Sara, Umm, oops, the earring in question was NOT *the* earring. lmfao!! Oh well. And yes, he remembers its my birthday, bought my favorite food for dinner tonight, and the girls mentioned the mall when he had them today, and he never goes to the mall.
neph, yes, I can at least hope he would help the girls celebrate my birthday. They would celebrate the mailman's birthday if it meant singing and cake.
andy, there have been times in the past that I have subtly chosen H over my family. No more. There shouldn't have to be any choosing.
SueS, H spent the night at his dad's last night. I asked him what time he wanted me to bring him the girls tomorrow morning (no pursuing, like "Are you coming home?", but I had to know if I needed to get up any earlier) and he said, "Let's play it by ear". I'd bet my next paycheck he'll be home tonight. Not because he loves me but out of convenience. I don't know if I will be able to do this one night gone, next night home thing.
hi morgan, just posted on your thread. I have been thinking about you today.
trying, boy oh boy you asked some good questions. You have pegged our problems (before OW) without really even knowing me. WOW!! Let me try to answer them.
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When did you notice things start to go bad in the marriage was just curious
I noticed it this winter. He was growing short with me, going out more, and all around more bad moods. He rarely talks about his feelings. Honestly, I didn't think he was as unhappy as he claims he was (he is good for rewriting history), or of course I would have tried something then.
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Also why was he umemployed for so long?
He had a back injury that required surgery, then got laid off after that. He searched and searched. He doesn't have a 'profession' per say, so finding something was hard for him. He wouldn't take 'any' job, and eventually stopped trying.
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Also is he angry about the hours you work?
Not angry per say, but now I am hearing that I chose work over him, that I love my job TOO much. I started taking on more hours because of money, he supported me by saying how proud he was of me for doing this. Also, took over the house completely so I didn't have to do anything but be with the girls when I was actually home. Its really not fair because he was thinking one thing (she is working too much and neglecting me), but saying other things ("We're fine, the girls are great, I am proud of you for your hard work").
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Has he ever mentioned wanting you to try and find something else that wouldn't have as many crazy hours?
I have been trying to get 'normal' hours at my job for 2 years. I will retire from the job I am in, but am trying for better hours. We worked opposite shift for years, and it was great for the kids (no day care), but obviously wasn't good for us. Not a lot of time together. We actually took opposite roles up, him the 'unhappy sah' with no life, and me, working too much and not enough energy for him at home. And yes yes yes to the breadwinner thing, I know this is a total issue for him. He was out of work for way too long (he is working now) and spent most of it unhappy. Until he took over my place in our playgroup and then met OW. We both let things slip, he didn't speak up when he got really unhappy, and I ignored it at times and tried to escape instead of dealing with it. I would push him out the door to go out so I could sleep and not feel bad about it. Looking back, I made big mistakes by putting him last and I totally regret it.
Thanks trying, for taking so much time to read my situation.
Journaling:
Feeling awful today. Worse tonight, but nights are always bad when you have a cold. Debating on calling in sick tomorrow, but am going to try to go in.
H didn't come home last night. We agreed I would have the kids until about 2pm, then he'll have them til I come home around 6pm to put them to bed. He was calling at 9am this morning "What are you doing? Where are you going?". I told him we were just leaving for the zoo and he sounded sad. I did NOT invite him. He came home when he found out we were gone and cleaned up the house, did laundry and ran. We got home a bit early (HOT!), and were all in the house at the same time. The girls were happy, H seemed nervous, and I was all relaxed.
Then I got dressed, kissed the girls and did my thing. I wanted to crawl into bed with this cold, but didn't. They went grocery shopping and came home. H brought dinner home from one of my favorite places, and we all ate together. I was all cool and focused on the kiddos.
His brother called and he had to go jump his car. I am sure he is going out after that. I didn't want to pursue him by asking if he was staying at his dad's tonight so I asked "What time do you want me to bring the kids to you" or something to that affect. He said "Let's play it by ear". I think he is coming home tonight out of convenience.
Question: As a DBer, am I supposed to let him come and go as he pleases? Meaning one night at his dad's, one here, etc? I should be acting polite, loving, but not question what he is doing the next night as long as he keeps me reasonably informed for the kids care? Right?
