I was almost a WAW (and still am-- in my heart?)

[sandi2]

The "heart" of a WAW....hummm. That came into focus just moments ago. Those of you who have followed my stitch know that I have Fibromyaglia, chronic fatigue, depression, back pain and all that good stuff.......ok, well on top of all that is allergies, which is not that big of a deal to most people, but it just adds to the misery that one has to deal with in all this other "poop". The past several weekends I have not been able to do anything due to pain, etc. Missed the first two days of work this past week and here it is the weekend and of course I feel miserable....again. It takes every ounce of energy I have to get to work....stay there until quitting time....come home and collapse. The house work begins to pile up and that bothers me a lot....especially when anyone comes over unexpected. My mother was a fananic housekeeper....and her mother before her...so guess it may have something to do with that...but anyway back to my subject.

My H "appears" to be in a bad mood. I say "appears", b/c he does not talk, so I have to do a lot of guess work. I know he would like for me to be full of life and feel great and ready to do whatever he would like to do. Now, mind you, he never had an origianl idea other than go into town and look around at Walmart, go out and eat.....and for really big celebrations...get a motel. That is the limit of his brain storms. However, I don't feel like doing that and I feel guilty when he "appears" to be put out at me laying around (well, I'm not laying, but you know what I mean.)

As he started out the door, I asked him to pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy when he left. He said, "You need to get out in this nice weather before the rain sets in." My reply was, "It is this nice weather that has my allergies acting up." So, out the door he goes and I'm thinking.......there we go again....he doesn't understand and he never will.

Do you know why I had an EA? I don't think it had anything to do with the lack of sex in my M at all! It was the lack of emotional fulfillment and emotional connection with my H. The OM "appeared" to be compassionate. Of course, I know now that all he was wanting was to get in my panties, but that was what I was willing to do at the time the EA was going on. The OM was just "building up" to the time we could have the PA. That was the "courting" part of the R.

One of the many hard things for me as I go through the withdrawal stages from the EA is that my H still doesn't seem to "get it". I wonder if he ever will. We have been so distant for so many years.....have any of you out there been emotionally divorced for this many years and come back with a MR that had life to it? You see, even though I have determined not to contact the OM again.....when little things happen like it did a few minutes ago.....the temptation is there. That is one reaon this board has saved me, b/c I can come in here to vent to you all instead of contacting the OM to vent.

As a newcomer quoted his wife in saying, "Marriage should not have to be this hard." That is how we feel a lot of the times. Why can't it just be fun sometimes? Why can't it just be something that gives us a feeling of "life is worth living" some of the times? Why can't it be something we look forward to every day instead of wondering what we will have to deal with that 24 hours.....wondering what kind of mood the other one will be in or how hard you will have to work at the R that day.

Well, to answer my own questions.....I believe it CAN be all of that, but when we damage it so severly, it takes an awful long time and very hard work to make it healthy again. So, for all/any of you that have those great success stories, please come talk to us and tell us that it is possible and to hang in there and work hard and not quit.

I don't know how my H has hung in such a depressing R. He hasn't received much of anything out of it. I get to feeling sorry for myself and come here and invite you all to my little pity parties, but he has not had it easy by any means. Maybe that is why I feel badly that I can't seem to "throw" myself into doing a lot of "physical" things. that I would otherwise, to show him I was "trying" to make things better. By that, I mean, I would cook and keep the house nice and have people over to entertain, etc. I would be full of life and enthusiasm like I was in the early years. But that person.....well, she is still there in my heart, I think.....but it is so far down that I don't know if she will ever reappear. My health is the biggest issue......I think. It keeps me down. I have noticed when I do have just a little bit of energy that I am like a different person. I'm not as depressed and I'm happier, etc. It is easier to fight the bad days when you have some energy....even if you have pain.

So, you have figured out today is not a great day, so far. I hope that will change by tonight and I can say....."Hey guess what...the day really turned around for me". It is not always a matter of positive thinking, etc.

BTW, my son and his family have just been "kicked out" of their home, by the FIL. They thought my DIL had inherited the house and the land it was on from her grandfather and have lived there with her grandmother (and was suppose to until the grandmother died and then it would be theirs) But her dad has gambled all the grandfather's money away and has no place of his own now, so he has kicked them all out. He was given the power of attorney over the estate at the time of grandfather's death. A very long story that I won't go into.....but it is so sad and he is disabled and doesn't know what on earth they are going to do. Rent and realestate is so outragious here due to school district battles that there doesn't seem to be anything they can afford. Our little house could not begin to hold everyone.....they are a family of four. We already have one grandson living here, and we have a tiny house. Please keept them in your prayers. I am sure that has not helped my mental state today along with my physical. That is probably weighing very heavy on my H as well. But, where I would talk it out and feel better, my H keeps it bottled up inside of him. So, we don't come together and "connect" on anything.