What I'm hearing from you is that my "constructive" criticism -- because that is honestly what it is -- is unwelcome unless it comes equally with praises. Am I hearing this correctly? Can you honestly tell me I didn't comment on the positives in the past on your previous threads or give you tons of support when your H was being such an ass (and I've even recently said that he continues to be -- but this isn't about him)? The only reason I haven't commented on all of the positives in your sitch recently is because, honestly, I haven't seen many of them when I check in with you. I'm sorry, but it seems that way to me (and it is also because I don't check in as often as I used to -- maybe I have missed more of the postives). Nonetheless, I feel like you need more 2x4s than validation for your actions at this point. You've been on these boards for nearly a year and are IMHO not where you need to be interaction-wise with H. Maybe it is because you react with him before you reflect and think about how you should respond, and if that is the case then maybe that is something to practice working on. However, if you think my opinion is wrong, then that is a different story altogether.
You get plenty of support from others without ANY constructive criticism whatsoever, and when I see that -- knowing full well that mistakes are being made -- I feel it is necessary to be the bearer of not-so-pleasant news and advice. Do you think I'm being mean and attacking you when I do this (because that isn't my intention at all)? I know you don't like to hear it, but can you at least embrace it and reflect on it for your own sake? Pride is an ugly thing, and we must be willing to acknowledge our own failings if we are going to grow. God (since you mentioned him) cannot do all of the work -- you too must carry some of the weight yourself at some point -- when will that point be? You have free will -- you can make the choice to change your behaviors, but you must acknowledge the necessity to do so.
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Also, why sugar coat my H's R by calling her his GF.
chicki, you're not sugar coating it. It is the reality -- she is H's girlfriend. You are his legal W and you know this. By your reasoning, does it mean that any couple living together is married? (that is a rhetorical question, btw) You even admitted that you are only "calling" her his W. Now, ask yourself why you're calling her this? Can you honestly say it is has NOTHING to do with getting under H's skin and playing mind games? Can you say that doing this is a perfectly healthy way to interact with your H? If he isn't your H anymore, why call him such? You are tiptoeing around that big pink elephant in your living room, and that pink elephant is YOUR BEHAVIOR and COMMUNICATION with H.
Also, I want to mention that the jealousy factor that you are blatantly and overtly using on your H isn't healthy in a R/M either (I know, more 2x4s). Equally, it isn't a healthy tactic to win a S back. Jealousy has NO PLACE in a happy and healthy M, and it will only achieve a short term purpose (if a person is lucky -- or unlucky) of winning them back, and it will cause the person who uses it a long term price of lack of forgiveness and trust. You don't want someone to come back out of jealousy, but out of sincere love. The two have no relationship with one another. Please take this into consideration -- using a new (or imaginary) relationship with an OP certainly isn't a condoned DB tactic (have you read DR? I didn't see that you responded to that), and any good R counselor will tell you it isn't healthy for your M in the long run either.
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TV and society and MEN have made it seem so morally right and almost like a REWARD to men to have GFs. All these shows like SOPRANOS & BIG LOVE make men/women beleive its acceptable and almost down right GLAMOUROUS to live this lifestyle.
chicki, that stuff is TELEVISION. Anyone with half a brain and a moral bone in their body KNOWS it isn't an acceptable lifestyle to have an A on the side of a M. The above statement is simply another unwarranted justification for your actions, IMHO. You're still not willing to admit when you've gone wrong, and are making no effort to change your wrong actions as a result. I'm being blunt here, but am giving you my honest and sincere opinion(s).
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I can understand you wanting to help but everyone likes to hear when they do good even if it is only once in a blue moon.
You are hearing when you do good from everyone who posts on your thread. I'm only one person, and I believe what I have to say is needed more than simply reinforcing what others are already patting you on the back for. If you ask others on this board, you will here that when I see something that I believe a DBer needs to acknowledge, consider, address, etc, I say it -- even if it is a downer for them and/or others. That is what people on this board should be doing, I believe. Again, I see what I've recently commented on is more necessary in your sitch right now (and so did Nikki, who is a wise-DBer and is piecing in her M right now). Maybe I can do a better job of stopping by more often and giving you support when I see the positives, but as your thread states, your sitch is DRAMA, and that is mostly why I haven't stopped by as much -- nothing seems to really change, and nothing I say is accepted and worked on. It is frustrating to stop by and see "more of the same" behaviors. Is my advice wrong? If it is, then I can understand. However, I haven't been shown how it is, and can say with conviction that I don't believe it is either. If you (or anyone for that matter) believes my points are wrong, I will listen to why.
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WoW! GD!
So you have not reverted back to your old ways NOT ONCE!!! I wish I were perfect like that
I sense your sarcasm here. I hope I didn't make it sound like I was perfect, and am sorry if I came across that way. However, I can honestly say I haven't reverted to my old self with W since discovering DBing. Does that make me perfect? NO -- I still make many mistakes in many other areas. However, I have seen the magnitude and affect that my past actions and behaviors have had on my R/M, and this humility has dropped me to my knees with shame. I have taken it upon myself to NEVER revert back to those "more of the same" behaviors that helped to dismantle and destroy my M. I was a horrible person at times, and I've seen -- and continue to see -- much of my old self in your H (and I've with shame and humility, admitted this to you in the past). This shameful, horrible monster, I finally faced, and it is only because I faced it, owned it, and vowed to let it go and move on to a better me, that I have been able to avoid reverting back to it. I will NEVER be that person again, either in my R with my W, or any new R that may come about. It IS NOT who I want to be, and that keeps me from reverting back to it. So, to proudly answer your question, no I haven't done so even once. I did it enough in my M to last 10 lifetimes. That is enough for me.
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YOU only write to me when according to you I have failed again.
Do you not agree with me when I've said I believe you've made mistakes in certain areas? Again, I only do so because a) I believe it is helpful for you to hear it (if you'll embrace it), and b) because no one else seems to. The latter is fine -- how everyone else responds and posts is their business -- I just try to say what I believe is the right thing to do when I post. Maybe I'm off the mark, and am willing to here arguments for such posts. If you don't appreciate and value my posts the way I write them, then I will not post them to you. That is perfectly okay, though I hope that won't be the case. That being said, please don't ask me to respond in ways that are suitable for you, because my doing so would not be genuine and would be, to some degree, "sugarcoating" -- something you disagree with doing. If I see reasons for positives, I will post them (I promise), but I will not go fishing for them in an empty pond.
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You have kids? I hope you dont father them this way? I hope you dont just repermand when done wrong and never praise when they have done good?
Quite honestly, that was a low blow and completely unnecessary. Please don't bring my kids or parenting skills into this discussion. The way I raise and communicate with my kids is much different from the way I communicate with a 38 yr old adult such as yourself. That comment honestly hurt my feelings. I know that I'm a great dad (didn't have one of my own, so I'm making sure to be one for my kids), and I actually probably smother my kids with too much love, validation, pats on the back, etc. I have them the majority of the time (4-5 days a week), and from the time they were born and until the separation, I have made EVERY dental and immunization appt AND taken them to EVERY one. I have given them 80% or more of their baths. I have signed them up AND taken them to every gymnastics class and swim lesson. I have taken them to daycare and picked them up 95% or more of the time. I have cooked them dinner 95% or more of the time, and I have spent the most quality time with them as a parent. Taking shots at my role and job as a father is hurtful, and is completely unrelated to this discussion. You are not my child, chicki, so of course my communication with you will be different.
chicki -- I know that you are not happy with my recent posts, but I will continue to stand by them. I didn't write them to be mean, I didn't attack you, etc. I stated what I felt you needed to hear/read about your "behavior," not your character. We are all here to help each other, and that is what I have tried to do. I sincerely hope you can see this. I'm disappointed that our recent communication has come to what it has, but again I stand by what I said about your role in your communication with H. PLEASE take it into consideration. I'm sorry it didn't come across in a pleasant manner -- I really did only mean for it to help you. I hope to talk with you under more pleasant circumstances in the future. Sorry for the very long post.
