RJ - I have been checking your thread and thinking that radical honesty might be a start. Like - No H, I don't think more children are a good idea. OR H, we haven't had sex in a year because I haven't initiated, complained or made it happen. I don't plan to be the only one to keep up our SL anymore so if you don't make an effort we won't have a SL (yes folks this is part of the reason we haven't had sex in a year - if I had pressed it we would have and it would be like wanting a hamburger and being told you could only have a cold stale cheese sandwhich - this is the "whole thing"). OR H, I am very unhappy with our lack of SL. I will never be happy in this M without it. What are YOU willing to give?
Lil - you are so right I am lonely.
To the folks who worry that I might be depressed I can tell you that I am but it is what is called "situational" depression. I don't tend to have issues with chronic depression and I rebound fairly quickly from stressors but right now I am admittedly not coping well in an emotional sense with the stressors in my life. OTOH I am sleeping appropriately, eating appropriately, going aboout my life and no one would even think I was sad if they talked to me on the street.
I have been on this thread off and on for a long time. Basically, I have 2 kids from a previous M, 2 with current H and we have grown foster children who also have children making us grandparents by proxy. We have been married 4 yrs, are psychology professionals but neither of us are "counselors" - I work in community mental health in a non-profit environment, H works with businesses in training. My H seems to have a halting, immature approach to sex, has never seemed very comfortable, has been LD except when we were dating or on vacation and definately uses porn to some extent (couldn't say how much).
Thanks to everyone who doesn't think I am an old hag with this baby. He is beautiful and I adore him.
I do think that H is having a sort of MLC. I think he wants the big piece of property (very expensive in a bedroom community of Baltimore) to build a "legacy". I see his focus currently as being on everything but an intimate R with me.
I need to digest things for a minute and think on solutions.
I'm not going to be able to meet up with Heather this week. (My company found some proect work for me :() Are you???? It might be good to be able to talk IRL with someone who understands what's going on.
Last edited by fearless; 09/22/0701:50 PM.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I lost track of what Heather's actual plan was going to be. I would love to see her but realistically I doubt it will happen. I will check in on her thread though.
I know it must seem to people that are new here that I started a rant without pre-amble (most people already know my story) but I guess I am to the point where I am worn out of H's inaction and I feel like it is less a case of me being a big baby and "taking my ball and going home" and more a case of me really coming into my own. I know who I am and he either learns to appreciate it or he doesn't.
For religious reasons (like Cemar and others here) I'm not going anywhere and H knows it. It almost seems funny to say because I did leave xH despite the religious reasons and I am satisfied that I did the right thing and made my peace with it but I cannot do that again (barring some unforseen catastrophe of mythic proportions) so there is no teeth to any statement like "I will not stay in a SSM" because I will and I do and H and I both know it.
I am almost 40 and it is time for me to figure out where I am going within this M if it never changes or what boundaries I must draw to be here with integrity. Boundaries, assertion of self and the like are the things I struggle with most as a person and they are my failures within both marriages.
A funny thing - my 10 yo just changed the channel and stopped on that scene in Top Gun where the guys are playing volleyball and commented "cool". It seems from that and many other things that I have probably spawned a mini-me HD daughter and it will be my luck that DD3 probably will be too. Whew!!!
I'm trying to keep up with your posts b/c I care so much what is going on with you. I don't know how you get so much life crammed into a 24 hour period. I wonder if you and H are just over committed to everything and everyone else around you and it is draining your own R?
I became a mother by 19....and was totally unprepared...hadn't even been married an entire year yet. I was a grandmother a few months before I turned 40 and most people thought our GS was our baby....which was kind of fun. The point is, that we more or less raised him due to his mom being in such bad health. But, you know what I realized? I made him a better "mother" than I did my own children b/c of maturity I had developed by the time he was born. I have heard school teachers say that they can tell children that were born to parents later in life b/c of the more GC traits they have....which you are probably familiar with the terms. I think they just mean that grandparents are more mellow and aren't as strict with the grandchildren as with their own children. But again my point is that you can't do anything about the age thing and as long as you are happy about your baby boy....enjoy him to the fullest. I think you are already doing that, it's just you are stressed by too much on your plate and not enough rest and quality time with your H.
I gather that he kind of has to be on vacation or something to get in the mood, so apparently he gets situational depressed or everything that is going on has stressed him out a lot. Becoming a parent again at this time of your life can be a shocker to some people.....and men are certainly no exception. If he was thinking that at last the two of you may be able to start thinking about planning for retirement (not that you were getting anywhere near that, but you know what I mean) or just having more time alone without the pressures of a new baby.....it can do things to people.
Also, even though you love your job.....it must be hard to leave some of that at the office. That is why I could not do that type of work, b/c I would carry it around with me all the time and my mind would be on the other people's stituations and cause my own to get way too stressed out.
Everyone needs somebody to talk to.....as I'm sure you know that in your line of work. So, perhaps you don't know who to talk to about your stitch.....but now you have us, so please come here as much as you can to just talk.
I can tell by the responses that you touched hearts, Karen. So, you've got people here that care a lot.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Karen, first off, almost 40 isn't too old to have a kid. Mrs GGB was 41 and 42 for our last two. Yeah, we don't have the energy we did in our late 20's when we had the first ones, but we do have the first ones to help out. My brother's wife was 42 when she had her first, and 45 for her second. She's a great mother. Nope, 40+ is still young enough to be a good mom, and with life expectancies these days, you'll likely be around to see your grandchildren from your baby. Now that's not to say it is as easy as having them earlier. Frick and Frack are completely wearing us down, especially S3 who is far more active than any of his older siblings were. He also sees his older siblings doing things that are not appropriate for a 3yo, but he thinks he can do it anyway. So anyway, Ithink Corri was onto something telling me to find my own happiness. Do you have room in your life to find the things that make you happy and pursue them?
Okay, I'm going to open my big mouth once and then shut up forever. Here goes. My gut feeling is that your husband is gay. The only way to know for sure is to check out what kind of porn he looks at or look him in the eyes and straight-up ask him for the truth.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Okay, I'm going to open my big mouth once and then shut up forever. Here goes. My gut feeling is that your husband is gay. The only way to know for sure is to check out what kind of porn he looks at or look him in the eyes and straight-up ask him for the truth.
WHAT ??? Where did this come from? So can we assume that since all the LD women out there are not that interested in sex that they are lesbians ???
I think if K's H were gay, he would be displaying some sort of sexuality in some way. He'd have these needs and they would be hidden, but in some way or another, they would eventually come out. To me, it sounds like K's H is more immature and undeveloped in his sexuality and is avoidant of the whole thing.
To me, it sounds like K's H is more immature and undeveloped in his sexuality and is avoidant of the whole thing.
You may be right but the thing that strikes me about Karen's husband is that he is mature, manly and non-avoidant in most other ways. Also, her description of their sexual interactions reminds me of my sister's description of her sexual interactions with a BF who later came out. Quite possibly I am way off base but it does happen that gay people try to repress their identities and marry straight people and it seems to me that it could happen that the straight spouse might end up on this BB.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Well, in any case, the best thing to do is to keep shaking the tree and waiting for the coconuts to fall...this worked for GEL and eventually for me. Unfortunately I got hit on the head.
