Ok Psch I am going to try to decipher that for you and I think it means that she does not want to move her stuff out yet. She is saying there is no rush for her to be getting her things out of your place. That is what I take it to me so I think this could be a good sign myself.
I think that if the D is not brought up on Sunday then you should just do option #3. I mean you still have plenty of time and her moving out is fairly new. My MC said it takes 6-8 weeks for the person that moved out to actual start to miss the person they left. For the first month or so there is nothing but relief and that is why they tend to distance themselves so much. They may not at first but then they slowly do and then they begin to come back once that 6-8 weeks has passed. After that relief feeling is gone and they actually start to really think about what happened and what is going to happen is when we really need to have the most patience. I think that for Sunday you should just go with the flow and give her some time and space. I would not mention the OM at all just in case there really is nothing there and that could just make her upset and you could lose some of the ground you have gained.
Does that make sense? I know that is going to be tough but remember I am here for you. And I will definitely be sending you happy helpful vibes on Sunday. Hang in there I know you can do it.
We met up Sunday and had a reasoably friendly, if strained, conversation. I sort of let her take the reins, and asked how she was feeling. She told me she still felt the same - did not see a way back for us, and had not really asked for a divorce yet because she had not had time given all the emotions of the past 8 weeks, to really think and understand the consequences of that. We talked it through, and I told her that while I did not want a divorce and I still wanted her back, I would remain in the marriage even though she might finally say its over, and not force through a divorce as long as she signed a financial seperation agreement - so she can get her GC next year. I think that went down well as she is clearly preturbed by it. The last thing I want is that impact to impact her decision process.
Then I read her a scripted note which basically said........ I love you so much, but it takes 2 to have the courage and the determination to make a marriage work, and that my agape love alone would not be enough if she wasn't willing to accept it. I told her that it felt to me she really did feel it was over, and I did mention the OM and told her that while I did not want or need to know the detail, I knew something was happening and that if she had been serious about our marriage, she never would have let that happen. Then told her that despite that, I would still take her back, and put every ounce of love and energy into making her and me happy. I re-enforced that I understood the part I had played in the marriage problem, but that having examined and admitted my mistakes, I could walk away with my head held high. I would go on and find someone who would return these qualities and love me for me, and I told her that whatever happens, I would try to always be there for her as a friend, a should er to cry on, etc etc.
It was all very emotional, lots of tears, and we sort of talked it out for 30 mins or so. It basically comes down to trust - she sees I am now the man she always wanted, but she feels that because I hurt her emotionally so much, she now cannot TRUST me to remain true to my promises. Very sad really but I understand - trust is everything.
When she left, she agreed to take the box into which I have put a lot of memories, and a lot of special things we shared. She opened that Monday night and texted me with a very emotional msg saying how nice it was.
Its really her call now. I have not spoken or texted her since Monday, and I intend not to so she has her time to decide whether to step forward with me one inch at a time (I told her she did not have to move back in etc), or look me in the eyes and tell me that she is definetly done, whereupon we shall start compiling the legal financial seperation papers.
How do I feel now - actually ok. Did I DB this week with this process - yes and no in equal measure. I think I can hold my head high, I think I have made the decision to leave as difficult for her as is possible, but if she leaves, I feel I have started the detachment process and can move on because thats the only choice I will have.
Yes I still hope for the future, but I will in the meantime start to live my life again, and the future will take care of itself.
Thanks for listening.
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
That's actually pretty good stuff. Not textbook DB probably but compassionate and effective and truthful. Again, I see a lot of parellels b/n your sitch and my own. I know my W still cares for me, it's the lack of trust that I can hold true to the things I have changed that's causing her to continue her walk away. I think if you actually believe everything you just said, if you really feel those things then you're in a good spot.
Psch - Glad to see you are back. I have been thinking of you this week and wondering how it was going. I agree with Bryan that if you still feel the way you say then you did everything right. It is how you feel afterwards that really matters.
Advice needed - so its now been 3 days of radio silence, and some of my friends believe I should drop her an email, no R talk, just 'how you doing, hope all is fine, take care' sort of thing. Views? I do not want to infringe on her new freedom nor give her any reason to think I am pushing her, pressurising her, snooping on her, etc, but same time I want to honor my statement that I would be here for her as a friend no matter what she did or was doing with OM?
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
Don't do it. That's my $.02. Just cause she hasn't contacted you doesn't mean you're not there for her. In fact, I would define "being there for" someone as being available to them WHEN THEY WANT YOU. That means, they have to contact you. Don't call, don't text, don't IM. Let it ride, man.
Psch, give it some more time. As difficult as it is you need to. You expressed to her clearly how you feel when you guys talked on Sunday. Nothing has changed since then. Allow a few more days to go by and see what happens. I know the lack of contact is killing you, but you will make it through.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Psch, i just read your thread here. I dont get you. Or maybe, I actually do, and that's the trouble.
From your summary through your own words, you seem to spend most of your energy on the divorce side of things, rather than marital recovery.
Some of the words coming out of your mouth to your wife say, "I want to try", but the majority of them, including your actions calling for divorce planning, say "I'm done with this marriage".
If you actually want your W to think you mean it.... you're sending the wrong messages to her. She even says that, as quoted by you. 'you are giving me mixed messages about what you want'
This is your second marriage. the first ended by divorce. it sounds like you have already resigned yourself to "ok, go through that again".
I'm going to be blunt, and semi-brutal here. Semi-apologies in advance: After a quick scan through your original summary of your marriage, in your first thread
it sounds like, basically, most of the problems in your current marriage, stem from you. You kind of acknowlege that your wife's distancing from you is due to this... but you dont appear to accept responsability for it.
In my mind, accepting responsability, goes beyond acknowleging it. It includes trying to make up for it.
You said that, "This had all been bought up 2 or 3 times before and I said I would change - but didn't."
So, it is understandable that she would not believe any claims of "i'll change, i'll change!" from you at this point.
you also seem to basically be DRIVING HER INTO an affair with this "ex". I may have missed something, but what I have read so far, is that she "might be in an EA with him". Of course she's going to enjoy time with him, if your relationship is so bad right now. That doesnt have to mean that your marriage is over, though!
You're feeling pessimistic that it "will probably mean the end of your marriage", so you just gave up.
Well, sure it would have ended... if you did nothing!
It kinda seems to me like you are glad of the excuse to blame, for divorcing her. instead of trying to repair your marriage. That "you're doing it (divorce) for her" is total bunk. I think you're just playing mental games, to avoid,
1. facing responsability that YOU are the one who wants a divorce 2. facing the alternative to divorce, which is, you actually having to put in major effort, and actually change yourself.
By your own words, you seem, shall we say, "highly resistant to change".
At this point, it may be too late.. you may have actually succeeded in your efforts to push your wife away into the arms of the OM.
But, if you are willing to actually stand up and work on yourself and your marriage this second time around... The next time you talk with your wife, [waiting until SHE contacts YOU, like others suggest], How about you stop with the "I'm doing it for you" junk, and instead say that you lost your mind; that after further consideration, you'd like to try something together [such as Retrouville] to see if there is any chance or path that looks like you could work out a good marriage together.
"promising to change", without any real plan on how to do that, is an empty promise. A real marital recovery program, such as retrouville, will give you something specific to follow.
If you dont decide to put in the effort to truely change yourself.. you are throwing away both this marriage, AND any chance of a good possible future relationship you might hope to have. You'll just find yourself in the "same place, different face".
Last edited by Dom R; 09/21/0708:00 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom R - first thanks for posting, while I can't agree with everything you said. I ppreciate the candor and honesty.
Yes many things you say are right - and even now I am making mistakes because I want this to work but none of my efforts (good or bad) are getting through.
Where I will disagree with you, with respect, is over accountability - I think my first thread very succintly states I accept 'most' of the blame for where we are at in our M today. Now if you feel I am going about recovering from that in the right way - fair enough - but no sir, I very clearly and tacitly accept responsibility for my actions and am trying to recover from that for us no matter how bad things might be.
Am I resigned to another DV - at times I am, and at times I am totally determined to recover - so with respect, what should I now do, in the next 3 months, in your view to help turn this sitch that I created around?
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
