I used your wonderful insights and advice to draft a short letter to H, outlining my concerns.
Here it is:
Dear H,
I’m writing this down to keep my thoughts organized and ensure that it comes out right.
I feel pretty badly about the events of the past week. Can it possibly be only a week since OW called again??? I feel like I’ve aged a year.
I know you expected me to “freak out” and possibly end our marriage over the revelation your ongoing contact with her and all the details she sent to me. But I didn’t did I? I sat down and asked you to explain.
Although some of what you told her in your e-mails is very painful, I believe that you were acting out of fear.
We weathered that day very well, I think. I felt much relieved and you did too.
Then as is to be expected, I had some down moments and had to absorb the fact that you’d been lying to me again, black-mail or no.
I’m frankly a little disturbed that you’ve implied that my giving you space, not questioning you, not demanding answers (all part of the controllingness you couldn’t stand in me?) “enabled” you to continue the affair. That you would have ended it much sooner if I’d pushed you for answers.
Is it really fair to blame me in this way? Wasn’t the responsibility to end it (if that’s what you wanted) and face the consequences YOURS?
You told me to be more suspicious, to act on my gut feelings, which is why I asked if you’d checked your e-mail yesterday. I didn’t ask for the password until you shrugged off checking it together.
And then when “C's” personal e-mail popped up, rather than just saying who she was (and really, it’s not much to hide, is it??) you lied and panicked again.
So you want me to question you, check up on you, follow my gut, but when I do you panic and lie. What am I supposed to do???
And now, here I am, in the unwelcome position of being your “mother” or “parole officer”. I don’t want it!
I don’t want to be your boss, your mother, your jailor. I want to be your friend, lover, spouse, life partner. How do we stop this destructive cycle? Nip it in the bud?
Like I told you last week about passwording the whole computer, I don’t want “trust” built on restricting your activities, or “checking up” on you. Does it feel like a healthy pattern to you?
I have not changed your hotmail password. I will no longer look at it. If you wish to change the password on it, please do so. Same for your work e-mail, I really wish you hadn’t shouted out the password (Had I asked for it? Voiced any suspicions about it? No. I didn’t have any). Feel free to change it.
Is it that you feel you don’t deserve any privacy now? I don’t feel this way. I don’t want you to feel all exposed, powerless, wondering what I’m checking on.
If you want to disconnect that hotmail account, then do so. If you want to keep it, do so, change the password. I WILL NOT take responsibility for “keeping you on the straight and narrow”, I love you dearly, but that is YOUR job.
I really think that you could use an independent, objective ear in all of this. Another counsellor perhaps with whom you can discuss and work on some issues.
For example your long-standing tendency to behave out of fear. Isn’t it stunning how your feelings and thoughts trudging to the bank to transfer that money to OW were almost exactly how you felt hiding in the closet at K’s apartment 13 years ago?
Could you perhaps use some help in turning around your pattern of “just hoping things will go away” or resolve themselves without you having to stand up, take risks and DO something about them?
After all, this was your stance (or so you said) about the problems in our marriage too. Did this play a role in your staying in a job you hated for all these years as well?
Just know that I love you, but I’m very confused right now too, I just hope we can move past this impasse and into a healthier relationship.
