Thank you all for checking on me - I appreciate it.

I have been doing really well - I can actually laugh about the craziness of all this. It's so out of control (in my eyes, not his obviously) that it just seems ridiculous.

I had a rough night, though. I was out walking the dog last night w/ the kids, when we ran into - guess who? - H and his gf. We were actually in a corner store, and H pretty much ignored me but said hi to the kids, then went to get a bottle of water. Funny thing is, gf was actually friendlier (I was too, mind you) and asked me how was doing, said I must be tired w/ the kids up so late, asked about the dog. To be honest, she actually seems really nice, much as I hate to say that.

She said to me, "You always look good." I laughed, and she said, "no really, I mean it," and looked sad. Is my wonderful H doing a number on her too? I don't know. But once again, he picked someone who is insecure in that area (as I was).

Funny thing is, I told her that the dog was still sick, and it was just too expensive for me to keep paying for her surgery. GF said, "Well, I don't think that's a problem," and looked over at H. I told her he was refusing to help me, and he said, "I told you it would depend on how much it costs." So I said, "Yes, and when I told you it was $3,000, you told me to go to small claims court."

gf: \:o You said that????

H: [looks embarrassed]

gf: [to me] We're going to have a talk about this, oh yes we are.

Seriously, how can you not like a woman like that? LOL! Sucks that he found someone nice, though, b/c he sure doesn't deserve it.

BTW, I don't think she's pg b/c she had major alcohol on her breath.

I know some of you have said that this gf is bad because she went after a married man, but the truth is, we had been S for a year and a half, and even though he was giving me mixed signals, I'm sure he didn't tell her that. If I met someone great now, I would go out with him, and I'm not D'd yet.

Afterwards, my D was concerned about me, but I told her I was fine. I went to bed and cried. I thought about how nice he seems to be to her, and how mean he was/is to me; how she is now in a position to tell him to do things (e.g. money for dog), but I can't. He might do it for her.

But then I realized that what I was really sad about had nothing to do with him: I'm lonely. I want to be with someone too. I'm tired of being alone. I was alone in my marriage for years before H left, and now it's been two years of S. I've GAL'd; I have friends; I have my work...but I want someone to hold me in his arms (my LL is PT), to laugh with me, to tell my secrets to. Well, you know what I mean.

I know it will happen in God's perfect timing, etc etc, but I'm sick of waiting. I'm tired of being alone.

Anyway, that's that. I'm having a blue day, but really trying to focus on my own feelings, and not relating them to stbx.

Thanks for reading. I love you guys.

Nicola

Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself
My thread: Trusting God's Plan