Now I've done it... again

[mkultra]

I think it sounds good. There is risk in everything and those thoughts went through my head but all the sites say the same thing, that when the LBS lets go and the WS has to use the OP for all emotional needs it weekens the affair. It is a difficult thing to see the WS get 100% emotional needs met but it also strengtehns your detachment.

Since we are playing the speculation game (lol) I vote for #1. This is also the same for us. My H is also homeless as you know and probably is wearing out his welcome and also wants to fill his down time with kids but he must abide by my schedule. I also know my H spends time at OP place at night and OP work in day when he is not withkids. He admitted it like so what? Crazy like 17 years olds!!! Um, married folks with kids do not do this. I barely have time for two jobs, two kids, two classes to even see a movie, but I will always have time for you and this community!!! My saving grace!

So what do they do to fill their time now that they no longer mow lawns, watch Saturday morning cartoons, or take a walk with the stroller if their OP are not available and none of their friends will see them? Well, my H goes to the book store, runs, naps in his car, sees a movie, walk around outlet stores, sits in coffe shops. Because he is in affair, not a real R he has to live half of a life avoiding all of those who were in his real life. And I guess I am to blame for him losing everything? Yeah right.

I wish you could talk to him without resentment. He is still so hurt by his conviction. How did he keep his job after that happened? Do they know about his arrest? Is he at a year round school?

[nephartiti]

We are talking about LAUSD here. Yes year round. I was told by the AP (when I got busted looking at the year book which resulted in interrogation) that they are adults and can do whatever they want. I mentioned the arrest, but the charges were dropped.

Actually something interesting just happened. When I confirmed that H had a new cell phone and he was not taking responsibility for old phone on fam plan as requested, I took the number back. One of his co-workers just left him a v-mail looking for chaperones for a field trip. No big deal, but she mentioned, "I know you are volunteering at the elementary school" What!?! He is volunteering with kids, but he doesn't see his own? I have not confirmed this, but when I spoke to OW's supposed BF, he said he was like a step-father to his kid. Is my H investing quality time with her child while abandoning his? I can't wrap my head around this one. Can you?

I will say that, in the beginning, he dried really hard with S9, but it didn't last very long. He does not have a whole lot of patience in this area, which is the reason he teaches high school. Good grief. He has treated s9 like dirt for so long and now he's volunteering at an elementery school! Not even getting paid, right? Volunteer = no pay?


Geeeeeez, I'm fuming! What a punk! Lord help me not to track him down and smack him silly.

[nephartiti]

About OP having to meet WAS needs. I look back at all our tough times and I think surviving them made us stronger. Why is this different in an affair?

[nephartiti]

ok, I know I'm driving everyone crazy by now. Should I ask him about the elementary school thing? NO, probably not. He would see it as an invasion of privacy and none of my business. It won't improve our situation at all.

oh, boy. Co-worker just called again. I answered to give her his new number. ok, I confess. I asked about the elementary school thing. Didn't give any info. Said he just mentioned it in passing. I said, he's on vacation. Yeah, I guess, I don't see him that much. Uh huh. ok.

I've read different things. DB says don't tell anyone what's going on. Other sources say, put pressure any way you can. Create a crisis for the lovers. Society doesn't like adulterers and this puts stress on the A, but would also make me look bad if I go flaunting the A everywhere right? Wouldn't it build his resentment towards me (if that's even possible)? Also, I have heard that this makes them feel more like a "forbidden love" like Romeo and Juliette and makes it more exciting.

I'd appreciate any feedback in this area.

[mkultra]

I say hold it in to most people. Tell people who are promarriage and have the power to put pressure on the affair. Who could those people be? It is an addiction like alcoholism and most addicts do not listen to anyone but other addicts.

If you do tell people make sure they know you want to be supportive of your H's return not of his affair.

In my experience the only people who really understand are people who have been through something like this so telling outsiders is fruitless. It feels good at the time to share but then it gets mired. It feels like TMI!

I did tell a coworker I trusted then regretted it because she just said, "I am so lucky my H never did stuff like that."

I told someone in my Mom's Group who is a Scout Leader and now her D does not play at our house because of my perverted H.

So, try to not say anything unless it is someone you really trust.

[SallyM]

I agree, be selective about who you tell. I think support can be very good, but also telling too many people can make things harder.

mk, so sorry about the other mom not allowing her D to play at your house. that is so sad...your H has done nothing, as far as I can see, that would warrant that. have I missed something? yes, he's scum, but not that kind of scum, is he?

[LL44]

Besides a male friend at work (whose W cheated last year and they are trying to fix things), I have regretted telling the few people I told. I haven't told anyone since.

Sometimes I want to shout it from the rooftops because 1) H would squirm and 2) I might get some support, but after its out, there is no taking it back.

What morgan and mk said about her H and the mom not letting the kids play, I have often fantasized about telling other moms about OW saying "Watch your husbands, ladies".

mk, that's just so wrong.

[nephartiti]

Plus, if/when our H's do come back, we have all these people we have to explain things to.

I live where I work. People notice he isn't here. I am constantly asked, and I really don't know what to say sometimes. I just say he is no longer here. Some people push for more details. It's just uncomfortable and a constant reminder that my life is upside down.

MK, your H isn't even there. That mom isn't even thinking straight. It's horrible how the kids are drawn into this mess. Like it isn't hard enough on them already.

[nephartiti]

I'm working on the apartmtent today. I'm trying not to think about H. I have to accept that he's trying to start a new life with this other person. It may not last, but this is where he is right now. In his eyes, we are ancient history. He has no intention of even considering coming back. I woke up feeling this so strongly today, that he's not coming back. I don't feel panicky about it anymore (not at the moment anyway). I just feel sad that things turned out this way.

I'm still trying to find a place for all this stuff that was in storage. I have a big box that's just going out the door.

H is going to be so mad because it rained here and some of the boxes got wet. I thought I had put all his stuff in the storage room, but there were a few more of his book boxes buried under my boxes. One box of books is totally ruined. I know I'm going to get the "you don't respect my things" lecture, but it really was unintentional. I pulled all his stuff inside, a dozen very heavy book boxes. By the time I was done, it was dark and pouring. I left my stuff out because I was exhausted from taking care of his. I had called him that day, which he ignored. He said he's giving away his books anyway, and he didn't care enough about them to come help take them out of storage. I still feel bad.

I also found all of these little love notes and hand made gifts he had packed away. So many reminders of when we were "in love." I wonder if he will just toss these things. I found a little notebook with poetry from his first girlfriend. Poems written by both of them. Many were sexual. Strange, I don't feel like I knew the side of him that was expressed there either. He didn't write about love there, it was all physical, obsessive. With us, it was always so loving and tender (til the end of course).

That was one of the big indicators something was wrong. He used to call me Love, Dear, Hon, never by my name. All of a sudden he was calling me by my name. Then he just stopped addressing me at all. One day he said to me, "you never call me Mr. R, do you." NO, why would I do that? Duh, they address each other by last name. I guess he gets off on that. barf

I can't stop looking at this pic of right before we got married. He is just glowing. I haven't seen him like this in a long time. The good news is, I don't see him like this now. I believe that if he was really in love and on some high, it would be obvious. I think back. He would be taking care of himself. He always looks unkept. Last time I say him, he was wearing sweats and a T-shirt and thongs. My H never went out like that. He was always clean and neat, worried about his appearance. Those are sleeping clothes. His hair was combed but dirty. Loved people take care of themselves. He would be keeping the van clean and neat for her to ride in. It's full of trash in the front seat-candy wrappers, napkins, pringles containers, etc. We kept a little trash can in there. It is overflowing onto the floor. He's not exactly bouncing off clouds.

Maybe if I didn't exist, he didn't miss his kids, and money wasn't an issue, he would be walking on air.

I'm talking too much and not making any sense. The point is, I'm still holding on. I'm still hoping there is a chance. I look at this pic, and I know he was truly happy. It was real. It was right. He was able to take me to his family, and his family loved me (I was the first girl they accepted, let alone liked). How can he ever take her home?

Ok, I said I was going to shut up and I meant it. Just in one of those moods today. Gonna get busy and finish working on the house.

Have a great day everyone.

[nephartiti]

OK, MKultra made me have an epiphany.

How do I drop the rope with H without jeopardizing the safety of myself and my children? How do I leave him to his own devices without coming off as his parent (in regards to finishing the separation of the bank accounts)?

My mother is here. I will have to come back to this later.