Let's put a new coat of paint....

[sage]

SB -- You ARE in a confusing sitch, girl, but you are gonna figure it out (heck, we're going to help). Before I offer my 2 cents again let me say upfront that your H. is making me mad but when I look inside myself and remember that he is acting out of fear, I feel sad for him instead...


OK -- This morning I was listening to Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. In it, he says that when a couple gets into a destructive pattern, it's because they're both gaining something from it -- despite bemoaning that it's "not working". The example that he gave was a jealous wife who constantly questioned her H's whereabouts (obsessively). He said that even tho' they both complained about the situation, W. got constant validation from H. that SHE was the only one and H. got a constant ego boost from W's incessant asking.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because your H's statement that YOU enabled his behavior by not being more suspicious INFURIATES me but I think is also a VERY important clue into some stuff.

For some reason, your H. seems to NEED you to question him -- he makes it sound as though that is the only way for him to keep on the straight and narrow -- but is it more than that? In other words, is it less that he needs you confronting him in order to confess and more that he needs to hear that you care? And he needs to hear it in words?

I'm going to be blunt -- I think that setting up a dynamic where you HAVE to ask the right questions at the right time with the right intesity to KEEP your H. from bad behavior is just not healthy. At least, I know it wouldn't be for me -- so let me say it that way! I don't think that you can (or should) carry the burden for his faithfulness.

What are your thoughts now? I meant to start this post by asking you what YOU think you should do....

I think that this is a powerful phase for you guys -- try not to dwell on what you perceive as H's weakness -- he may just be asking for what he needs...

Sage

Floyd,

I agree with you and MAL that this latest "LIE" was totally fear driven....It just dismays me that he still lies out of fear,and over something that is so very minor (I admire him for helping this woman through a rough patch, I told him so) after everything that happened this week!

But as someone said it probably popped out in a 1/2 second and couldn't be taken back. It is his usual mode and will probably take time, thought, and therapy to break.


Floyd, as for all the questions and pushing on my part, this is exactly what H ASKED ME TO DO!!! Totally anti-DB, I KNOW!

But as I mentioned earlier, he said that when I hauled out the duct tape, didn't raise suspicions I had, over the past half year, that I "enabled" him to continue on that path.

I felt really bad when he said that. Like he couldn't take responsibility, stand up, end things, tell me....unless I made demands and found him out...or, as things turned out both times, until the OW called and spilled the beans.

I felt like all my DBing efforts just dragged this whole thing out. I don't really believe that, frankly, if I'd acted on suspicions this way months ago, I don't know HOW it would have went down. But H says it would have all come out and he would have ended it!!!

Are you starting to see the confusing position I'm in right now?

If I back off, trust him implicitly, I may be "enabling" him to do no good. Remember, please, just how many times I've been lied to.

As for the e-mails, yep you have a point Floyd. I'm a bit compulsive when it comes to saving things...it's not like I read them over and over and ruminate, it's just something I feel compelled to do....lowers my anxiety in the moment.

Plus, I suppose, there is an edge of self-interest, in keeping "evidence" of his follies, should that help me in the dreadful possibility of a future D.


Gotta find some balance somewhere.

Shiny