Sb -- I'm sorry for the blow. I hope that you and H. are doing MUCH better this morning. The physical response that your H. had sounds truly frightening. Is he taking care of himself? That sounds to me like the first order of business that needs to be addressed.

I think you've gotten a lot of wise advice here but I'll throw in a cent or two... You and H. have just recently had a major breakthrough -- disclosure of continued contact with ow. Seems to me like it's going to take some time for H. to shed other behaviors -- the lying, the questionable contact with other folks (not saying that the email you saw was necessarily "off limits" but you know what I mean). When you asked H. about the email, I'm sure it took him all of half a second to lie to you -- why? Because that's what he's used to, I think. And, once it was out of his mouth, it's impossible to take back.

I know how difficult it is to wonder if your H. is "up to the task" of loving you the way you want and need to be loved -- here's a thought that I had yesterday -- maybe it will comfort you too. I WILL have a relationship that is loving, intimate and faithful. Period. And, I realize that I have lots of work to do myself in order to be ready for that, to be able to have it. In the process, I will stand beside and behind my H. in the hopes that he will do whatever work he needs to do to have the same. I'm not sure I'm being clear here -- I guess that my overall message is that YOU will be OK no matter what. I promise you that. I'm not saying that it will be painfree or easy but that you will get through this strong and whole.

I love Jackie's (Dagny's) post and feel that I would be well served by reading it over and over and over again. Try to treat both you and H. with as much gentleness and compassion as you possibly can, SB. Your H. is weak or spineless...he's afraid. You can be the guardian for his fear...

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.