Getting caught up on your recent developments. You and H seem to be getting into a very destuctive dance here. You are playing Mommy and H is playing bad little boy crying out for attention - even if it's negative attention.
YOU have to break the cycle, since it doesn't appear that H can, or if he even wants to stop. You have to establish your boundaries and tell H in no uncertain terms that you are NOT his mother and you don't want to be his mother - you want to be his partner/lover/spouse. Tell him that being his mother and watching out for him is not the job you signed up for. Explain to H that only HE is responsible for his actions. That he needs to take on that responsibility. If he doesn't feel that he can - then he needs to talk to someone (ie. therapist) who can help him face reality and strap it onto his own back - not yours.
This could trigger another panic reaction so be prepared for all kinds of recriminations. Assure H that you do love him and care for him, but that you will not be his mother. This will mean giving up a certain controlling aspect on your part as well - something Floyd touched on earlier.
Your H allowing you to be his mother is very destructive to your R - I was there once myself. I allowed W to take control of things that I didn't want to deal with anymore. I didn't push it to the point of destructive behavior - just complacency - "oh, W will take care of it..." I had to take a long hard look at how low my self esteem was before I realized what I had done. The behavior was also bad for W, it created resentment and taking over of responsibilites that she should not have had to take on. I now own that responsibility. And even if it is 'too little, too late' in the case of my M - I will be better in the long run. Lesson learned, mistake will not be repeated. I am now in charge and take ownership of my decisions - good or bad. H needs to learn the same lesson, and may need professional help to learn it. You, for your part need to let him learn it for himself.
