I spoke way too much at the C session yesterday. Lots came out (mostly out of my mouth, C had to tap my foot with hers to shut me up while H was speaking ).
Of course we hadn’t seen her since before OW called again and all of the events of the last week, so she had quite an earful. (I did let H explain about the “black mail” angle…he wanted me to carry on, but I asked him to tell her about that).
She also felt that his suggestion that my dbing somehow "enabled" his A to continue was unfair. (He's really regretting saying that now).
I broke down in tears when she told me that his A's had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. Not to minimize the damage I'd done to our R in the past, only that what H DID with his pain was HIS decision.
I brought up what I need to get past this accumulation of betrayals and lies: reassurances, apologies, (once or twice, is not enough!), affirmation of how great I’ve been about all of this….and what DOESN’T help: jealous (and unfounded) accusations directed at me!
H said that one of the reasons he asked me to cut down on the bb was because when he hears the keys click-clacking it reminds him of what HE did on-line. And he also thinks I’m painting a negatively biased picture of him here.
BTW, the "scuffle" is the most “physical” H has ever been with me, and completely out of character for him. C attributed both of our “crazy” behaviour of late to the rampant emotions. Something we’ll look back on and shake our heads over. So please don’t worry that I’m in any kind of physical danger!
I know a solution is to have him come aboard, but I’m still too raw for that. I was almost there a couple of weeks ago…but now? I just don’t know. He doesn't like the idea of blow-by-blow coverage of what goes on, but that's pretty much what we do here, am I wrong?
C told H that he’d have to “just sit” with his feelings, as for now, this bb is my only source of support (no friends or family involved this time!). I felt relieved that she took this stance, but sorry for H at the same time.
H was in tears, overwhelmed, I just felt crummy afterwards.
I didn’t journal or bb last night, just didn’t have the heart. H sat in the dark in the living room. I asked if there was anything I could do or say to help him feel better, but he said no. Not even a hug! (I suppose not bbing helped in some small way? ).
We did share an ILY and hug before bed .
His mood seems improved some today. He was reading “After the Affair” when I got home . He’s out getting some items for a dinner I’m cooking later. I suppose we’ll have some QT tonight.
BTW, someone suggested I turn off the T.V. and make QT (in response to my reaction to Celebrity Survivor)…good point. However it’s H’s love language that is QT. I’ve been going the extra mile to make these happen (check out all the nights spent listening to tunes and sipping wine). And at that time…I guess I just had too much pent up negative emotion festering…I’ll try harder in the future!
Don’t quite know what else to say.
So I guess I’ll try to catch up with a few of your sitches.
). 
).
.
