I talked to W today and two new things: 1- I told about some people I met in Vegas who offered their house to me anytime I was back in town and she said "We'll have to visit them and Sara (one of her friends out there) if we ever go". First time she mentioned plans for the future for both of us. Felt good and I let it slide without comment. I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into that though as it was off hand and followed up by #2 below. 2- She told me she got hit on by a guy in Tractor Supply, twice by the same guy working there on different trips, and that it made her feel good. This is something that I would normally not take well but I joked with her about getting picked up in the Tractor Supply. Seemed to go over well. She tries to push my buttons a lot and I think maybe this was another one of those times, even if she didn't realize she was doing it. I think I handled it well although it really does bother me that she throws stuff like that out like I don't have feelings. She's told me all through our marriage what she wants in a husband and it's basically the things were all trying to do here: confident, not-clingy, caring, etc. Now that I'm doing those things (to one extent or another) I guess I'm a little disappointed that she doesn't seem to recognize it. Or maybe i is registering with her, she's just not letting me see it. God, I really hate these stupid mind games. I wish we could just be open and honest with each other and I could tell how much I want to be her H. but, if wishes were horses and all that.
I must be getting impatient or something because at first it felt natural to be upbeat and joking with her and now it's getting harder because I don't feel like I'm getting any kind of reassurance from her that this is working. Sure, there are good comments like the one above but there's also the "we're probably going to D" comment from Wednesday that wipes most of those out.
This might sound like reaching but I know, absolutely know, that she doesn't want a D. She's fed up with how things are, hopeless that we can actually change and that's what's driving the D talk from her, not an honest loss of feeling for me. She's also looking at her new job and house as a fresh start and this must seem like the perfect time to D since I'm completely disentangled from her life. I wish I could reach into her head and brush those cobwebs away because it seems like she's so close sometimes to being my W again and I just want to get there *now*.
