You don't want W back until she has first worked through the R/M issues for HERSELF and has FORGIVEN YOU, and in addition has owned her own shortcomings/mistakes and FORGIVEN HERSELF. Also, you must give her the space and time to work through her feelings for OM and let such feelings die before a healthy R/M can begin and exist with the two of you. Even if you forced the issue and she decided to drop the OM and come back to you, it would likely be because of her guilt, and you would also likely experience her resentment of you AND your pushing her to an ultimatum (which is a form of control). Combined with this is also the fact that her feelings with OM would still be lingering, and because of this she will not be able to invest in the M the way you both need her to in order to have a healthy one. You must let those feelings and that R run its course, and if at that point she decides that coming back to you and working things out is both possible and the right thing to do FOR BOTH OF YOU, then that is the best place for the new R/M to begin developing. However, YOU will obviously need to be able to forgive her at that point too.
That's my 2 cents, I guess. It sucks, but it is what I believe is the reality of our sitches and, in the end, what we will have to endure to have a lasting, healthy R/M the second time around with our S's.
Take care brotha -- and keep working on that wifebeater look (Maybe we'll get together this winter sometime and get a pic taken side by side with our beaters on, and then post it here so the women can see our bronzy, musclely, and beacony bodies and drool!). And regarding the big and buff manequins in the gym -- I sometimes wouldn't mind being one (except not quite so bulky buff -- just slenderly-toned buff)!
