I Need Help! Please!!! Sorry Really Long...

[theotherhalf]

I don't know if most would call anything in my life "positive". H has made it very clear to myself and everyone else that he wants a D. (But yet, has not filed).

H really doesn't contact me. The time we see each other is mostly when he is here doing farm stuff. Most of the time he is gone before I get home. Or he'll leave as soon as I show up. Or he'll be here then just jump in truck and go. Doesn't come to house, nothing. Alot of the time when I do see him, he looks at me like he hates me. Or totally avoids me all together.

Then there were the few times he has contacted me. First time after moving out, he harassed me because I was out and he didn't know where. Evening turned really bad and he ended up breaking out a window and [censored]. He was really drunk that night too. He came by to apologize the next day. I accepted but said that I am doing nothing wrong and that I can do what I want. He agreed completely. Next time was him just showing up here and ended up spending the evening with me and girls, and then the night. I asked of course but he did and it was nice. Then nothing for 2 weeks. Then last weekend H asked me to SIL's I said we'll see and never went. I kicked myself for that all week. But I know that I need to not be available to him just when he wants. Then last night I knew that I had to go for me. And glad that I did but it's always afterwards, "now what".

And there is OW. I don't have any concrete proof as they have never been seen together. But in the beginning I overheard a conv. on the phone. Checking his phone over and over there have been many calls to her. Cat hair on his clothes, she has a cat. Always coming and going from the town where she lives. Camping trips where he couldn't be found. He has maintained that they are just talking, that she has done nothing wrong. That what is going on between them is none of my business, that it doesn't matter.
But when I've asked:
M: Do you have feelings for her
H: I don't know
M: are you going to continue to see her
H: I don't know
M: Are you sleeping with her
H: no
M: has she been in this camper
H: yes
So I just stopped asking any questions about her. He says that now he is not seeing anyone. I don't believe him. I think that he is seeing her at night when they cannot be seen. I can't prove it, I've tried. I guess it's one of those things that can't be dontrolled so I am letting it go. Somewhat. The best I can.

I just pray and hope and try to believe that H will be attracted to me again one of these days. That he will see why he loved me in the first place. That he'll one day "remember" what we were to each other. And then let her go. By trying to keep the connection alive without pushing or applying any preasure, I hope that will help. Who knows, maybe all still false hopes.

In the meantime I will take care of me. I will take care of my girls, without H help. I will take care of my home and hope that I can hold on to it. And I pray, and pray, and pray...