There and Back, #6

[mkultra]

Don't you dare and just assume they are together and deal with it that way. I wish I could see your house and have a play date with your kids! I hear that kids in separation really thrive if they can play with other kids of single parent homes. They do not even have to talk about divorce or separation. They just need to know it happens to other kids too.

If you want to focus on Vegas, do it. Talk about it until it is exorcised from your heart. Purge away. That is what we are here for, troubles big and small. But know this, no trist or fling with a hussy anywhere can take the place of time spent at home snuggling with the wife and kids on a cool fall day. I know that we are the biggest threat to affairs everywhere, but who gives a sh#$.

They suck if they are having an affair. If they continue they will be old and alone. New grass becomes old grass. Upgrade.

[SallyM]

mk, wish you lived closer, would definitely have to schedule a playdate.

I've started reading them this kids book that my friend sent me (it said divorce in 3 places, which me and my black sharpie changed to read separation). its a really sweet story, and the kids listen to it really intently...not much talk about it yet, but I think it helps normalize their situation a bit.

its sad, because the kids wanted to read sleeping beauty for bedtime tonight. its a condenced version, and as I was reading it, I couldn't help but think of H and OW. they have a love story. this isn't some fling for him, he is in love with her. at least he thinks he is in love with her, which is enough, really, to make it a love story. they have a history together, and a future that they are building. who knows if it will last, but right now, that's where they are.

No, I did not call the hotel and really don't plan to. btdt in the past, trust me, it doesn't do anything but hurt. I did, however, pop in my wedding video. a few weeks ago I watched the ceremony part, watched the rest of it (reception) tonight. it was really weird watching it. I've watched it many times since finding out about the affair, but it was weird, tonight I hardly even recognized us. I just realize now how far we are from that couple on the screen. I had a good cry, a couple of laughs, some more tears, and then just told myself it was time to let this go. time to pack it away and truly let this go...this chapter of my life is over.

[LL44]

morgan, heck my H isn't even with OW right now (to my knowledge LOL) and I am having a hard time not thinking about him. You are more than allowed to have your mind wander about this weekend. You were thrown off by him breaking down and not knowing what that's all about. Don't assume he is focusing on the future and coming to a 'close' with you. That might not be it at all.

BUT.....wanted to say, I totally know how you feel about H getting sad when they think of divorcing, but the 'sad' ONLY being about the kids. When I kicked H out when he confessed, he cried, but I still to this day think its because he was going to miss the girls, not over me. I suppose that's good in a way, because no matter what happens, I want (as I am positive you do too) H to always remain the wonderful father he is, and to stay attached to them.

Drink your wine, have your thoughts, and make peace.

PS: Sorry about your AC. Remember, no comments to H about it, fix or don't fix, but its your decision.

[nephartiti]

Morgan,

I'm glad Oz was a hit!

Ok, now, no more speculation. We both know where that takes us--Crazyland. Just try to let it go. Stay in the present reality that is yours, not theirs. This is a VERY hard area for me too. I analyze everything to death. Ninety percent of the time I have it all wrong. Keep focusing on you, remember?

What you shared about your wedding video saddened me. I have looked at our wedding pics and wondered what happened to that beaming couple? I have read many people here that say the M as we knew it is dead. When our H's come back, you rebuild a new marriage. It's ok to close the chapter. It doesn't mean you have to close the book. Things can still turn around. Keep your chin up.

[Reincarnated]

Morgan--
So, here we are, in the exact same moment in space and time. Except my H isn't even crying (that I know of). Happy as a lark with his choice; no crying or remorse.

He won't talk to me or see me; even the emails are cold.

He is skipping his nephew's birthday party to go away with her.

I know that sometimes, we just have to feel the hurt and the pain. But I hope that you are feeling it for a while, then getting onto something else. I actually use a timer--no more than 1/2 hour. Then, off to bed or get busy doing something.

Remember, they CAN'T think about us--we are the mirror, showing them the reality of their terrible choices and failures. They don't see us at all right now, just how much they screwed up.

I'm thinking about you and your kids today--and looking forward to the event!

If I get a chance to go up towards your neck of the woods before that, I will make sure to let you know.

Hold on...

[SallyM]

thanks, donna. hope you are doing well today, good luck at the party.

doing okay today...just tired, the kids were up all night last night (not nightmares, just random issues). we're up at my parents right now, just went apple picking...so much fun. doing well not focusing on H. yes, I noticed that he didn't call this morning, and the kids definitely noticed, but really after watching the tape last night I seemed to close that chapter, at least for now. seeing/recognizing how far we have come from those people in tape helps. before, when I've watched it, I still clung to him as that man in the tape...now I see how far away he is from that person.

enough about him. I am keeping them busy and having a good weekend with them.

and can I just say, if anyone needs to laugh and hasn't watched it, rent Arrested Development. omg, that is one funny show.

[nephartiti]

Morgan, I have been sorting through stuff from storage all day. I have come accross so many pictures, wedding momentos, and things that just bring back so many memories. I see pictures and H is beaming. He looks so happy. I was looking of one with him holding s2 when he was just 2 days old. My H has aged so much in two years. I hardly recognize him in the pictures. Even his smile is different.

Anyway, I can relate to having to let go of that image and realizing they are not the same people anymore. Even if they come back, it will never be the same.

[SallyM]

neph, its hard to go thru that stuff, isn't it? but can be good...can help release them, too. all part of the grieving process, I guess.

I had a pretty good day today. really a nice time at my folks house and apple picking, but the kids were crabby/tired by the time we got home. got them a quick snack (early dinner at mom and dads) then ready for bed and H called...when I answered the phone he was in the midst of a conversation with "someone" who was with him. no, I didn't ask. do I really need to? he was telling whomever (cough, gag) about how cute the kids are when they say goodnight to him each night.

just made me want to scream. again, I'm working on detaching, but obviously not there yet. just sucks, I hate that they are together, but really hate when he talks about the kids to her. I was short with him, the kids were crabby/whiney, he asked why, and I told him briefly that they were tired and that they were sad because they miss him...both true. and that was that...I hung up. not in a mean way, just in a busy way, with whiney kids in the background. I know I would have been better served to have acted as if, but hey, we all slip, right?

I start every freaking day with my kids asking for him/sad that daddy doesn't live at home anymore. I hear it throughout the day. I watch my daughter blow wishes on freaking dandelions and each and every one of them is for daddy to come home. and yet, I keep it together. I keep the kids together, I am open and make it safe for them to express their sadness. I take care of this house...every thing about it, even the stuff I don't know how to do. I try to keep all the freaking balls in the air. and I'm just tired, and annoyed because he's off having a good time with freaking OW, and yeah, he gets sad and upset and overwhelmed at times...but all because of his own freaking choices.

feel free to replace every one of those freakings, btw. trust me, its not what I am actually saying.

just crabby because it was a lousy reminder of him with her, and how far apart we are. he couldn't even wait till he was alone for 5 minutes to call his kids, he had to do it with her there. well f him. f him.

breathing in, breathing out.

now that the rant is over...

just bored, frustrated, tired, lonely tonight. I know I have good life, considering. I know i am blessed. going to count my blessings.

but I also need a break. I need to get away. I need to have some fun on my own. I need to feel like more than just mommy, the dumped woman left at home.

[mkultra]

Let's picture him telling an old crabby pit boss how cute his kids are. Conjecture cured. I never visualize my H ina happy place but rather always in a pathetic, lonely, sad place.

You should do something that does not make you feel tired, lonely, bored, frustrated. Find your mojo and feel sexy again. This might sound lame but you could change your hair? I dunno I am bad at that girly stuff but they say that in Cosmo. That lipstick and hair makes us feel better.

Your D still make those wishes? I wondered why mine stopped wishing that. Now she wishes for a dog. BUT strangely enough my neighbor wishes that my H would come back healthy. That is the funniest thing I ever heard! A neighbor wants to see us have a happy ending.

Morgan, What is your happy ending? Do you see your H asking what would it take for him to come home? Do you see him easing into a Marriage Retreat to work on the issues from the seperation? I never hear you waiting for a Prince Charming like me. That is probably best. You are more realistic.

[SallyM]

I like your version, better, mk. unfortunately, yeah, I do picture them in an idealized way (idealized for them, for me, well, hey, it would be different). need to remind myself its not all sunshine and roses. just feels that way sometimes.

I know I need to do something. I need to feel sexy/pretty/fun again. I had a great time last weekend, felt pretty, had a blast, all was good. now I'm back to feeling frumpy.

yeah, D makes those wishes still, so do my sons, but right now she is the worst. they all really miss their daddy so much, and really wish that he would come back home. they don't usually talk about this stuff with him, because he's not receptive to it, and makes that obvious. but I am their safe harbor, so they do with me. do you think your D has stopped with the wishes, or stopped telling you about them? very sweet of your neighbor, btw.

you have given me something to think about, mk. what is my happy ending? hmmm. it seems to change, depending on my mood. my therapist wants me to do the "at the end of your life, look back, what do you want to see there" thing. should work on that, too.

am I waiting for prince charming? I don't know. I know I do believe in happily ever after. and I guess there is a part of me that secretly wishes prince charming would come along and sweep me off my feet and make everything wonderful. I'm romantic and miss romance in my life. I miss sex (yeah, I know, god knows I have let everyone here know that), but I also miss the little things...holding hands, and evening walks, and pillow talk. I miss having someone care for me. you have written before about how your h should be protective of you. I miss that...I miss having a protector. someone I can trust, who would be that knight in shining armour if needed. and I miss taking care of a man, too.

so maybe there is a part of me that wishes for prince charming. but I guess there is also a part of me that is really understanding that I need to stand on my own, I need to trust in myself, and to be all I need in life. and honestly I'm getting more and more comfortable being on my own, for the most part.

there was a gilmore girls ep on recently where lorelai is talking to luke and she's saying how much she likes being single in some ways...she likes that she doesn't have to fight anyone for the remote, and she can do this or that without answering to anyone. I'm understanding the good in that more and more. but then she went on to say that it would be nice to have someone there to pick up the slack, to lean on when things got tough, to share life's burdens with, along with the joys. and that, well, that is me.

wow, I'm getting wordy tonight. will stop because I'm not sure if I'm making sense.