Hi Mrscac, I am not sure what the radical honesty stuff is all asbout, either, but it does sound interesting. Right now I'd settle for some regular honesty, lol.
I know you don't want to get into the nitty gritty of what went on with your H but if you want to talk offline let me know. I am wondering if your H recognizes the damage he did and if he has true remorse for it. Is he giving you what you need? Are you getting outside help? I guess I am just really tuned in to other people's pain right now because my own is so acute. I have always thought that you handle yourself well on this forum and I'll bet that you do so in life as well. I have no doubt that you will negotiate this challenge with flying colors. What friends do you have to help you through?
That sounds like a good conversation you had with your H. The Radical Honesty book is mind-blowing and well worth reading - I read it last month and I plan to read it again.
Things with H and I are kind of sucky right now. I think he has a virus because he has had zero energy. The vibe I get from him the whole time is that everything is my fault. He was packing to go on a dive trip, he couldn't find half his stuff and he was acting pissy about it like I was the one who should have made sure it was all put away properly. Later he went upstairs to bed and didn't even say "goodnight" or "I'm off to bed" or anything. Just disappeared. I just find that incredibly rude. When I went up I said "How come you sneaked up to bed without saying anything?". OK maybe not the best thing to have said. His reply in heavily sarcastic tones was "I didn't sneak up." The implication is that by wanting him to say something when he goes to bed I am trying to control him. He even leaves the house sometimes without a word to me. Is it me or is this just completely cr@p behaviour?
So today he is on the dive trip. I was dancing around the kitchen this morning because there was a really cool reggae track on the radio from the 80s and it pushed my dance button (doesn't take much - LOL). And I was feeling happy, then I felt a twinge in my boob and the thought *breast cancer* jumped into my brain. Not in a really serious way, because I have had it checked out and it's not that. But my next thought was that the first thing I would do if I found I was terminally ill would be leave my H.
I just stopped right there and started crying. The realisation that I am really wasting my life with H and that if I knew I had only 6 months to live or whatever I wouldn't be doing this anymore.
If I was going to be radically honest then when H gets back I would tell him that.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I am wondering if your H recognizes the damage he did and if he has true remorse for it. Karen
K, My H would rather treat the A as yesterday's news and just move on with life. When I have my emotional relapses, I can see the frustration in his face. At baseline, I am not someone who is easily able to let things go, and this is certainly no exception. It's tempered by the fact that I have my own demons to face...as you know, I fell short in the spouse department, and by the fact that H is very much relieved that the secrecy is off his shoulders. The OW is a very needy soul, which at first I am sure made him feel important and hot, but at the end, she was more of an albatross. That's the sense I get, anyway.
My H wants us to work...I think the OW experience "backfired" in a way where he now appreciates me even more. And I want us to work, too, but I have my moments ( how could he have done this, how could he have been so secretive, who is he anyway, what is his character,can I really get over it all). Fortunately, the moments pass and I am back on track. In answer to your question, I don't believe my H has any clue as to the damage caused, but he does seem genuinely remorseful, and we are hoping to build a new marriage together.
As far as outside help, I do have a therapist and have gone in to talk with her for a few sessions, but my main source of support comes from a childhood friend whom I speak with every day. She went through something similar and ended up divorced, but she is really rooting for me and H.
I am glad you are encouraging me to talk about these feelings here; SSM is like home. I have been over to MLC and shared some stuff there as well...many extraordinary women there...they need a little more " masculine energy" there to move along, IMO.
My advice to you is to keep shaking the tree, or rattling the cage, or whatever you want to call it. Becoming "tougher", asserting myself, and figuring out boundaries is what led to the pieces finally being unturned.
I just ordered the Radical Honesty book and will share my thoughts here.
Oh and by the way, my mom had me at 45. And she was always a beautiful woman.
I have seen many false dawns like this. My feeling these days is that he is love avoidant. Or just avoidant personality. Things get better and then he will retreat again. That is my feeling, I don't know what he would say. Maybe he would say I do something which makes him retreat. If he does then I sure as heck don't know what it is. I don't even trust the good times anymore.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Is it me or is this just completely cr@p behaviour?
It's crappy behavior reminiscent of a sullen teenager. You're then placed in the " bad parent" role, and your H doesn't see how he provoked this.
Quote:
I was dancing around the kitchen this morning because there was a really cool reggae track on the radio from the 80s and it pushed my dance button (doesn't take much - LOL).
You're reminding me of MJ!
Quote:
But my next thought was that the first thing I would do if I found I was terminally ill would be leave my H.
I just stopped right there and started crying. The realisation that I am really wasting my life with H and that if I knew I had only 6 months to live or whatever I wouldn't be doing this anymore.
The dichotomy between the happiness and sadness here is heart breaking. I am beinning to see how many of us on the BB are on the same page...we need to work on asserting ourselves and knowing our boundaries, while not allowing our spouses to push us into the parent role.
A day at a time, a day at a time. Blast the music, and think sexy, vibrant thoughts!
Please get a copy of "Private Lies" by Pittman and insist that your husband read it cover to cover twice.
Let me know if you need someone to talk to about this. I will tell you for sure that ignoring it, will NOT make it eventually go away or get better.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
