There and Back, #6

[SallyM]

neph, its hard to go thru that stuff, isn't it? but can be good...can help release them, too. all part of the grieving process, I guess.

I had a pretty good day today. really a nice time at my folks house and apple picking, but the kids were crabby/tired by the time we got home. got them a quick snack (early dinner at mom and dads) then ready for bed and H called...when I answered the phone he was in the midst of a conversation with "someone" who was with him. no, I didn't ask. do I really need to? he was telling whomever (cough, gag) about how cute the kids are when they say goodnight to him each night.

just made me want to scream. again, I'm working on detaching, but obviously not there yet. just sucks, I hate that they are together, but really hate when he talks about the kids to her. I was short with him, the kids were crabby/whiney, he asked why, and I told him briefly that they were tired and that they were sad because they miss him...both true. and that was that...I hung up. not in a mean way, just in a busy way, with whiney kids in the background. I know I would have been better served to have acted as if, but hey, we all slip, right?

I start every freaking day with my kids asking for him/sad that daddy doesn't live at home anymore. I hear it throughout the day. I watch my daughter blow wishes on freaking dandelions and each and every one of them is for daddy to come home. and yet, I keep it together. I keep the kids together, I am open and make it safe for them to express their sadness. I take care of this house...every thing about it, even the stuff I don't know how to do. I try to keep all the freaking balls in the air. and I'm just tired, and annoyed because he's off having a good time with freaking OW, and yeah, he gets sad and upset and overwhelmed at times...but all because of his own freaking choices.

feel free to replace every one of those freakings, btw. trust me, its not what I am actually saying.

just crabby because it was a lousy reminder of him with her, and how far apart we are. he couldn't even wait till he was alone for 5 minutes to call his kids, he had to do it with her there. well f him. f him.

breathing in, breathing out.

now that the rant is over...

just bored, frustrated, tired, lonely tonight. I know I have good life, considering. I know i am blessed. going to count my blessings.

but I also need a break. I need to get away. I need to have some fun on my own. I need to feel like more than just mommy, the dumped woman left at home.