Thanks everyone (Oh Sad!! )

I hope you're ready for a long one. Make some popcorn and sit back folks. Lot's of lessons on what NOT to do here, I think:

I’m just so sad, tired, empty, hollow right now, I don’t know how I will finish this entry. And God Bless you, every one, if you follow it to the end.

After dinner last night, I was interrupted in my journalling by H asking if he could check his work e-mail “while I watched”. I asked if he’d read my letter and he said no. I asked him to do so. He didn’t want to, but eventually did. (Controlling, yep. I just wanted him to see that I didn’t want to “watch him” on line).

It did not go well. He started by thanking me for the letter, acknowledging that I got the “fear driven” angle right. He then proceded to deny that he has any kind of problem with not standing up to issues.

Then onto my suggestion that he needs a therapist.
He was extremely defensive, said he didn’t need help. I told him what I had seen the night before really scared me. He turned it around and said, why didn’t I need a therapist too, then? (I’d had a similar episode on our trip in ’98). I said at first (without really thinking) that I’d go for it. But then realized, and said that much of my anxiety-torment has been dealt with via personal growth, reading, meditation, looking inward, meds etc. that this really isn’t something I need professional help for. At that time, yes, I needed it desperately, and said so.

He feels my suggestion was more controlling on my part. (Note to self: wait for bb feedback before giving letters to H )

H very defensively said that he’d gone through personal growth, too. Which struck me as a denial of all of his recent CRAZINESS.

So my concern for him, got twisted into quiet sarcasm (I didn’t hear it until he pointed it out): “Was getting on the chat-line, instead of expressing your dissatisfactions to me personal growth? Having not one, but two affairs, was that personal growth? Was lying to me, planning to run away, was that evidence of your personal growth?”

Yup, direct attack, only quiet this time . H called me on the sarcasm, which I denied at first (like I said, didn’t hear it). Then I, stopped, reran my comments and apologized (he was growing angry, loud, tearful and frankly, starting to scare me). He stormed out of the room. Came back and somehow we ended up with him yelling again that I “just don’t get it” and that those comments were just my “sarcasm repackaged”.

We argued about who “turns things around” in our arguments. It goes both ways. He never even addressed the rest of the letter, my wanting him to have freedom, to take responsibility, to not rely on me to “check up on him”. Within a minute he walked out again.

I soaked in the tub (was already poured). When I got out, I invited him to hop in. A peace offering.

I got back in here and somehow, I’m not even sure HOW? H ended up in here demanding to look on the bb.

Earlier he’d asked me if I was flirting on here. And I said no. But then waffled: Just what does he mean by flirting?

He asked for my definition, and I blurted out something like “Coming on to someone”. But that's not really it.
Would he take the light banter on the bb to be flirting?

What is your definition, people? And is it the most horrible sin in the world?

I was getting scared, I KNOW how jealous he is, how judgmental, how disapproving of flirtation in general (when we all know he was flirting his ass off, admitted as much, on the chat line ). I know how angry he still is about the “kisses” incident. In fact he threw that back in my face earlier…asking if kissing those friends was MY personal growth! (Point of fact...THEY kissed ME!)

Somehow we actually got into a physical scuffle when he demanded to see the bb and ”check “ on my flirting. I moved to take the rolling chair in front of the computer (to block his access) and he pushed and pulled on it, trying to dislodge me. He was yelling at me to “Get the F*ck out of here!!”. I grasped onto the edge of the desk to keep the chair in place, my water glass wobbled and some spilled.

I told him that if he really wanted to do this, against my will, I would sign on for him. I did so, showed him my home page with the 1 sent private message (the initial, generic welcome) and 0 sent private messages.

He then insisted that I get out of the chair, that he’d find the site himself and search it. I gave him the chair, saying tearfully “Go for it, but know that this just might mean the end of us”.

Of course I didn’t mean that he’d find anything on the bb that was that bad, but just that he was acting so crazed, angry, aggressive, accusatory, controlling, yelling, and deliberately going against my stated wish that he desist.
(Hmmm...sort of like when I found his e-mail from C on Monday )

He lumbered his way onto the site. I pulled up the other chair. He demanded that I leave (more than once), but I told him he would have to remove me physically. He then yelled at me to “Just shut the F up then”, and so I hauled out the duct tape and just watched.

By now I felt calmer…what’s the worst thing he could find on here folks? Would I have been thinking of inviting him aboard if there were anything that bad???

I told him that I hoped he felt like sh*t after reading what is on here.

He searched my handle. He searched for “Photos”.

Oh yes, he was so suspicious of my request for digital photos from pals D and ML that he was convinced I had or intended to post a photo of me here. He thought I was looking at everyone’s photos, commenting on their looks, private e-mailing people, and, of course flirting.

Floyd, do you know how much trouble my jotting down your e-mail addy caused me? If I recall correctly, probably around the New Year, you were thinking of creating a photo gallery of Dbers. I said I didn’t have any, wouldn’t know how to post ‘em anyway. You offered to post for me? Is that how I got your addy? It was on a slip of paper H found recently.

Please Floyd, in case H is still perusing the bb (he later said he wouldn’t) and for when and if I ever invite him aboard, will you tell him the extent of our “relationship?”

He searched through some of your thread.

Yours is the only bb photo that I’ve seen. My comment on that post was “You’re family is beautiful, and you’re kinda hot too F! ”

When that came up, H glared at me, fumed, fumbled with the printer to print out this damning “evidence”.

I begged him to read the posts around that one (to see coop’s and others replies) to get a better idea of the context. He wouldn’t do it. Said he’d go back to them later.

He kept searching. He searched “Flirt” and came up with my Valentine’s hello to Mitch. In Mitch’s previous post he’d said his C recommended “harmless flirting”. So in addition to saying “Will you be my Valentine” (which, please confirm, I asked of all the ladies too!!!!). I mentioned that I was wearing a red ribbed sweater and dangly red earrings, red nail polish (which had been in my thread earlier, when H commented on it). And I included an e-hug.

Is this a dire sin, folks? Mitch? Will, Sage, MAL, Chilly Everyone: Have I ever crossed the line here? Have I come on to anyone? Has anyone come on to me?

Have any of you seen a picture of me? Have I said I was going to post one? Have I ever given my real name or e-mail addy? Have I ever e-mailed any of you???

It was like the twilight zone. Watching random posts of mine come up. Wondering what he’d read there, out of context, out of order.

H was furious this entire time. Certain he’d caught me in a lie. Did he? I’m just so confused. I wouldn’t say that I flirt here, but maybe I do? Is it anything that is harmful to my M, though?? HELP!

He kept saying he did NOI approve, and that while he wasn’t going to ask me to get off the bb (!!!), I was NOT to flirt!! Is this not being controlling, people?

It felt ludicrous given all the things that he has done. And everything I’ve been doing to try to save our M.

I guess the duct tape fell off somewhere...

H said that if my sarcasm persisted (as far as I know, this was my first “relapse”) he was out the door. I said something back to the effect of “so if I catch you in another lie, should you be out the door?”…and it just got uglier and uglier. BTW, I didn’t raise my voice at all. H on the other hand was red-faced with fury.

Somehow, in between looking at random posts, something changed. Maybe he was getting tired of scanning all the countless “harmless” posts before finding anything “incriminating”. BTW, he did not approve of our discussion of thongs.

I was quietly sobbing, wondering how my world had gotten so f*cked up. I said something about always having shaken my head at the people on Jerry Springer, but now I AM them.

H paused and said “because of me”. I said “yeah”.

He shut down the computer, said he wouldn’t look at the bb again until I invited him on. People, the likelihood of that seems dimmer and dimmer. I’m sure it would infuriate him to see the personal details I’ve written…but isn’t that the purpose of this bb? Not just to get the great advice and support, but also to journal, vent and be honest anonymously? To maybe get an e-hug or wink when you’re feeling down?

Somehow I spoke of how horrendous this past 7 months have been for me. How terribly he treated me during much of this time. I won’t bore you with the details. Let’s just say H’s mood changed from anger to remorse. He said he couldn’t think about what he’d done to me “in big chunks” or it would overwhelm him.

Numb, shocked, horrified, we talked a bit more in the back room. H said he reacted so strongly because his chat line stuff started out as “just friendly talk”. He bristled when I referred to you people as my friends. He said I didn’t know anything about any of you! (Obviously he hasn’t been reading threads! ).

That there were likely predators on here just waiting to snap up, flirt with, try to get involved with a desperate dber.

If so, I haven’t seen any, have any of you? (seriously, have you?)

He ended up hugging me (I wasn’t enthusiastic) and saying “I love you”. It took a pause for me to respond. I’m not sure I really wanted to. He went into the living room to watch T.V.

I couldn’t sleep. I lied in bed staring at one of my posters…mind whirling a thousand miles an hour. Wondering more than ever if this M is salvageable. IS this the man for me? He’s showing some really scary behaviours and yet sees no reason to get help.

When I got home from school, I ate lunch while H printed out a response to my letter.

I've just read it, some good stuff there, (basically, everything you folks have been saying is right on the mark) but this post is surely long enough!

Shiny