I Need Help! Please!!! Sorry Really Long...

[theotherhalf]

Thurs. evening H was here to work on combine. I stayed in house for quite awhile. Then went out to see what checks he's written lately. He was real talkative, pleasant. Talked (I listened mostly) for hour and half. He then left & went home.

Yesterday I did a really bad thing. Maybe. I knew it at the time but couldn't stop myself. I left work early because H had asked me if I had to work today and it made me little suspisious. Thought I'd come home early see what was going on. I drove down main street before I left town. OH! The HO or OW car was sitting right there. I parked right away. I wanted to see her (havent seen her in over 15 years). I wanted to maybe confront her. (knew it was bad but needed to). I waited and waited. Finally I drove through once more before going home. I pulled right up to her car as she was backing up. I followed her right on her bumper a few blocks. Then realizing that I could get into trouble I yelled at her out my window "f***ing skank" and went on home.

Was it right? No. Did I feel better? Maybe a little. Will it change anything? No, not for the good anyway.

Well when I got H was over at the other place with tractor. I anticipated his arrival and figured he'd be pissed. As I assumed OW called him right away.About an hour later he came home. Didn't come to house and I stayed in house. BIL and kids came and they were hanging out in barnyard. I went out. I was chipper, etc. H was just fine. Nice. BIL said well better go so H got up and left too.

Later on H called my phone. Asked what I was doing. Asked me to come in to BIL to BBQ. I'm like "O Kay" well anyway I went. Had a good evening. H left to go home. I left. Had to call him (I know WRONG) But again I couldn't help myself. Asked him if he wanted company. He said ya, didn't care so I went. All went really well left at 3:30 am

Now will not hear from him in a week or two. Don't know if that's okay but it is what it is.

Is H coming around? Who the hell knows. Is he going to come back to me and the girls? Who the hell knows. Maybe not. When I don't see or talk to H I am miserable. I get so discouraged. At least when we have these evenings, I feel the slightest hope. I enjoy our times together. I feel like the connection is still there. Maybe it is all false hope. But it feels right to be with H. Not to see him or to "distance" feels so wrong. So how do I do the "distancing" thing?

I have every intention of continuing to do what "I" want. To keep working on me and not to contact H. To enjoy my time with the girls and myself.

Still...Time will tell...