TOH... I know how you feel...really I do...because I met my H when I was 15...I hadn't even started high school yet!...the summer of love for me...his first real love...I was his first!...even his grandmother, before she died, told him he would marry me...it just seemed we were meant to be...his sister told me after his return that she could never think of him without me...or me without him...she identified us together...but.... he left when I was 42...27 years 1 month 28 days from when we began as a couple...so fast...it ended (or seemed to) just as fast...no real warning...he was tired, stressed, wanted to be left alone...but assured me that we would be together forever...it wasn't me...no other woman...he would not share himself...he would never share his body with another woman... Well...I found out that was a lie...the man I had grown up with...built my life around...the life I dreamed of (for the most part)...the family I wanted...the home I wanted...all of it was gone... Not only did I lose my H but I almost lost my home before we got it sold...I felt like my body had been cut in half...something was always missing...I cried a lot when he first left then got it to where it was only at night before I went to sleep (what sleep I got was sometimes only 3 hours for days on end) and when I would wake up and realize I was living my worst nightmare!... I would cry when I heard songs on the radio...I would cry when I watched TV shows we used to watch together...I would cry when I would pass by places we had shared together as a couple...parks that had special meaning...restaurants that were our favorites... I now know what making a NEW life means...I found out I liked painting ceramics...I found out I could write poetry...I found out I could draw...I found out I liked to go on driving trips and see new places on my own....I found out I liked to try new restaurants...I found out that I could do things I didn't think I could before.... I also saw my mistakes in the M...and even if H wasn't coming back (as he assured me he wasn't everytime he spoke to me until the month before he did come back)I was going to make myself a person that "I" would want to be with...I became more patient...I got a job working with special needs children...something I thought I could never do...but found I had viewed it from the wrong side...this job saved my life...it made me truly value what was important...and understand that things could be so much worse...I had reason to feel blessed and happy even though my H had left me...even though the love that I had always trusted and known from his was gone...even though I could never imagine not being with him ever again...I learned I couldn't control those things...I learned I needed to be the best person I could for myself and anyone around me...when I quit falling over because of all I had lost and stood up for all I had and for what I might be able to get on my own...I started feeling better...I started feeling like there "might" be life for me...happiness for me... the loss was always there...I had to fight it...I looked for happiness in the smallest things...like laying in the warm sun...listening the wind blow through the trees...watching a hummingbird defend his feeder against other hummers...watching the ants....watching a bee collect pollen from flowers... It is work...it is a struggle...but IT IS WORTH YOU...in doing that you will find who you are...you will begin to "feel" your strength and power return...and hopefully in time your H will take note...but your focus stays...he has his own journey now...and you have yours....in order for things to ever be new again with you...you will have to complete the journey...look forward...not back....baby steps....
