Well, my situation is summarized in footer, but here is the latest update.
I feel as if I have tried very hard to DB and had another session today. Made point that I need to decide if I want him back or not as I cannot achieve a goal if I am not sure what I want. I've been feeling on the fence. DB C said I need to put down the weapons as anger is one of them. The goal that I didn't do too well with was being friendlier.
The difficulty w/being friendly is that it has been hard for me to feel friendly when H is painting in garage, doing OW's laundry here--ESPECIALLY THAT--and leaving the place a mess. It makes me angry and it's hard for me to feel friendly when I feel used.
DB C suggested that H care for D1 at his place. (H had said that was what he wanted anyway.) So I brought up when I got home. That discussion did not go well. I put it as something D1.5 would need to get used to anyway. H complained about his small place, not being ready for D1.5 to be there, etc.. H left angry, saying he would get house, sick of my passive aggressiveness, and wanted D and would look into it.
H now says he wants D, not LS. I think that is from MIL. ILs are in town this weekend. MIL had said something about OW not going away. DB counselor advises trying to keep mouth shut re. H or OW w/ILs.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Did the DB C say anything about setting boundaries?
I have to say that I agree with you...doing OW laundry at my house would be a line that could not be crossed (but in all honesty, I have not been faced with that situation so I am not really sure what I would do...I always said I would divorce H if he had an A, but I'm not doing that, so...)
You know, Breton, it is hard to be friendly when you have so much crap being thrown in your face. Are you able to make a decision, whether if it is that you want him back, or if you want to be friends, or whatever, under these conditions? I think this is just such a tough position to be in and deal with, let alone making major decisions such as these.
I understand what the coaches are trying to say, and I try to follow, and for the most part, I can. But, we are all human and sometimes can't be our best when they are at their worse....
No, I think H seems to be upset w/me. I said I wanted some space. Maybe that was a mistake?
Perhaps H is panicking on the D thing? I do not know. If anything, he seems to want to take it faster now and does not waiver at all. When he said that, I just looked at him and quietly said OK. I move back and forth between not knowing what I want--would it be for best? maybe
I do believe that being D cannot possibly be worse than being ignored as much as I felt it. However, as things weren't always that way, maybe I need to think about how things used to be more.
ILs are taking D1.5 to the zoo tomorrow. At that time I am getting my hair cut (and colored a bit, if I have time) and will try to get a bit of alone time.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I agree with what w8ing said. There has to be some boundaries set, whether you are DB'ing or not. Doing ow's laundry at your home is inappropriate to say the least. This shouldn't continue. He needs to do it elsewhere. Find a laundromat for goodness' sake. Your H is very much in replay right now and could be stuck there for quite some time. I wouldn't worry too much about what he says re: D because we've all heard that threat thrown around at various times. He was in a bad mood, thus he said no LS; I want a D. He'll probably have changed his mind again tomorrow. Please set some boundaries with him. Take care of yourself most of all!
Last edited by hopefloats7; 09/22/0701:37 AM.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
W8 "Are you able to make a decision, whether if it is that you want him back, or if you want to be friends, or whatever, under these conditions?"
No, W8. That is why I need some space. I think it would also be good for him to have space from me, too. Perhaps H will miss me a little. As of now, shows no sign of it. Seldom seems to linger.
But H has OW and I do not--he likely will not get lonely.
Snodderly, do you have any comments? I feel lost as I have been working so hard.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Breton - I don't know, but it sounds like you handled it well. I don't think there is a problem with telling him that you need space. DBing doesn't mean that you do whatever he wants or allow him to control you. If you need space - take it. It sounds like it is a good idea.
I am in a similar situation as you - only I don't get the bad mood. I get nothing. No emotion, little to no communication, no signs of missing me, constant ignoring, no indication at all that this is affecting him. It is hurtful.
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I move back and forth between not knowing what I want--would it be for best? maybe
Is this a decision that you need to make right now? Certainly if H files, protect your interests...but if you are going back and forth, that indicates to me that you are not ready to make a decision. Just because he is moving or wants to move fast doesn't mean that you have to. Don't feel forced to make decisions that you are not ready to, if there is no reason to....
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But H has OW and I do not--he likely will not get lonely.
I feel the same way that you do here. Between friends that have stuck by him and, what I strongly suspect is the OW, when will he miss me? But then I do read other posts here and get a sliver of hope - WAS coming home after affairs. So I hold on to my sliver, but go about trying to live my life.
You sound like you are going through a rough period right now. What can you do that may help to get your mind off of this for a few hours?
This may have been posted somewhere else, but does the MIL have an issue with you? Does she hurt or help your situation?
BTW - I do agree with the DB coach about refraining from saying something to the ILs about H or OW. While there may be exceptions - blood is thicker than water.....
I have been very close to my ILs for 25 years and in fact, knew them before H. They have always treated me like a D.
They called me after H told them of our impending D. They said they loved me and still wanted me in their family.
However, I know that at Thanksgiving time, H will be sitting at their table instead of me....blood is thicker than water.....
I don't blame them for this...but he is their son.
