Thanks so much everyone, your posts are immensely helpful to me...not exactly sure how H is feeling about them.

Well I signed off here to help H with his stirfry...but somewhere in there he ended up on the couch watching T.V. and I ended up cooking dinner alone (didn't realize this annoyed me until much later).

We ate, nice. But then he settled in to watch "Celebrity Survivor", which is lame by anyone's standards (we didn't watch American Idol, or the last three real Survivors, because H didn't like the genre!)

I took about an hour of it, then at 10 asked if there was anything else on. He made a half-hearted search of the guide and just left it on that dumb show.

So I went into the back room and finished a novel I'd been reading.

But then, I just got so agitated! I felt like getting on here, or journalling, but I felt constrained, like I couldn't. Like I was a kid and had my "computer privileges" taken away. (point of fact, he never said I couldn't journal, but wouldn't that equally take away from our "quality time"?)

And what kind of quality time was that anyway???

Yes, Sage, I'm very resentful of him seeking to put limitations on my bb activities. I WAS limiting them, making sure it didn't nip into our time together, you all probably know that (eg..H just ran to the store, thought I'd pop in...).

I just felt such incredible agitation and rage last night. Then I went to the bathroom (figured a xanax might help) and noticed how disgustingly filthy it was.

So I set about cleaning it, with some vigor. H called out from the livingroom "Are you okay in there?".

I responded (sarcastically, no doubt) "About as okay as one can be scrubbing the toilet!" he said I was making a lot of noise, banging things around (true). I said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you".

(the fact that he didn't jump back on this, suggests he might well have been dozing off, I just made an educated guess)

He walked up and said that I was pissed off at him, and wanted to talk about it. I said (as we agreed in C) that I didn't want to talk about it just then, and I really didn't.

But he persisted, and somehow I mumbled something to the effect of "At least I do something constructive when I'm pissed off"...to which he replied "Meaning that I do something destructive?"

Actually, folks, I hadn't thought that through. I was just feeling resentful that although I'm working and he's been in the house every day for 7 months, I had to be scrubbing the scummy bathtub out.

But in actuality, that's exactly what he did, isn't it?

Decided he wasn't going to "take my sarcasm" any more...and so got on a chatline and had two affairs. Not exactly constructive, was it?

I came on and journalled for a good long time. I mean I was BANGING on these keys! It felt really good. Lots of repressed rage, resentment etc poured out.

Afterwards, H was still awake (unusual) and I told him that I had just journalled, and felt much better for it, that I had a lot of negative emotions piled up and needed to get them out.

He was now angry at me and answered my wish for him to have a good night with some sarcasm. (I wonder if he EVER hears it in himself?)

So things were tense this morning. I had wanted to get out and perhaps go to Chapters to buy a new novel, but he beat me to it. I suppose the 5 odd books he's in the midst of reading aren't enough. (still some anger simmering here! )

But at least he's out of the house and can't accuse me of stealing his quality time by being here.

Yikes!

Wonder how our Counselling session is going to go today.

Shiny