! Compared to some of the Sh!t we've worked through already. Kind of a nice problem to have.

[Disillussioned]

DaveJ/C_L,
The issue is certainly not whether I'm ready or not; I'm ready to hump just about anything that walks by.

I can definitely relate to that feeling.

I agree with the previous comments about the intimacy helping to restore R, so in that respect I would say go for it. What I would be concerned about is getting to that point and having her reaction be something like 'okay, lets get this over with'. If that were the case, I'd probably back down and suggest that it can wait and settle for some cuddling.

However, if it gets to that point with sparks flying and heavy passion, then by all means enjoy!!

[DaveJ]

Also, if you can get your W to laugh, introduce a little fun, that can't be bad either...

[cpolk]

All,
Thanks. I think I'll just play in be ear. I'll lay in wait for her to initiate. Whenever it happens just go with what feels right. I'm finding that I spend to much time thinking about what if...this is just so important to me.

[DaveJ]

cpolk, what ifs will absolute drive you insane. I spent 3 weeks doing whatifs and it made me a mess. This is the first week I finally learned to gain some control of that and I feel SO much better. A lot less anxieties to say the least. And for the fist time I don't feel like I'm taking steps forward and then steps back. Whatever happens happens. You have no control over anything except yourself (which I have to constantly remind myself). Here's the positive way to look at it. At least you are about to get some unlike some of us here. :P

[cpolk]

Sorry D-J...that last post made me laugh.

Apprehension is a b!tch though, right. And I so hope its getting ready to happen. I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting for her to say it (that she wants to). It certainly was easier to wait for it when I didn't think I had a chance for getting it.

[cpolk]

To all,
Just an update. Last evening it came to the point that I had to know what was up. The apprehension was visible to my W and she kept asking why I was being weird.

When we got home we sat and I told her that I loved her, I wanted her, but I wanted sex between us to mean something. I furthered with I'm not the only one working here (meaning her) and that if she wanted to we still could but from my perspective, she hasn't initiated touch much, not much kissing to speak of so I'm not sure how she could bring herself to let me 'put in' so to speak. Some of the most personal touching of all.

Then in came out, she said she was feeling some 'wifely obligation'. I was infuriated. All this work trying to turn things around and we're standing here at wifely obligation. I was so disappointed in her after she said that. Then I screwed up a little by commenting about how she didn't feel obligated during her PA when it came to sex. Sometimes my feeling about that get the better of me.

On a lighter note after that I did tell her that I could tell she had been more reseptive and happier. She said she was working with her IC on dealing with her thoughts on our past so we could press on; and having some success with it. We happened upon the fact that we both think that each other are holding all the cards as far as R stuff goes. This is one of the MC topics; she's not ready for that yet though.

Suprisingly enough she took the LL quiz. She is a 12 in Personal Service with an 8 in Quality Time. Didn't expect the Quality Time. Though I suppose that makes sense given the way she is engaging during conversations over the last couple weeks.

Over all I'd still say it was a good day; we we're happy with each other when we went to bed.

I'm going to have to work through the rest of my disappointment with the 'wifely obligation' crap today. I told her this morning that I'm over most of it but there is still some residual disappointment there.