Quoting shinybear: Talked to H about it, D's comments, and my dream. Even got into a bunch of other stuff (he agreed to the financial open book ), without arguing or things getting too tense.
It seems best when I share with him the things that are bothering me, how others are feeding into my fears etc.
So a bunch of "tough stuff" dealt with for one Sunday, and no sense of distancing or set back.
Are we breaking all the DB guidelines here or what?
Shiny
SB -- Hey, DB'ing is about "what works" right? I think in the beginning of DB'ing, it's advised (and makes sense) to be more of a closed book -- keeping thoughts and anxieties to oneself -- both to avoid the "pursuing" behavior and also to be somewhat mysterious -- but, I think once you get to piecing and S. is back "in the fold" one has to start getting some stuff out on the table.
Hope you are doing ok with the ups and downs!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage is right. In the beginning, it is best to try to avoid these types of things, but eventually you have to find solutions to them right? Once you get to this stage, I think it is time to slowly work back into fixing the problems.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
H went to the doctor today to get a note saying he is fit to return to work, meaning the end of sick leave etc.
When he got home, something made me ask if he'd recieved any e-mails from OW. She hadn't called, all the phone messages were on the machine as promised.
He said he'd not been on his e-mail, but would check it later. That didn't sit well with me, and I asked if we could check it together. H was resistant, but did give me his e-mail password.
I checked it. There were no messages from OW, but there was one suspicious message. He was right here with me, and told me that it was nothing but junk mail (which 5 of the 6 messages were). I said I was going to reply to the 6th and he grew very agitated and angry, wanting me to move so he could disable the account.
Strange, since he was willing for it to die a natural death in 30 days, same thing he said in November.
I insisted. I said I couldn't trust him until I found out what that message was about. (it said something along the lines of "Where's my doodle? I need a doodle fix, hearts hearts....)
I replied with "who are you?" To which she replied very personally. After a couple of those kinds of exchanges, I informed her that I was H's wife.
Long story short, she's someone from the chatline who he befriended, and helped through a suicide attempt over a year ago.
I was very relieved that in our subsequent exchanges, she spoke of only a friendship, of having warned H about the OW. I believe it all. Seems she reached out again 2 weeks ago when she changed her e-mail address and was just checking in with him.
The real problem is....H LIED AGAIN! Saying that that message was "just junk mail". He could have told me there and then who she was! But again he was afraid, panicked.
He said he "just wished that would all disappear". This is sounding way too familiar....he "just wished" all of our R problems would disappear without him having to do anything about them, he "just wished" that the OW would disappear so he wouldn't have to deal with that.
CRAP!!!
After I printed out the e-mails with this latest "pal" I asked H about her. It all adds up, and she does sound like a decent person.
But H was inconsolable, had a panic attack in front of my eyes. Didn't want me to touch him. I brought him some water, cried, and sat by his side until it passed.
I asked him what I could do for him. He said "let me play music" so the stereo is cranked right now. I did reassure him that this didn't mean "the end" or anything of the sort. I told him I love him and kissed him on the forehead.
Is this a pathological problem for him? Will he ever feel strong enough to stand up and face things?????????
About the email, h was probably embarassed... Let him slide on this, and you keep from checking up on him... Let him have some dignity...
Let him know all you want is honesty... Reassure him that he can tell you the truth... Let him be able to trust that you aint gonna go off, and double check on him...
SB he created the serious offense, however in his eyes he needs to trust you too...
You did ok for the most part... Just develope a new game plan... Like maybe just sit in the puter room doing something else not paying full attention to h next time he goes online...
Actually, I NEVER impose on H when he's on the computer. I don't even glance into the room.
I agree with the gist of your message, however. I was just taken aback by his continued denial, the fact that that he KNEW I handled the crap from OW last week with such compassion, yet couldn't admit to an old e-friendship! Especially after demanding "total honesty" from me!!!!
SB, It's just so hard to find the trust again, isn't it?
I find things all over the place and he always has a logical explanation. Why can't they just be honest? In my sitch, I know that he isn't because of my reaction when he is. I tell H that I want honesty and when he tells me something I don't like, I freak out! I mean, I go ballistic. Why would he tell me things when he knows he's gonna get an earful?
If you find the answer, let me know. I could use the help .
Erin
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
-George Bernard Shaw
SB, Hard to tell from here. But maybe H was afraid of what you might say. He may still think you don't trust him. He really betrayed your trust big time, and he understands the significance of that. It won't be earned easily. He was afraid I think - afraid of how many times you will forgive him for what he has done. That is also a cause for the depression/panic. He is ashamed and afraid of losing you.
IMHO...not that I am the expert. But I know how I've seen my H act, and I'm starting to see patterns.
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
), without arguing or things getting too tense. 
.