I am wondering if your H recognizes the damage he did and if he has true remorse for it. Karen
K, My H would rather treat the A as yesterday's news and just move on with life. When I have my emotional relapses, I can see the frustration in his face. At baseline, I am not someone who is easily able to let things go, and this is certainly no exception. It's tempered by the fact that I have my own demons to face...as you know, I fell short in the spouse department, and by the fact that H is very much relieved that the secrecy is off his shoulders. The OW is a very needy soul, which at first I am sure made him feel important and hot, but at the end, she was more of an albatross. That's the sense I get, anyway.
My H wants us to work...I think the OW experience "backfired" in a way where he now appreciates me even more. And I want us to work, too, but I have my moments ( how could he have done this, how could he have been so secretive, who is he anyway, what is his character,can I really get over it all). Fortunately, the moments pass and I am back on track. In answer to your question, I don't believe my H has any clue as to the damage caused, but he does seem genuinely remorseful, and we are hoping to build a new marriage together.
As far as outside help, I do have a therapist and have gone in to talk with her for a few sessions, but my main source of support comes from a childhood friend whom I speak with every day. She went through something similar and ended up divorced, but she is really rooting for me and H.
I am glad you are encouraging me to talk about these feelings here; SSM is like home. I have been over to MLC and shared some stuff there as well...many extraordinary women there...they need a little more " masculine energy" there to move along, IMO.
My advice to you is to keep shaking the tree, or rattling the cage, or whatever you want to call it. Becoming "tougher", asserting myself, and figuring out boundaries is what led to the pieces finally being unturned.
I just ordered the Radical Honesty book and will share my thoughts here.
Oh and by the way, my mom had me at 45. And she was always a beautiful woman.
